The Wanderlusty Diaries of Jezebel

Stormy Skies

2010-12-28T22:38:00.002-05:00

A blizzard has blazed through New York City. The first of the 2010-2011 season. I had good memories of the previous snowstorm so I was looking forward to a beautiful faerie winter landscape, with snow flakes dripping off of tree branches, untouched pure melty goodness shining under the sun on the sidewalks. But, that was not how it went down. This time is DISGUSTING and AWFUL. Enough said.

I've wanted to update the blog more often, and I guess that will be one of my New Year resolutions. I want to, and yet I feel like I have so much to say, and not enough time or words to express everything.

What do dreams really mean? For three nights, almost consecutively, last week I dreamed about the same central figure, under different scenarios, but always with the same negative emotions: fear, loss, betrayal, jealousy. These dreams have become blurrier with time so I cannot describe them. I just know that they involved a person I thought I had expurged from my being, but if dreams are reflective of your subconscious, then this person remains deep in my psyche, like a deep seated virus. For the first time in my life, I had such continuous, vivid and emotionally disturbing dreams. I must keep notes on this.

Another thought I had recently was this: if someone was very good to you, thinking of your needs, giving you his undivided eager attention and plying you with gifts, would you start getting attached to this person even if you would have NEVER liked this person if left to your own choices? That is, does wooing a girl actually work? I guess it depends on the person. I thought I was immune to this kind of persuasion, but I might be wrong. I don't know. I thought I was a certain kind of person for a very, very long time but after all the events that happened this year I cannot rely on my perceptions anymore. No way, Jose! In any case, would becoming attached to this person mean that you like that romantically? And if you do, is it the same as if you had fallen in love with him naturally? If you end up with him, would it be considered "settling?" Would you always have a secret little place in your heart for someone else you would've liked without any pursuing? Would you runaway with that person if he gave you time of day, abandoning your ardent admirer? I don't know, I don't know! I'm kind of scared to find out if I can be so easily swayed, if I can be so fickle and cruel. I have a sneaking suspicion that due to my naivety and inexperience I would succumb easily to any kind of powerful influences, lik a dandelion blown about my winter gusts as well as summer breezes.

Recently I read a book for my book club called "Room" by Emma Donoghue. It started slow at first, but it picked up in the middle and at the end of the book I think I would never forget it. Unlike many books out there, this one definitely made an impression. It speaks a tale of a mother's love for her son, and the book is from the son's perspective. They have been living in Room for 5-7 years, the mother being kidnapped by this guy when she was 19 and forced to live with him and bearing him a child. It's an interesting premise, but it's amazing how the author manages to capture our attention with the voice of a 5 year old. And it is not a children's book, as I initially thought. I loved it.

What I did not love recently was Spartacus, that TV show on Starz that premiered in January 2010. I had such high hopes, hoping that it would be like Rome, my most beloved series ever, but it was so crappy. If anyone wants to take it off my hands, be my guest. I also bought Life, which is sort of like that BBC series Planet Earth which I LOVED. Can't wait to watch that!!!

Anyway, it's been a year. I keep thinking that in my head. A year, a year, a whole fucking year. What was I doing last year? Was I even me? Did I know who I was? Did I even know what I was getting myself into? In some ways I definitely lost power. I have it in me to be spectacular, but I need a fire to be lit beneath me. I keep searching for that power source, and I despair of finding it. Whenever anything happens to me, I always have a strange feeling that this is it: this will never happen again, or this will always stay this way. Everything will be status quo until the day I die. I still think this way despite the many things that have happened in my 26 years.

This year started off slow and is ending slow, a fitting conclusion. I am VERY happy in certain ways and in other ways I think I am kind of like someone who lives in a new reality now. I was telling a friend the other day that I don't want to be cynical. I have had so many disappointments and disillusionments that I have become a bit hardened to people. People will always be flaky and have their self-interest at heart and be fake and superficial. Maybe I need to find other people who don't live/grew up in New York City, a city where admittedly many cynics live. Despite my growing cynicism about people, I think I still have a lot of love and hope within me. I can't stand some people who are always snarky and disparaging and are always complaining. I like to be chirpy and dreamy and happy. Yes, Happy! Is it unfashionable to be optimistic and hold your hands together and have a great big smile and say something like "today we will bake a beautiful cake and share it with our neighbors!" I bet you $1000 I would get rolled eyes and a snide remark. I would love it if for ONCE someone would clap their hands and roll up their sleeves and get excited with me. Where are these people anymore?? Who is taking me seriously?

I'm so tired...I will write more later. A year-end summary entry will definitely be forthcoming in any case. Night, World.

Update!

2010-11-30T23:46:00.002-05:00

These days, I keep feeling like I have to apologize. I feel so goddamn guilty. So, to get it out of my system, here is a list:
I'm sorry I didn't return your call.
I'm sorry I don't care about your vacation.
I'm sorry I forgot about the conference call.
I'm sorry I can't help out for the event.
I'm sorry I caught you in a bad moment.
I'm sorry I don't have your number in my phone.

I try to live my life as blamelessly as possible. But now I'm too absorbed in my own matters to pay attention to other responsibilities (rightfully so), and the perfectionist in me is squirming in discomfort. Quiet down! It's hard not to listen to that voice telling me to try to do everything. Say yes. Contribute the most. Be the best, the kindest, the most helpful, the great listener, the hardest worker. But...for the FIRST time this year, I'm letting all of that go.

I was just saying to my mom yesterday what an eventful year 2010 has been. I mean, when the year first started, I was taking my GMAT. January 7th. That seemed like eons and eons ago. Then I was pulled into one drama after another and experienced so many highs and lows I'm surprised I didn't turn into a raving lunatic. I think this year has been life changing, in a way the other years past haven't been. I've taken on many tough challenges to prove my leadership skills, made and lost friends, experienced intense euphoria and intense loss, traveled to Mexico and Italy, and had major surgery. But more than any of that, it's what's inside that changed. I've gotten to know myself so much better, and I hope I've become more resilient. The funny thing is, I thought this was going to be a quiet year when 2009 ended and I looked ahead to 2010. Who said this: life is what happens when you're busy making other plans?

At home these days, I have had a lot of time to think, to read, to watch TV, to shop, to hang out with my parents and to just sort of laze around and do nothing. My calendar is empty. I am making no plans and ignoring all kinds of outside distraction. What a huge contrast to my usual busy busy schedule. And I'm getting quite used to this lifestyle. :) I'm a bit apprehensive to return to normal life next week, so I''m treasuring each day. I made some broccoli/potato/onion soup today and really loving my juicer more and more everyday! I went shopping today and got a Benetton matching blazer and skirt for no reason and two pairs of boots for rock bottom prices. Can't wait to rock 'em on a nice day out. I love shopping in Brooklyn with all the cheap ass boutiques. I also finished two books already. Ok, after you read my post, run (not walk) to the nearest bookstore/library and get this novel called ONE DAY by David Nicholls. It is AMAZING - funny, heartbreaking, poignant, witty, and has deeply flawed characters you will love. Ultimately it is a love story, but not the kind that you expect...without revealing too much, I have to say that this book will become a classic. Right now, I'm reading "Long for this World" by Jonathan Weiner on human race and immortality and it's pretty interesting so far. Still have a couple more to go through, but I read fairly quick...

Today a coworker scared me to bits when I got a random text from a strange number saying there were piles of work waiting for me on my desk?! I thought for a second I got my dates wrong. Gah, I hate pranksters! Yes, I'm talking about you. And I also hate people who text me and then don't tell me who they are. I feel like I'm getting stalked or something. Hmm, what else? I watched a lot of Chinese television so my Chinese is quite good right now. And I've been practicing the piano everyday so my Fur Elise is in good shape too. And a big fat thanks to my family and friends! Muah*

Lobotomy

2010-11-08T22:37:00.004-05:00

So I've wanted to write in my blog for a long time, but something has changed. In the past, I used to want to write everyday. Every single day. I had something to say, to share, to delight over, to bitch about, to explain and to discuss. But now, even though my life has become so much busier, I find that I am less inclined to want to write about it. Or maybe it's because I'm so busy. Either way, I always procrastinate and procrastinate...until now. I need to do this, to see if writing will help. I'm asking for a friend back.

These days it's become very difficult for me to know where I stand. It's also become very hard for me to put into words how I feel. There is major blockage in me. And it makes me feel very disconnected from other people. Sometimes I would find myself talking and in the midst of a sentence my mind would go blank and I would lose interest in what I'm saying. This happens a lot. It's almost like I'm just too tired of the trivialities, the surface stuff, the superficial "I like this" and "I did this" and such chatter. If I don't even care enough about my own life to share with you, why the fuck would you think I care about yours? But of course I am too polite and I would never, ever shut a person down. So I listen, and I share, and in front of other people I appear normal but inside I'm still and unmoved. I am dead.

There's more to it than just this though. I am an intrinsic people pleaser. I know I don't have it in me right now to be cute and flirty and fun or whatever other people find charming, but I still make the effort, and it's an extra layer of frustration and sadness when I get a negative or ambivalent response, almost like a self-enforcing reaction. I know when I smile it's fake. I know when I make a joke it will fall flat. I know every sentence I eek out I have no idea what the hell I'm talking about and the fact that I don't care must show, and people will react to this air of despondency.

So what do I care about? No, I'm not depressed or anything (I would know if I were, trust me). I honestly don't know. Even if I share with someone how I feel, it doesn't make me feel any better. Because calmly talking about how I feel, when I'm not exactly sure how I feel or even if I were, how to express it in words that the other person will fully appreciate and understand, is not the solution. I might be feeling afraid and lonely. I might be feeling anger. A lot of anger. I am not a naturally angry person who holds it in myself but when one night after arguing furiously with one of my best friends and I felt a lot better afterwards, I have a sneaking suspicion that there is a lot of pent-up stuff inside of me that needs to be shed. Sometimes I am such a people pleaser and such an insecure donn't-want-to-make-a-wave kind of person that I almost feel like I don't deserve to have a voice that matters, a voice that deserves to be heard. I don't feel like I deserve to be angry and to show it.

Now why would I be angry? There is nothing happening recently to make me feel this way, and yet I suspect that if I were to pick a fight with someone I would feel loads better afterwards. I would feel more "real," more connected to my feelings, more focused. And of course I would feel a sense of release, a cathartic feeling. Or maybe it's an evil side of me that wants the other person to be on the same emotional wavelength as me - that is, painful. In pulling someone down to my level, maybe it makes me feel better, more connected to that person, as if we're in the same boat, with the same tumultous feelings, the same topic, the same argument, the same goal, the same hurt. I want fairness. I never get the upper hand in life.

Or maybe underneath it all I'm not so much angry as I am afraid. Afraid of being alone, afraid of wanting too much, afraid of needing to the point of insanity, afraid of loss. I notice that my pattern of turning to other people for fulfillment is mirroring what happened all those years ago. I'm seeking love and attention and validation elsewhere, and instead of getting it I just get needier and more lost in myself. But I think ultimately I am still a bit shell-shocked. I am still throwing myself headlong into keeping myself busy, busy, BUSY so that I won't have too much time to feel sorry for myself. I want to charge immediately into the next phase of my life, put everything behind me, new loves, new interests, and catching up on the million things that I've been wanting to do ever since I moved into the city. I've done such a perfect job of cutting myself off emotionally, BRAVO! Except that I've been very thorough, almost too thorough...

So now, where am I? Where do I go from here? In the middle of a conversation, all of a sudden I would feel like what's the point? So what if I do this or that, say this or that, what does it all mean, where does it all lead? Is this what it feels like to be disillusioned and hopeless? I have nothing more to say.

Girl Talk: I’m In A Relationship—Do I Have To Stop Flirting?

2010-11-04T00:54:00.001-04:00

Girl Talk: I’m In A Relationship—Do I Have To Stop Flirting?

Food for thought. Great article.

Ten Things I Learned in My 25th Year

2010-10-11T00:19:00.003-04:00

1. How to unclog a toilet successfully (and speedily).

2. Beautiful long curly eyelashes are crucial to a beautiful face.

3. I can survive red eye flights but NEVER again.

4. Why take the subway when you can take the bus? I <3 crosstown buses.

5. I was, still am and will always be an extremely emotional and passionate person, and I like it that way. I thought that part of me was gone as I grew older, but it most definitely wasn't.

6. How to use a dishwasher.

7. The difficulty of taking on leadership positions and managing people.

8. Big snowstorms are fun because surprisingly the bars and restaurants become packed in the city. Come on, storm of 2011!~

9. Expect the unexpected. Really.

10. Living paycheck to paycheck is not a myth. It's a reality for NYC dwellers.

Myers-Brigg Test Results

2010-08-18T15:08:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I had a training course in Effective Communication which was led by a pair of awesome instructors at Credit Suisse. It was a lot of fun and I took a lot away as a result. The session was focused on knowing what your “type” is according to the Myers-Brigg matrix and the instructors went through each of the 4 continuums and discussed what it meant to the labeled “judging” or “intuition.” There are a total of 16 types, or combinations of traits. Here is my type (INFJ):

Seek meaning and connection in ideas, relationships, and material possessions. Want to understand what motivates people and are insightful about others. Conscientious and committed to their firm values. Develop a clear vision about how best to serve the common good. Organized and decisive in implementing their vision.

You know, I was pretty skeptical that a simple 93 question test can reveal my true nature, but reading the first sentence of my “type” I was immediately convinced of its efficacy and accuracy. Indeed, this is exactly who I am, right on. I like to seek meaning and make connections and understand who people are and why they act the way they do. If I were a business owner, I would build my business on the philosophy that if the employees are engaged and motivated then the business would prosper. It’s people all the way. It’s not that I’m not concerned about the process or the product, it’s just that I am more interested in the personalities behind all of the material things that we see in this world. I am also definitely conscientious and like to do things the right way. That word “common good” just hits the nail on the head. I don’t have a clear vision right now exactly how to serve the common good but I am always striving to! This is why I do so much volunteering and charity work. And finally, I am one of the most organized people I know. I LOVE planning ahead.

Before taking the official test, the instructors asked us after describing each of the sixteen traits how we would measure ourselves on the continuum. I rated myself pretty closely to the official result of the test, except on one point. I thought I was more “Sensing” than “Feeling” but I was actually more “Feeling” which meant that when I am presented with external information, I interpret and add meaning to the information instead of taking it as it is.

Of course, all this has caveats. You might be one type in your personal life but another type in your professional life. We all have to adjust and be flexible in our lifestyles to succeed and survive this cutthroat world. But, as the instructors emphasized, we all have PREFERENCES. Our true nature, our true type, will never change. It is only that we learn to acquire skills to mask that true nature so we can adapt to different situations and different people. It’s kind of like learning to write with your non-dominant hand.

If there’s one thing that really struck me about this test, it is that it finally hit me how different people are. I know, I know, that’s common sense, and on some logical level I know that, but in practical situations I always “put myself in other people’s shoes” and vice versa. This causes a lot of problems because other people might see things very differently than I do. I just always assumed that people are all the same on some base level. For example, when AA and I went on vacation to Turkey last year, I was very annoyed because she would spend her downtime lounging on the bed watching re-runs of Gossip Girl while Istanbul was waiting for us to explore. I was thinking, you came all this way from New York just to watch TV and read books, something you could’ve done back home?? I couldn’t understand how she can not plan anything and sort of just let the day go by. To me, each and every hour was so precious. I had everything planned out and ready to go, even if I was just as tired as she was. After doing this test, I realized that she probably wants to explore the city as well but she has a different way of going about it. I’ve always wondered, since I know her habits very well, how she gets on at work and manages to do all that she does, and happily too, because if I had those habits I think I would just crash and burn. She makes it work, and I can’t understand how because I am not her. But that just proves how people can be so different in achieving their goals.

I asked for an extra copy of the test so I can have someone else do it and amaze at how accurate it is. It definitely helps to confirm what kind of style I have so I am aware of what I need to work on and what my strengths/weaknesses are.

LA Weekend!

2010-08-13T11:12:00.001-04:00

I’m heading to LA today. I love saying that – it sounds so glamorous, just jetting away to the west coast for the weekend. To top it off, I don’t *think* I have to pay for hotels and I get reimbursement for most of the airfare. It’ll be a really hectic weekend especially with the air travel time and the time zone changes, and I’ll be going straight to work Monday morning from Newark. I’m attending LA’s tasting benefit for PbP, a very exciting event! It’s for us (five from NY) to network, meet our counterparts in LA, enjoy the event and hopefully take away contacts and lessons learned from this tasting benefit so that we can apply it to our own on October 1st. When it comes down to it though it is a fundraisers and fundraising is all about hanging out, schmoozing, getting to know people, talking, etc. Not the kind of serious bank accounting work I do in my day job, and that is always very refreshing.

In the month since I came back from Mexico, I’ve been very busy with all kinds of summer activities. My calendar is usually packed everyday with appointments and events, and I make sure that it is. I have an easy “commute” from my apartment to work and I live right in the hustle and bustle of the most active city in the world, so why not take advantage of it? The bad thing about living on my own is that I have to be my own maid, housekeeper and cook – mom will no longer pick up my stuff, cook and clean and organize. I have to constantly wipe and dust and sweep and sanitize, or else things get disgusting. It’s insane how quickly my apartment can get dirty, even if I’m not in it 85% of the time. It’s a never-ending battle to restore order and cleanliness. I don’t cook much and generally live off of junk food, Trader Joe groceries and Chinatown take-out.

I broke up with my therapist. I need to save money, and I need to stop relying on her, and I also need my Sundays back. Life rolls on, fast and furious, and sometimes I feel like I’m just being caught up in a mob of people going in one direction, swept along by the urgency and the mob mentality. I’m so busy maintaining, that sometimes I feel like I’m not going anywhere. Well, at least I got my life back. At least I’m not a trainwreck anymore, caught up in some fantasy that I throw everything else aside. I am balanced, for the most part. Some days are definitely more difficult than others, like the past Tuesday. However, if there is one thing life has taught me, it is that even when you feel like still water, you never know when the next wave or tsunami might come. So be prepared.

More Strength Than I Knew

2010-08-03T00:46:00.003-04:00

I missed him today. It's a familiar feeling, that softening of heart. I panicked. It took so much willpower to put all that behind me, that it must never ever be a part of my life again. On Thursday I had a leisurely dinner with an old friend and we walked all the way from Lower East Side to Murray Hill, the cool dusk breeze cheering us on. We chatted about relationships and without mentioning specifics I outlined the situation. She was impressed. Through the eyes of someone else I see myself as an incredibly strong resilent girl. And with surprise I realize that I am, that I manage things that others probably would not be able to manage so well. I haven't been through TOO much emotional trauma in my life but I think deep down inside I'm a tough cookie with ability to ultimately come through the most trying of situations. I come through not defeated but with everything hopefully intact. Plus an extra layer of skin. I need a ton of support and care to get there, but I definitely know when I need help and who to turn to. It's not easy being me, or being my friend, or being my family, and I'm ever so grateful for all that I have.

Quiet Week

2010-07-29T16:31:00.000-04:00

Last Friday as I was eating dinner at Kittichai, I was already feeling under the weather. But since I was out having fun with new and old friends, I decided to stick it out until 1AM when I finally went home. The following days I spent hanging out, watching movies, sleeping late chatting, eating, and basically doing anything but resting. Big mistake. On Monday my body succumbed to the virus. Yesterday I was so sick at work I had to come home, and I just remember the rest of the day as one big sleep-eat-sleep-eat cycle. I slept maybe a total of 13 hours that day, which is great. I could lay down right now and fall asleep too. I think my body just craves that sleep so much. The sleep it hasn’t been getting…

Anyway, feel much better today and even though this week has been shot in terms of physical productivity (I even missed my dance class yesterday!! *sob sob*) I’ve really done a lot of good corporate sponsorship solicitation work. It is SO hard to convince people to sponsor you and donate to your non-profit and the response rate is almost zero, but it really is a case of “if you don’t try, you’ll never know.” I’ve been hitting up all of the big corporate names as well as the local businesses, but few have even replied, and those who have usually just say that they don’t have the budget for it. It’s a bit discouraging, because it feels like my efforts are going nowhere, but I just keep reminding myself that this is probably more true to life than anything else I’ve done so far. I’ve had it pretty easy – my education and background have opened doors for me and I’ve always equated effort with success, but for a lot of people (creative types like artists, actors, dancers, writers, etc.) in this world they might send out tons of job applications but don’t get any responses. This is a test of perseverance and of strategy. This will make me value any response I get even more. This is also a preparation of future rejection when I submit my writing to publishers. Anyhow, it’s a lot of work with no end in sight (because you can always seek to get more donations and more money), but if I don’t do anything then nothing will happen.

Financially, I’m realizing that this lifestyle I’ve been holding is finally catching up to me. Endless shopping for clothing and makeup is draining my bank account. Spas, vacations, eating out, taxis – these are all huge money suckers. I’m definitely more forgiving of my vacations because traveling means everything to me, but I feel very guilty about all the clothing and jewelry and shoes that I’ve brought, some of which I don’t even wear. I can’t forget that now I’m paying rent too, and generally living in Manhattan is a lot more expensive than living at home. I have to take care of my own food and transportation now. Also there are much more opportunities to socialize and that means more cash outflow. On top of it, I have my huge medical bills. But the good news is that my health insurance company just approved my surgery!!! What a relief. At least I don’t have to worry about that now.

Emotionally…ever since my last entry when I realized all this stuff, I’ve been a lot more stable and calmer. I could feel that the strange emptiness has been filled – by family, by friends but most importantly by the essence of who I am. It’s really hard to define how being normal feels but I think I’m getting there, and I hope it can only get better from here.

Dawning Realizations

2010-07-19T17:15:00.002-04:00

Releasing anger is very cathartic. (Sorry, mom)... I’ve realized through the help of therapy that 1) this empty numbness was actually present in me way before the final showdown and 2) I’m afraid of feeling anything at all now because I don’t want things to go back to the way they were before. If I open a crack of sympathy, of missing, of goodwill, I am afraid I will open a floodgate again. I’ve come close many times to wavering in my resolution but I held strong. Do I even remember what it feels like to derive pleasure from ordinary things? The last time I remember feeling truly happy was in Mexico. What was it about that trip, those particular moments, that made me happy??? I’m trying to figure it out for sure and I’m just really, really confused.

The past week/weekend has been productive. I saw a whole bunch of Asian American International Film Festival film screenings, booked my trip to Venice/Milan with AC in September and had dinner with AA and LG. A long overdue dinner/sleepover with EL was wonderful on Sat night (<3 you!!!). On Sunday I trekked to Canarsie for a rooftop BBQ hosted by the ever amazing JC. It was at this Thai chef’s loft and even though I had to leave early the few kebobs and ribs I tasted were fantastic and finger licking delicious. Saw my PbP peeps and met some great people. It was so HOT on Sunday and I baked on the rooftop for about 3+ hours without sunblock. I think I got some freckles on my nose, and I don’t even have freckles! Then I met up with YH to see another screening and completed the week with dinner at DoSirak. Afterwards, I downloaded the pictures from Mexico on his SLR camera and they were so awesome!!! I couldn’t even sleep I was so riled up. Finally, after two weeks I completed almost everything on my to-do list…now I can focus more on my long-term goals. Cooking, piano, Italiano. (By the way, this is random but I fell in love with Pachelbel’s Canon in D one day and decided on it as my walking-down-the-aisle wedding music.)

This week will be another extremely busy week. I have plans literally every single night of the week. Sometimes I think I will be okay, other times I am just so scared, because I don’t know exactly what is wrong with me and how to make myself whole again. I keep telling myself to give it more time, time, time, not only to heal my soul, but also to get some clarity on exactly what I want and what I need to change about myself to get there.

Finding the Missing Piece

2010-07-15T22:52:00.003-04:00

I feel so...empty. I don't know if it's withdrawal or if it's depression or if I'm just disillusioned. I'm afraid there's a part of me that I'll never get back. A certain kind of innocence.

I don't mean innocence in the ways of the world. I mean a lightness, a positivity, of soul. If you've never tasted gelato, you think popsicles are perfectly tasty. But after having tasted gelato, would you ever be completely satisifed again knowing you'll have popsicles for the rest of your life? If you're a foodie, you'll always walk around with a gelato piece of you missing.

I can't look at my purple dress or at pictures of Montauk without cringing. It used to be that I can go to the gym after work, come home, kick back and catch up on my TV shows and a magazine. Simple things gave me such delight: grocery shopping at Trader Joe's, reading chick lit, listening to music on the subway, strolling the park after dinner, an hour + conversation with a friend, eating blueberries slowly. Now...I feel like I have no patience or desire to do any of those routine things that used to feed me little nuggets of quiet contentment. Nothing excites me anymore. I've been overstimulated for so long I'm now immune to the simple pleasures of life. That's actually a very scary sentence to write. Will it ever come back?

Granted, I've now busier than ever. My calendar is being booked all the way through winter by vacations, weekend trips, conferences, wedding, social commitments, family commitments, doctor appointments, volunteer commitments. I have so much on my plate I don't know how I'm going to have the time for anything. And yet I know I must slow down sometimes and give myself room to breath and think and do my own personal things like writing and Italian or even just catching up on True Blood. Even True Blood I've shoved to the side! I try so hard to get my life back, but I'm forgetting that the activities in my life do not define me. I need to get myself back first. I hope it's not too late - the hopeful, the unspoilt and the fun-loving me is still in there somewhere.

I just want to be happy again. I'm going to let time do its thing and trust that the numbness will fade.

Alice is Alive

2010-07-12T00:55:00.029-04:00

I feel like I’m a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, or clawing out of the hole in which Alice fell so deeply. I have been Alice for the past half year. Here is my story, and I'm not afraid to share it. I think of it as laying the foundations for my future memoir...half kidding.

I chuckle bitterly now when I remember even last New Year’s how I wished my life was more exciting, when I worried that my emotional capacity was becoming limited. I craved that grand passion, that obsession that knew no limits, that total devotion to something so magical it defies reason, logic, the ground beneath my feet. The pleasurable but mundane routines of normal life were fine enough but I was still missing something. I didn’t know what that something was until it hit me like a tsunami.

I got what I wished for, and then some. It wasn't what I expected, but then again I really had no expectations to begin with. I was swept along and before I knew it, I was submerged. The past few months have been gut-wrenching. It stripped me to the core. I was at my most beautiful, then my most ugly. I was tossed up into the highest pedestal of heaven that one can reach, then slowly dragged through a dirt path on my way to my own personal hell until every part of me just hurt so, so much. I felt like if my heart could just stop squeezing, it could give me one moment to breath and not rack my body with pain and sadness. I couldn’t tell right from wrong, bad from good, reality from fantasy. I only knew I had lost something that I invested every pore of my being into, and it was all crashing down, and I can do nothing to stop it. Every brutal emotion in the book of emotions I experienced drop by drop, tear by tear, sting by sting. Day by day. I am drained.

I almost alienated my best friend. I almost lost my job. I almost tore apart my family. I almost did irreparable damage to my own body. I almost lost myself to a road of no return. But there’s that word: almost. I clutched onto sanity and peace for all it’s worth. People tell me I will become stronger, and I have to believe them, because if this is not a rigorous exercise in resilience, then what is? This is not the first time I have experienced heartbreak, nor is it the worst time, but this is the first time I’ve actually been hurt so badly by someone who doesn’t deserve the power that I gave him to hurt me. I’ve also come to realize how important the support and care of those around me are, and just as importantly, how sometimes I need a good knock on the head. Hard love: if you can dish it out you can take it. And I took it. I have nothing but love and gratitude for those special people in my life, whether they knew they helped me or not.

Besides company, distance also helps. A little more than a week ago, I traveled to Philly for a wedding, staying at the excellent Warwick hotel courtesy of AA. Then I flew to Mexico for a one week trip to Cancun, Merida and Mexico City. The trip was planned haphazardly and I hoped that all of the little pre-arrangements would work out well. At the beginning of the trip, I still felt shaky, unsure how to feel about anything outside of the construct of my little fantasy-torture world. What did it mean to feel a childlike joy? What did it mean not to expect anything? What did it mean to feel like I wasn’t constantly bracing for disappointment?

In the past, traveling has been a way for me to cure any one of my many malcontents: boredom, stress, disillusionment with life, numbness. But I wasn’t so sure traveling would be a strong enough force this time to break my addiction. How could 1 week help me see the light that I couldn’t see for 6 months? I kept searching…searching for that moment when it would just click and I would be able to let go of the pain, like dropping a piece of handkerchief into the river and seeing it slip downstream until it is gone forever. Sounds like a Disney version of my situation but that’s how I imagined it.

We climbed the Great Pyramid at the Uxmal ruin on a bright sunny morning on July 1st. My mind was all a jumble on the way to the ruin, almost like I sensed an opportunity for redemption. I was expecting a mystical ruin, but I got something even better: a nearly empty ruin free of hordes of tourists. We sat on top of the deserted pyramid, gazing down and sideways at the treetops and faraway ruins. The gusty wind was blowing my hair and I decided to let it blow everything else away too. I am not religious, but I’m spiritual enough to recognize the significance of leaving whatever you wish to leave behind in an ancient place that is wise and strong, a place that has withstood the tests of time and has borne the footsteps of millions of people who have lived through lifetimes of sadness, happiness, pain, joy, loss, nirvana. I am only a little bit of that grand human masterpiece. But I, too, leave my mark. As small as it is to Uxmal, it will become as small to my life. I will heal. I believe.

After that moment, something imperceptible shifted but it did not go unnoticed. My heart and my footsteps felt lighter. I lost track of my days and reveled in every moment-by-moment experience, pausing every chance I had to fill myself with hope and energy. I allowed myself to feel happy without reservation, without guilt or fear. All of the great Mexican guacamole and the wonderful company didn’t hurt one bit. I stopped dwelling on things that I had no power to change. As dramatic as it was to shed the weight of my burden, in retrospect, it worked. The final shoe to drop was not a sudden revelation, but rather a culmination of all the groundwork I had laid before. The trip was amazing in its own right, but extraordinary when I think about the transformation it allowed me to undertake. I flew back to New York an entirely different girl inside than when I left it on the Bolt Bus 10 days earlier. I was happy again after a long time, happy like I was happy before anything happened, happiness that was unconditional upon anything anyone else did. Just like any other addiction, I will probably have relapses, but now I know that it is possible to escape and be okay again. Not only that, but that it is possible to feel again. And when I close my eyes and imagine myself back at Uxmal unchaining and freeing myself by tearing up that letter, that’s all I need to get my control back again. It’s hard but I can do it. I need to do it – for my self respect and self preservation, for my dear friends who probably want to slap me for being so stupid all this time, for my family who loves me way more than I deserve, and for that special someone in the future who I can then give my heart to pure and whole and honorably. Only time will tell...

And now today, I am writing this with the purpose of getting my life back on track. I’ve wasted so much time being involved in this complicated drama for the first half of the year and this second half of the year I seek to actually accomplish something substantial. Here goes:

I want to glow at work and stroll around Chinatown at dusk seeking sponsors for PbP. I want to dance the night away in Rio de Janeiro, gallop on a horse across an Icelandic plain and drink espresso at the bar in Venice. (I also need to start emailing my surgeon back and following up on my dentist and orthodontist appointments so my surgery is still on track for fall.) I want to be able to write full essays in Italian and to be able to play Moonlight Sonata – all four pages of it – from memory. I want to wear a white and pink baseball cap and practice tennis with a cute instructor on the Upper East Side outdoor court, getting a tan, eye candy and a workout all at the same time. I want to figure out my dishwasher and throw dinner parties for friends and cook vegan sweet potato crepes with cilantro relish perfectly. I want to spend hours fiddling with a camera to get a perfect shot of a halo-streaked sky at dawn. I want to develop a writer’s knuckle from scribbling longhand about the modern adventures of my Greek goddess Persephone on the rooftop of my building on quiet Sunday afternoons. I want to hear bells jingle as I shimmer my belly along to the belly dancing music I brought from Turkey, but of course after having learned the steps from the wonderful instructors at Shockra Studio first. I want to shimmy up and swing around a pole. I want to sing karaoke in K-town, eat more Xi’an lamb burgers, and spend time browsing interior design books in Barnes and Nobles. I want to run 5 miles on the hills of Shore Road on weekend mornings and work out that pilates ball like it's no one's business. I want all these things that I missed out doing because I was so involved in a crazy rollercoaster ride that I lost myself somewhere along the way. I will be careful not to give that much power to anyone again, knowing how deep I can fall. Still, no matter what, I find a bit of satisfaction and comfort in knowing that I can be so unafraid and so open as to give myself unreservedly, that I still have that innocent capacity for passion and that I am willing to sacrifice more than I ever thought I could to find happiness. I was that person at the age of 11, I am still that person today, and I will be that person for as long as my heart can bear it :-)

Would love to write more, but the bed (and work) calls. Hope next time my entry will be full of good and happier news.

Fatal

2010-06-13T23:19:00.003-04:00

Looking back at my old journals, I feel so wistful. Like an indulgent mother gently smiling at her mischievous child. With time and age comes wisdom and clarity. Sometimes I get jealous of my old self. The naive, happy, innocent girl who doesn't know what fate has in store for her. I read tales of excitement, anguish, and most of all, the questions...oh, the questions. They come fast and furious. Does he really think that way? Why is it that I always do this? How come? Why? Why? Why???

As I am reading, I silently answer the questions that plagued me. But I cannot answer all the questions. There is an overwhelming sense of wistfulness with a tinge of regret. If only I had known...if only I had the knowledge. There's always a dramatic sense of finality and resolution to my journal entries since I like to end things on a hopeful, positive note. If only life were that simple. Nothing is ever final, is it? No matter how many times history repeats itself, I always think that This Is It. The present is the ultimate reality and the ultimate truth. Even now, after all that I've been through, I am fatalistic. What is, will be, and nothing will change.

But some of what I write chills me. It's very, very painful to read the kind of foolish judgments or statements I made. Some of my words are so omniscient. I wish I can go back and look at myself in the eye and tell that girl what is to come. I'd like to say that my message would be wise, and compassionate and maybe even a little superior but I know me. And I know that whatever I say, it will be with a tone of envy. Yes, because I will never be that young, or that foolishly passionate, again.

Lessons

2010-05-19T23:53:00.004-04:00

Truths I've come by the past few weeks:

1) Things are never as "final" as I imagine them to be.
2) I cannot project my feelings onto others because not everyone is like me.
3) Deleting numbers from your phone is a dramatic, satisfying but ultimately meaningless move.
4) Keep your friends close but your enemies CLOSER.
5) Do not go to bed at 5AM with the misguided notion of waking up before noon.
6) Bar Hookup primetime: 3:30AM.
7) It is very possible for chemistry to be one-sided. Unfortunately.
8) I have a very high physical pain tolerance.
9) The power of tailoring clothing is vastly under-rated.
10) Yes, there is such a thing as cockblockers. They suck and I hope to never be one.

And finally:

The beauty and tragedy of life is that it only goes in one direction.

What I Want

2010-05-12T23:49:00.003-04:00

People often ask me: what do you want? Exasperatedly.

That's not always as easy of a question as you would think. First of all, let's not even count the times when I truly did not know what I want. Did I want the Michael Kors or Chloe handbag? A trip to India or Iceland? The choices are there, I just want to pick the better option.

But there are those times when I really do not know what I want because the choices are not clear. There aren't even choices. I could want something which could merely be a symbol for what I really want. Or I could want a phantom thing that I can never possess. Whatever it is, the situation is like quicksand, always changing, always unpredictable and always dangerous. How do I know what I want if I've never had any of these choices? I feel like a girl from rural China who is suddenly plopped in Serendipity and faced with all of these bewildering desserts. I would not know what I want because I've never experienced any of these desserts. How will I know if I would like them? All I know probably is that I want something sweet and filling and pleasurable.

Well, I want the same thing. I want to be happy. No, let's aim higher. I want to be on a euphoric high every single second of the day. I want to be super focused, intense and filled to the brim with positive energy. I want to feel beautiful, exciting and absolutely irresistable.

Most of all, I want to live with no regrets.

2010-04-21T23:16:00.003-04:00

Returning Intro

I’ve missed you, dear blog. Actually I have written some half-assed posts since the last time I really posted, but they were all unfulfilled attempts. I’m trying to get my writing groove back and it’s been hard. Everytime I put pen to paper (or hand to keyboard), I feel stuck. Not because I have nothing to say, but because I have too much to say and don’t know how to speak to it without diminishing it. I have a tendency to do this funny thing where I don’t like to talk to people about things until this thing has been successfully managed to a point where it is no longer a big deal. In other words, at a point where words can sufficiently express how I feel about it. Otherwise when I speak about it to someone and the words come out and I realize how inadequate and stupid it all sounds when in fact it is to me (at that moment) a matter of life or death, it just frustrates me and makes me even more agitated.

I’ve decided that I’m keeping a separate, private blog. At the same time I know I need to have a public blog, even if I’m not sure anyone I know reads this. But it makes a difference to know that these words are sent out to the e-universe, for whoever to stumble upon. I guess that’s what it means to be published, right?

The 3 Black Hole Months...

It’s been almost three months since my last entry about my fears. I wish so badly I had kept up with the blog during these “black hole” months, or even a journal, because in retrospect it would’ve made for some interesting reading. However, living it is another story. The past few months have been comparable to Singapore. Comparable, but not quite, of course. In some ways they are similar in that I’ve stretched myself out like a balloon facilitated by the act of me moving away from my parents. I wish I had moved out sooner. My life for the past few months has been knocked out of whack. There’s no more rhyme or rhythm. No more routine. I like to imagine myself as an orbiting planet, stable and always on course, but a comet has come to disturb the equilibrium. And will I ever be on the same orbit again? I think not.

I’ve shocked myself by acting in ways that I never imagined I would. I think this is what happens when you grow up in an overprotective, conservative family who caution you against doing every single thing in the book. But at the same time, I also think that it’s not the move-out factor so much as it is the fact that I am a very emotionally driven high charged person who pursues goals against all costs. My behavior is not situational but instead arises internally. In the name of [fill in blank] I would go to excessive lengths to get whatever “it” is. Things that might go beyond what is considered the norm into the realm of “wtf are you thinking, are you nuts” territory. I don’t deny this in myself, and my therapist has pretty much noted the same thing. Yes, I have a therapist and she is awesome! I love the feeling of having someone holding all of the secrets and emotions in my life, EVER, and even though she might not know me so well, she is the repository into which I throw all of these guilty, shameful and ridiculous lifelong issues into. One person who knows everything. Everyone should have a therapist, amen.

My close friends have for the most part been there for me. I am much more comfortable with going to friends for help and advice than ever before when I felt like I had to manage everything on my own instead of bothering anyone else with my problems. Like KL so wisely said, all of the trivial things don’t even register with me anymore. I mean, they still do, but I no longer keep track of who calls me first or I didn’t get invited or that person gave me a weird look. They register with me temporarily, and then I forget about it whereas before it would pretty much ruin my day. Now there are much bigger issues to deal with, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing. I’m very grateful to have the close friends that I do, and sometimes old friends surprise me by being there for me when I didn’t expect it.

Philosophy on Relationships

I've also been thinking a lot about philosophy through my experiences. What do I really want out of life? When people tell me to do the "right" thing, maybe their definition of "right" is different than mine. Sometimes it's obvious but other times it's not quite so clearly delineated. In relationships it is so hard to say who is right or wrong, because the premise upon which a relationship is built is an emotion that is entirely blameless. I love when I do, and when I don't love you will just have to accept it. Put another way, you can't help how you feel. You can't just say, you are wrong/evil because you fell out of love, or you are wrong/evil because you fell in love with the wrong person. However, commitments are a different story. When you make promises to someone, you will be breaking a contractual agreement if you behave in a way that betrays that contract. It's like any other contract, right? This is why I'm very careful to make any kind of promises to anyone or create any kind of expectations but when I do, you will know for sure that I'm for real. The other side of the coin is that sometimes I can't get the other person to make the kind of promises that I want.

I think ultimately love is a conscious choice. I don't believe in love at first sight or that you can only be in love with one person ever. I used to, but I don't anymore. Love is a commitment you make with someone, but that doesn't mean the potential is not there for there to be desires that lie outside of that commitment. Therefore relationships take a LOT of work and maintenance. And true love will grow over time...

Have I sapped you out already? Wait, there's more. In the midst of all my musings and observations after having and heard SO MUCHHHH over the past few months, I realize that in the end each person and situation is different. EVERY relationship has nuances that no one else shares. With each experience, I grow so much and learn so much about myself and other people. It's been an eye-opening journey and so glad I haven't missed my train. I've realized above all that my heart definitely overrules my head 99% of the time and there's just no stopping it. I will be swept along by my desires and emotions no matter how much I try to stop it, and I don't foresee this changing anytime soon. When I feel, I feel intensely, and when I don't, it's like it never existed.

On Life in General

Philanthropy wise, I'm working with Streetwise Partners mentoring program and love my mentee Alfonso! Also got on the microfinancing committee at CS as well as recently started as Director of Local Corporate Relations with Project by Project. More details to come on this. Actually one of the guys on the steering committee knows a guy who is thinking of buying a business on the corner of the street where I used to live in Brooklyn, who has a girlfriend who knows HW. LOL what a small world!

New places I've discovered! My current FAVORITE restaurant in NYC - ilili. Also loved Blossom Vegan, Holy Basil, Quintessance, Cafe Orlin, Craft. I did several spa treatments at Bliss 49, Just Calm Down and also Tribeca Spa of Tranquility, all of which are fantastic and definitely would go back. Bar-wise, hit up Bar 675 one of my faves in the village, and love The Dove, Ainsworth, Joshua Tree and Me Bar in K-town which I've been wanting to try out for a while.

Went to a wedding back in February at the Mandarin Oriental and organized various dinners and game nights at my apartment which everyone who ever comes raves about =) I must say I am in love with my apartment and I still stop to marvel sometimes at how much I love every single detail I put in because it is all me! There is so much love and care and attention to detail and style in the room that it's hard not to feel unique. I am always so happy when people comment that it is cozy and chic and girly and different because that's what I'm going for! Come spring and summer I will make some changes to the walls and maybe sell the desk to make room for a small sofa that's been cluttering up the walk-in closet, but we'll see. Things have been soooooo perfect apartment-wise and I love the lounge/gym/rooftop deck and all my doormen and just everything!!!!!!! Loving this place so much it'll be hard to say goodbye when the time comes...

Speaking of which, I've been doing tons of shopping and spending shitloads of money on random things like clothing, jewelry, makeup and random things for the apartment. It just seems like it's never enough! However, space is becoming an issue. So I am definitely thinking of arranging a spring sale in Brooklyn since last year it was so successful. Every weekend my schedule is packed with things to do that I hardly have time to do any of the things I used to do like having a good chunk of time to work on my writing, reading, or going to the gym, or catching up on TV shows or just veg out in bed. No longer! All my time is spent volunteering, shopping for "necessities," hanging out with friends/dates and doctor/spa/therapist appointments. Plus a lot of panels/networking events and social events. Gahh!!! There is just so much going on, and I've already shaved off a lot of commitments from a few weeks back. Juggling is the word of the year it seems.

Anyway, work has been going very well but intensely busy from time to time. I think I've been getting too used to the short distance to work because sometimes I even cab it to work which is a VERY bad habit. I think if I counted I would've spent like $300 on cabs a month which is terrible, but they are just so convenient! My surgery date is tentatively set for July 20th, more on that later....

Oh, and before I sign off on my first quarterly update, I did a spontaneous thing I'm very proud of. I booked an entirely unplanned trip to Nice, France last night. Just on a whim. For Memorial Day weekend. This is a great step in the right direction! Sometimes, I just need to let go of control and planning and overthinking and just go for it.

Fear

2010-01-28T17:43:00.000-05:00

Another week has passed in a blur. Not a good blur. I miss my mom so much – it’s weird not getting to talk to her everyday. I can’t talk to her since only the home phone is good for calling China but I don’t really want to talk to her now since it just makes me so sad that she is sad and I don’t want to bother her with a lot of questions since she is busy and tired, so I just keep getting all this information from my dad every night. Plus, the usual things I pile on her probably doesn’t matter so much anymore. Who I talked to, what pissed me off at work, little petty things here and there.

Ever since grandpa passed too, I’ve been terrified of sleeping alone. I am so scared I will die in my sleep, from a structural heart defect or myocarditis. It’s probably my hypochondria acting up again, and I’m trying to convince myself of that, but it takes willpower and deep breathing to keep me from rushing to the ER room. Last night I was even tempted to leave a note, saying something like, I knew I had a heart problem, and if you are reading this now it means I should’ve went to the hospital but didn’t and I’m sorry, I love you. It’s not helping that my chest is legitimately congested and my heart pounds like crazy every night (this has been happening since March). All symptoms of something more sinister, of course. It’s driving me crazy and I’m so scared to fall asleep for fear I will never wake up. I worry about who will find me. I worry that I will cause my parents more distress, that I will never see my mom again. I sit in bed reluctant to close my eyes, checking WebMD online, then drifting off at 2AM with the TV on, only to wake up a few hours later by something that might be fear. I know it sounds crazy, and it seems crazy to me as I think about this during the daytime, but at night it becomes the most real, urgent thing in my life. I am just terrified to be alone, for fear that no one will be there to rescue me. It’s also probably I hear all these stories about young people my age who die suddenly in their sleep with no symptoms. One of my dad’s friend’s son passed away in such a manner, in his sleep, and to this day the autopsy and toxicology reports show nothing. Nada. They have absolutely no idea what happened. I really wish I could go to the hospital and do a whole bunch of cardiology tests to give my mind some peace. I have enough problems sleeping as it is – this is just completely fucking everything up. But you know what, this fear, this conviction that I have something that will kill me at night gives me a new appreciation for when I wake up in the morning. I am so grateful to wake up and still be alive, and I treat everything like it might be the last.

You can psychoanalyze this all you want, and I have no idea but I just want to live so badly. Well, enough talk about dying. If this is the last entry I make I want it to be a happy one. I’m going to see a Broadway show South Pacific with my cousin tomorrow night. I got the tickets a long time ago as her birthday gift and I’m so excited to see this classic. Then I asked her to stay over the entire weekend with me so I won’t be alone. I have so much shit to do this Saturday, as I have to take the tax training course as well as finish my long overdue writing assignment (hope my instructor is not tooooo disappointed) and also fix up my shelves and everything. Then on Sunday I have a full day training course on this tax thing. It’s the same thing as last year – do income tax returns for the lower income people so that they get maximum benefits. I enjoyed it so much last year and I can’t wait to do it again this year.

I also want to buy tickets to see A View from a Bridge starring Scarlett Johansson and Liev Schreiber. It’s a classic Arthur Miller play and it sounds so riveting and it has been given great reviews from all of the critics I’ve read. February will be a busy month at work as well as in personal life as I hold my makeup housewarming/game night, then comes stupid valentine’s day which also marks Mom’s return, and Aunt, Uncle and Cousin are also coming to the US for the first time as a family. Then I have a whole bunch of surgeon appointments to attend to. Dad has been much calmer and supportive the past week about this as he realizes that the situation is not as dire as he imagined (it never is). I just wish I can find a good surgeon soon because if I don’t, the surgery date might get pushed back further and further until I get stuck with a fall date and then I can’t even go back to China this year! This year I am not planning on taking any long vacations since I’ll already be out of commission at work for surgery and for the China trip. I plan on taking 3 week chunks for both surgery and China (where hopefully I get a chance to go to either Tokyo/Seoul/Taiwan/Tibet). We’ll see.

I got my bonus at work yesterday – it was okay, nothing spectacular. I didn’t know what to expect so I barely gave it a thought. Its like, ok I get this money but life still goes on as normal. My everyday routine is not going to change, my lifestyle is not going to change. And plus, I’ve realized that money might make you happy for a momentary while but it can’t keep you happy forever. For example, I buy all this stuff for my apartment but after a while I don’t even notice it anymore, and if you think about it, you only probably use about 20% of all of the stuff you have. No matter how many jackets I buy, I stick to one everyday. No matter how many shoes I have, I usually wear sneakers to work and change into my same black pumps that I’ve been using for a year. All of this STUFF in my closet and in my room are basically just lying there, unused. Happiness comes from being presented with fulfilling, meaningful interactions either with yourself or with other people on a continuous basis. Happiness comes from relationships.

And so therefore I’ve made two commitments to myself the past week. The first one is that every single day I will do something that’s a little different from my routine, to try and push me out of my comfort zone. Sometimes it might be a huge thing, like going on a blind date. But other days it might just be as simple as starting a conversation with my doorman when I otherwise might not have. And I will write this down everyday. Who knows, this little diary might lead to inspirations for a novel! =)

The second commitment is something entirely different. I took my first pole dancing class last Friday and let me tell you, it is SO ADDICTIVE. I took the class out of curiosity, at SHOCKra studio which is pretty awesome because each girl gets a pole and there’s a maximum of 8 girls in the class, expecting nothing too amazing. I can’t believe the instructor taught us the spinning and climbing up on the pole on the first class. My arm muscles were so sore for the next 3 or 4 days, so much so that I could not even LIFT them up at some points. I’ve never had such arm muscle soreness in my entire life. Pole dancers make it look so damn easy but pole dancing is actually very hard work and takes a ton of strength and agility. It’s almost like acrobatics. I got a million little bruises on my inner thigh and also two huge deep purple bruises on my knee after just 1 hour class. It HURTS like hell sometimes. This is because you bang and rub up against the pole in some of the softest parts of your body where it is not protected. Basically I tried spinning around and around the pole by and it didn’t really work out and you need to really have a lot of arm, back and shoulder strength to support your own weight. My instructors showed us the move where you climb on the pole and then slide down, seductively and slowly. I got my leg up on the pole for a second and then crashed with a thud. It seemed IMPOSSIBLE. I was huffing and puffing and bruising all over and sore everywhere. I thought this was the end of pole dancing for me.

But after I got home I decided to do some research into pole dancing and boy, I didn’t realize how complex this could get. I thought the moves my instructor showed us was super hard, but youtube “pole dancing” and you will see some of the most beautiful, complex and difficult dancing ever. It was like they were flying through the air, graceful and light and mesmerizing to watch. I can compare it to Cirque du Soleil. Pole dancing can have a negative connotation because of its association with strip clubs but now I no longer see it that way. It is dancing/acrobatics/pilates all into one, and it can be performed either athletically or seductively. I also thought that maybe only short, thin little girls could do it well but after googling and researching for hours that night, I found videos of all kinds of shapes and sizes doing amazing things with the pole. I then realized that I could do it too. But I need a LOT of upper body strength before I can do any of the tricks.

So my second commitment this year is to get a lot of upper body strength, enough to be able to hold myself up and pole dance. I plan to go to the gym and weight train with the sole focus on getting that upper body strength, which I naturally just do not have. Some of the girls in the class were first-timers like me and definitely not as fit as I am but some were able to hold themselves up longer than I did! I’ve always known that I have weak arms but not until now am I finally resolving to get this fixed. I want to pole dance so bad and look beautiful and graceful while doing it. The only drawback is that it’s hard to practice on your free time because I have to get a pole installed in my apartment and there’s no room, and lessons are only 1 hour long. 6 classes, one per week, costs $180 which is not cheap. So I have to maximize my practicing in class. But after I think I have enough strength, I will try again and take the class and see how I do. I am really, really excited to do this and I love that I have a goal that I want to reach. Not only because I can pole dance, but because pole dancing makes me feel so fit! It’s a fabulous workout that I could never replicate elsewhere because it’s very technical. I even have thought about getting a personal trainer to teach me how to get that upper body strength but I will try on my own and see how far it goes.

Coping in Rocky Times

2010-01-21T16:36:00.001-05:00

My grandfather passed away on Wednesday morning (China time). I got 6 missed calls from my dad on Tuesday evening and I knew something was up. My dad’s voice sounded so strange when he picked up my call. I was so scared. At that moment, he could have said anything, and I mean ANYTHING, and it would have changed my life forever. He said in Chinese that my grandpa was gone. When something this shocking is being told to you, you feel like the world has shifted a little, tilted on its axis a little, and you wonder (hope, pray) if you have temporarily lost touch with reality. But reality forces you to acknowledge its presence. My mom sobbed on the phone, incomprehensible, and then the phone went dead. I sat on my bed for 10 minutes and stared at the floor. It’s funny how nothing else, physically, has changed. But something fundamentally has rocked our family’s world, and nothing will ever be the same again.

I wasn’t close to my grandfather. But the level of filial devotion my mom shows to her parents is extraordinary. The shock is so great because my grandfather has always been the healthiest of them all – he is a decades long smoker but he has a daily routine that involves drinking green tea and walking three miles to visit his old buddies in the park and he is also mentally and physically agile. He was 84. To see my mom in such pain, grief and fatigue is agonizing for me. I didn’t know what to do at first when I saw her. What do you say to someone who has just lost their father? My mom has always comforted me but now it is time for me to comfort her, and it was an uncomfortable feeling. I am so worried about her and I hope that this won’t make her vulnerable to aging and other health or mental issues. Maybe it’s selfish but I dearly hope that she will let grief pass with time and return to her normal self. I don’t want this to haunt her, and since we’ve never experienced this loss before for my mom, I don’t know what will happen.

The complicating factor is always extended family. As I write this, my mom is on her way to Shanghai to be with her family. I hope she will feel better when she is with her sisters and brothers and her mom, so that she will be comforted by their presence and things will get done like funeral preparations, burial and other post-mortem matters. My poor grandma – she’s been with my grandpa for like 60 years. Can you imagine? I can’t. We all know that sooner or later we will get that dreaded phone call but you are NEVER prepared for when it happens. My mom got an emergency visa yesterday morning and after we came back from the embassy (I took my bereavement leave for the day) she ate lunch and got some rest, while I went shopping to get some personal/gift items for her and the family like melatonin, throat medication, nuts, chocolate, fish oils and tea cups. It’s the least I can do for her, and for my grandparents. I think she got better after her nap and I think me being around definitely helped. I tried to act normal and talk cheerfully and showed her all of the things that I bought for her, just like I would have if things had been ‘normal.’

At night my dad drove to JFK and I nearly cried after hugging her goodbye. This is the worst case scenario to have to go back to China like this. She will be coming back on February 14th on Chinese New Year. So she will be gone for almost a month. I miss her already and hope and hope and hope that all will be well and smooth during her stay in China.

To my unending surprise, as I wheeled the bags into the airport with my mom, I saw HW and his mom and aunt and uncle. I knew he was going to China soon for his job and for a few moments I thought he was going back right then and there! He was actually just sending off his aunt and uncle to China. It felt surreal to bump into him in the airport on a random Wednesday night, under such strange circumstances. I am actually really really glad that they were there because when I talked to her my mom on the phone later that night while she was waiting at the gate she seemed almost normal! She was talking more than she had talked all day and sounded like herself. I was relieved a little. All she talked about was what happened with HW and with his relatives after I left the airport and how nice he was and what he said and what the aunt said and so forth. It seemed like meeting them distracted her out of her own thoughts a bit and talking to other people of course helped. HW told me later that my mom had spoken to him in English about why she was going back to China (his aunt and uncle didn’t speak English). Then we talked for an hour that night and caught up. It definitely helps to talk to people. It helps you get your mind out of your own problems and open your eyes and your attention to the bigger world. When you are in the middle of something catastrophic, your problems engulf you so that you feel like it takes over your whole world, but once someone else pops the bubble you feel like you can breathe again, if only for a moment. Last night at home I got the best night of sleep I’ve had in a month.

I’ve been also very busy myself lately going to birthday parties, planning parties, having friends over my apartment and catching up on all the things I had put off until after my GMAT. Funnily, my to-do list has grown even larger. Every weekend feels busier than the weekdays. I’m ramping up my volunteer schedule and going back to my gym routines, and I’ve signed up for dance classes. People are like – what type of dance? I can never tell them that I’m taking pole dancing. My first lesson at SHOCKra studio is tomorrow night. It’s really expensive but it’s like 2 blocks from work, has gotten great reviews and I’m honestly interested in what kind of things I’ll be learning. Maybe I have a hidden talent for these things, who knows? I won’t know if I don’t try. I know I’m not a natural at hip hop, for example. But I know I’m really good at belly dancing, and I will probably take more classes for that.

In addition, the biggest thing on my horizon right now is my orthognathic surgery. I had my first surgeon consultation visit yesterday and it was quite stressful. First, I found out that the surgeon my orthodontist Dr. Lai recommended was out-of-network of my insurance. They actually don’t take any insurance. Then my dad yelled at me on the phone for like 2 hours after he found out he wasn’t in network. Sure, I was upset too, but I’m willing to explore more options. I’m going to find out more about how much this guy Dr. Glickman is going to cost, plus other doctors. It’s going to take a lot of legwork, paperwork and phone calls and if he FREAKS OUT at this little thing a day into the surgery prep, I think HE will be more cause of my stress than the surgery and the cost added together. I don’t understand how he can be like this, and hopefully he was so bitchy because he got no sleep the night before, he’s stressed out because of my mom’s situation and he was not fed and therefore cranky to begin with. We both don’t want to mention any of this in front of my mom, but it’s like once she’s out of earshot, he takes it up again with me. He is seriously one of the most negative and easily stressed out people I know. I’m sort of like him, except I recognize when I’m being dramatic and take steps to control myself and improve my ways whereas his personality and tendency to overreact is already set in stone. At the same time that I appreciate both my parents wanting to actively manage this surgery and help me with everything, I also want them to not micro-manage and stress me out in the process. He was screaming just for the sake of screaming, and it wasn’t going to help things out. Sometimes I just want to scream back, you need to calm the fuck down. And then hang up.

Anyway, while this whole in network and out of network issue is still on the table, we’ve got ourselves another problem, and that is whether my insurance will cover this surgery at all. If not, I’m royally and utterly screwed. It’s too late to turn back now, and what if I can’t move forward? The surgery costs like 70,000-80,000 without insurance. With insurance, it’s still substantial around 10K but I think I am mentally and financially ready to handle this. Bye bye 2009 bonus (and then some). But if it all comes out great it’ll be worth it, of course. Anyway, it just stresses me out to know that not only will I have to deal with the insurance companies and the doctors and the orthodontists to work out everything, I will also have to deal with my dad. I wish I didn’t have to tell him anything anymore but of course he will ask and I am not going to lie. God, I’m stressed out just thinking about it. He just thinks the worst of everyone and everything and he thinks the doctor is out to ‘get me’ and that he’s a liar and trying to cheat me out of my money. It’s such an ugly outpouring of distrust and small-mindedness I’m embarrassed on his behalf. Doctors in America do not equal Chinatown street peddlers. Doctors are also at the mercy of the messed up health care infrastructure we have in this country. They do good work and before my procedure is even to begin, already he is badmouthing my potential surgeon? I don’t want karma to come back to me on the operating table. He better watch his mouth, and I told him that. But of course he just keeps ranting and raving like a lunatic. The doctor seemed very nice and knowledgeable and he had said I am welcome to bring family members on the next visit but now I’m hesitant to bring my dad for fear he will utterly embarrass me. (Although if my mom was physically around though she would calm him down a bit). I can’t even thank the doctor enough for what he does, and now for my dad to say these awful things about someone he’s never even met??? Thank God I don’t live at home. We don’t have a habit of calling each other now that my mom is in China so I will try and keep our communication on this to a minimal. Please wish me good luck. I will need it.

Gone with the Wind!!!!!!!!

2010-01-11T18:04:00.001-05:00

I enjoyed seeing Gone with the Wind on the big screen much, much more than I ever anticipated. I thought I would be one of the few people sitting in the silent auditorium, on a quiet Sunday afternoon, but when I got there the theater was already packed and people were fighting for seats. Luckily, I got a center seat but that was only because I was by myself. There would be no way two people could’ve sat together. The crowd was great. This was my first time watching this movie with anyone else, and people laughed and applauded and were in good spirits. The quality of the film wasn’t great and the sound was low and it was jarring to watch when I was anticipating an HD-upgraded version or something, but as I got into the movie I really appreciated that this was the ORIGINAL, this was what people saw in 1939.

Vivien Leigh is absolutely perfect as Scarlett O’Hara. No one could’ve played her better. She is breathtakingly beautiful to look at on the big screen, and all of her outfits are amazing. She is not just a pretty face either – her acting speaks volumes. Every look, every smile, every word, is the very incarnation of who Scarlett is. I ADORE her. One of the scenes that literally brought tears to my eyes was the end of “Act 1” when Scarlett stumbled out to the barren fields, tattered and hungry and desperate, and she threw up the wild radish that she ate directly from the soil. We see her face, silhouetted against the red angry sky, as she declared that “if I have to lie, cheat, steal or kill, as God is my witness, I will never be hungry again.” The musical score rose up and the camera backed away to reveal her standing alone in the middle of the field, with her fist raised in oath. A-Mazing.

And Rhett Butler, of course, is played perfectly by Clark Gable, who interestingly did not even want to play this part until he got ‘bribed’ by one of the producers who promised to give him money so that he could divorce his wife. LOL. An interesting tidbit. But anyhow, Scarlett and Rhett has got to be my favorite onscreen couple ever, just as GWTW is my favorite movie ever. I can watch it a thousand times and I have the scenes and lines practically memorized by now, but I will never get tired of it, ever.

One of the things I wish they had done was to actually give us a real ‘intermission’ which would break up the 4 hours into 2 segments. That way the experience of watching GWTW on the big screen would be even more authentic. I’m just so glad that there are other people out there who appreciate this movie enough to come and sit there for 4 hours. I think a lot of people in the audience have actually seen the movie already because just before some big or funny scenes, I can feel people anticipating the emotion or the laughter or whatever. Everyone clapped at the intermission and at the end.

Watching this movie again made me really really happy and somehow, in all the times that I’ve watched it, this time after the ending I really truly believed that Scarlett would find a way to win Rhett back. I’ve thought a lot about whether he would actually forgive Scarlett for all that she has done, and his “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn” is not that encouraging, but THIS time it dawned on me that OF COURSE Scarlett would find a way to get him back – she’s Scarlett! Rhett also said that he would be going back to Charleston, and Scarlett’s Tara is in Charleston, and she would going there too to find him. THEN, another clue is that Rhett had said before to Scarlett that he likes to go after lost causes “only when it’s truly lost.” So, yay? I cannot believe that Rhett would just leave Scarlett like that, and it was a revelation and a huge relief to finally believe, in my heart, that this story must have had a happy ending. If Rhett and Scarlett cannot be together, then there is no hope for true love in this world…

I know I sound like a raving lunatic here but I love this movie to death and I just cannot believe my good fortune in seeing it at Loews. Will never forget this chance. Next time, if there is one, I’m dragging someone to come with me.

Visualization

2010-01-07T11:27:00.000-05:00

I’m sooooooo excited for this weekend.

This is how it’s *supposed* to go: After my GMAT I will hopefully exit with a smile on my face and triumph in my heart. Since I will be in Herald Sq I probably will do some clothes shopping, which I haven’t done for a long time. Then I will go home, cook myself a nice dinner and catch up on my TV shows. Later at night depending on my energy level I will then go karaoke in K-Town with the gang. I want to sing some Lady Gaga and Ke$ha! Then Sunday will be another awesome day. Believe it or not, I’m planning to go to work Sunday morning not because I have to but because I want to – it’ll make the rest of the my very busy next week that much smoother. I won’t be sad, because I’ll be looking forward to my first GONE WITH THE WIND BIG SCREEN PREMIERE at Loews!!!!!!!!!!! The only showtime is at 2PM (the one in the East Village) and just thinking about it makes my heart pound faster with anticipation. I don’t know how or why they are doing this, but I heard the news a month ago and bought my ticket right away. This is my favorite movie of all time, and I get to see it in a real movie theater!!! From watching tattered VHS tapes when I was 12 years ago to upgrading to a DVD when I was 20 to getting the collector’s edition DVD recently to finally watching it in a movie theater…my love affair with this movie is now complete. After the movie I will go home, clean, cook and wait for KL and RB to show up for dinner. Oh, and Chuck has a two hour premier Sunday night. =)

They say athletes visualize their performance so as to optimize it. I’m trying to do the same.

With Love

2010-01-05T17:24:00.000-05:00

I finally backed up my files into My Book and installed Windows 7 on my laptop!!! It took like 3 hours but it was super smooth and I’m very happy with my new operating system. It still looks much like Windows Vista but since it finished installing at about 2AM and I took a mere peek at it before going to bed, I’m sure it has many capabilities that I have yet to explore. I can’t wait!

Everytime I log onto my computer, I see my newest desktop background picture, the screen love of my life. I haven’t had one of these in a while, trust me. I can’t even remember the last time I was so enthralled by an actor, by a man [I’m hearing echoes of Rihanna’s Breakin’ Dishes chorus line: a man, a man, a maheeaaannn…] Seriously. I’m happy that I am still a warm-blooded woman not too old to be infatuated, but at the same time, I’m slightly embarrassed by this development. Ok – not so much embarrassed as apprehensive…because whereas when I was little I am content with admiring from afar, now I’m practical and I demand. I want. I ask, why not? Who’s to stop me? So yes, it’s unrequited love…or maybe it’s knowing without a doubt what my ‘type’ is and knowing that this ‘type’ might be harder to find than I thought. Or maybe not – we’ll see.

I finished watching two of his TV series recently and I’m just blown away by how much emotion he can evoke through every pore of his being but mostly through his eyes, while still remaining believable. In this one role, he is, without a doubt, the hottest prisoner of all time. I don’t mean just looks, but his entire persona is just mesmerizing. It breaks my heart. It really does. His sorrow, anguish, hopelessness, anger, and then tear-inducing joy – all conveyed through nothing but his eyes, his face…and all while wearing rags with dirt on his face and body. (While remaining sexy as hell.) This man is talented beyond belief. In another role, the single-minded love and devotion he feels towards his wife is the stuff girls dream about – and I’m not an exception. Not everyone might agree, but in my eyes he is perfection and I adore him so much it hurts to even look at his picture. I’m more in love with the characters he embodies rather than necessarily the actor himself, which makes the entire situation that much harder. What is real to aspire to and what is just cotton candy and air kisses? These characters are written by someone, not flesh and blood. My mom says these movies are ruining me to pine for an ideal that does not exist, and I agree, but at the same time who’s to say that you should deny yourself the imagination of the ideal? At least I know my direction, even if I never reach my destination.

So to summarize…well, I’m going to stop here because this is a whole another conversation that we can have offline, but I just have to say that I’m not going to give up. I also need to go to Shanghai…which I might actually get to do this October if all goes well. Here’s to my love!

Oh, and I love my mentor at work!!! She’s freaking awesome!!!

Last Post of the Year: On Chemistry.

2009-12-31T13:34:00.001-05:00

I’ve been watching this Chinese TV series recently and it’s gotten pretty addictive. It’s called 锁清秋 and at first I just intended it to serve as background noise around the apartment, with some casual watching here and there. I’ve seen WAY too many of these formulaic 1920’s big traditional family epic dramas where the characters are always stereotyped, despite the varying plots and backgrounds. For example, we have the Long-Suffering Beautiful Heroine who has some tragic back-story, the Jealous First Wife, the Strict Mother-in-Law who has misunderstandings/hate the Heroine who is her Daughter-In-Law, the Evil Villain who lusts after the Heroine but could not get her, and the Young Master Hero who is well-off but who has some kind of inner deficiency. Wash, rinse, repeat. I’ve witnessed this formula repeated so many times I can usually predict what happens and it bores me to death. I love the costumes and the big shouting match drama but there is nothing there to pull me in and hold me emotionally.

This new show destroyed all of my predictions. Everytime I thought, oh there goes that scene again, I was confused when a different and shocking twist comes. This show is so not the typical costume drama at all. For example, when the Beautiful and Kind Heroine got married to the Hero and got pregnant, his first two wives got jealous and one of them decided to ruin her pregnancy. She succeeded, and the Heroine grieved, and of course we, the viewers, grit our teeth and wish the heroine would just STAND UP FOR HERSELF once in a while instead of being pushed around by everyone else. Then, in one of my favorite scenes ever, the heroine for once actually seems to read the minds of viewers everywhere and got up from her sickbed to verbally torment and quietly threaten her tormentors, and vowed to never let anyone step on her again. This is unprecedented in Chinese television. It was so satisfying I can watch that scene a thousand times and feel vindicated. Another scene was when the Heroine and her Hero was put on trial for secretly cavorting with each other (the Heroine was married) and when the judge questioned them the Hero actually stood up and avowed his love for the Heroine loudly and unashamedly in front of the entire courtroom. Also, the Strict Mother-in-Law actually respected the Heroine after a while of humiliating her, the First Wife and the Heroine actually became friends, and the Second Wife who I thought was the main Villain of the series actually repented and helped the Heroine. The other characters – the Revenging Prostitute, the Childhood Love and the supporting cast were all original and 3-dimensional characters. I was watching a breakthrough. Props to the screenwriter Yu Zheng – he is my hero. I forever will love and watch all of the series that he writes for. He is just brilliant and unpredictable and so smart.

Anyway, what I also loved about the show was the love story between the Heroine and the Hero. The Hero is just…amazing. I love him. Most of all, I love the chemistry between him and the Heroine. What is chemistry exactly? You cannot define it until you see it in action, in front of your eyes, and everyone will know it when they see it. Sometimes you put two attractive people in a room and separately they seem perfect but together they are as boring as milk and crackers. But sometimes you put two seemingly ordinary people in a room and sparks shoot out of their eyes when they look at each other and they become 1. In this show, of course both the Hero and the Heroine and mad attractive but I have seen both of them act with other people and it was just not the same. When the two of them are in a scene together, magic happens. It’s as if nothing else in the world exists when they look at each other, or maybe the audience feels like they fill up the screen so that nothing else exists. In any case, it’s acting at its best – or is it? I always wonder how the emotions you feel when you act carry over to real life. I mean, I understand acting is a profession and there are many technical aspects to it, but we are all human when all is said and done. I’m not sure that the emotions you have to evoke in yourself when you look at your screen love would just suddenly ‘switch off’ when the cameras go off. So I think there’s got to be something there between the two of them – something real – that transcends work or personal life or whatever. There’s much more to a relationship than just chemistry – there is also personality, location, age, hobbies, quirks, backgrounds, etc – but just going on chemistry alone, I think these two people have it down pat, even if they might not know it themselves. But we the viewers know it and that’s why the two of them have already worked together 3 times –because WE WANT THEM TO!!!

Other pairings on TV that have great chemistry includes (and I’m thinking off the top of my head): Vivien Leigh and Clark Gables in Gone with the Wind, Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook, Anna Paquin and Stephen Moyer in True Blood, Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger in Jerry Maguire, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and Natalie Dormer in The Tudors, Brendan Fraser and Rachel Weisz in The Mummy and Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie in Mr. and Mrs. Smith. I knowwww some of these pairings actually became real life couples but I could have predicted that just seeing how they are onscreen. Life imitates art.

等待

2009-12-30T23:12:00.002-05:00

One of my favorite actors wrote this, and it was very thought-provoking. I'm posting it so I can save it somewhere visible where I can look back on...

每个人生命中都不可能避免的一件事就是等待.等待一个好的成绩,等待一份满意的工作,等待一段好的缘份,等待一次光辉的实现...因为再强大的人也没有能力主宰一切.

等待是必须的,过程是艰熬的,人要学会一件事,那就是释怀.得到了不要太得意,失去了不要太低落.因为生命中还会经历无数次的等待...所以不要给自己太多的压力,也不要给身边人太多的压力.该是我的总是我的.

其实,我已经是很幸运的了,虽然能力有限,但身边总会有那么多关心我爱我的人在各个方面给我指点了正确的路.所以不管遇到什么痛苦和艰难,都要考虑到别人的感受.多为别人着想,没有爱就没有痛,没有失败也体会不到成功...时间不是唯一,但却是解决等待的一个好办法,所以,做好自己该做的事,其他的都交给等待吧...

X MAS

2009-12-28T09:45:00.002-05:00

I went home on Christmas. I wanted to go back on Christmas Eve, but AA came over and I made us dinner (spiced potatoes, couscous, mushroom turnovers and vegetable jalfrezi curry) and we had wine and talked for a long time until I had to hustle her out at 1 AM cause I was exhausted. But she loved my apartment! The best compliment anyone can give my apartment is ‘cozy’ and ‘comfortable.’ That’s exactly what I was going for. I want someone to be able to come in and not want to leave, or lose track of time. We exchanged gifts, like we always do on every Christmas Eve since four years ago. We said it would be our tradition. Let’s see how long it lasts…

Anyway, I got in trouble at work on Christmas Eve for wearing jeans. It was my honest mistake, because it was a kid’s holiday party and the whole office mood was so casual and most people were out and everyone was going to head home early anyways. But my boss’s boss made a big deal out of it, and I wasn’t sure if he was joking or not but I definitely sense his disapproval. I fretted about it for like a day but what’s done is done. I actually debated about whether to wear jeans or pants but ended up picking jeans. Now I would think the worse offense would be to leave the office early without asking, and my colleague did. Did she get punished for it? No, because she wasn’t caught. That’s the whole thing about the office, it’s not what you did right or wrong, it’s whether you get caught. My boss’s boss just so happened to walk across my aisle because he was talking to someone near me.

I got more than I expected on Christmas gift-wise and am really happily surprised. Mom and dad had guests over on Christmas day and I wish I could’ve helped them prepare and cook but really did not have the time. I had so much fun that night with the guests and the ‘kids’ who are not really kids anymore but my childhood friends/neighbors all grown up. There was ES (who stayed over my apt that night of the housewarming) and her sullen cousin T. Then there was YH who is the son of my parents’ relatively new Chinese friends. When I first met him something about him just rubbed me the wrong way, and I would often get irritated. But as I got to know him better recently, I found in him a kindred spirit. We have certain ideas about ways to live an ideal life, and a curiosity about esoteric things, that no one has ever shared with me before. Come to think of it, I don’t think any of my friends would really understand. We actually are very different people but there are grounds for us to be friends, and a potential for us to learn from each other. This really gives me hope that other people in my life might turn out the same way. I recently watched this show on the Travel Channel called “Meet the Natives” in which these indigenous people from this South Pacific island visits New York, Montana, Orange County, Mid-West, and Washington D.C. to bring their chief’s message of peace to the US and to find a guy called “Tom Navy.” This show made me cry and laugh and everything in between. If I were to sit opposite these indigenous people on the New York subway, I would not spare them a second glance. But they are beautiful people, so loving and generous and joyous. It makes me wonder how many strangers have passed me by that could have had beautiful souls and inspiring personalities and might have changed my life if I had known them.

Back to the party. I went over to AC’s house after dinner and had some delicious champagne. Together with DL and PC we all went back to my house afterwards and finished off the evening with some shenanigans that I’m sure would’ve been more risqué if we weren’t under adult supervision. I really wanted to play a board game but sometimes I suspect we are too old for this. I laughed so much and so hard and it was a great evening. My silliness was out in full force. My dad later asked - what exactly do you kids talk and laugh about? It doesn’t make much sense. Then he did an impersonation of what he thinks we talk about (the color of the ceiling) and it was really funny but I’m glad he doesn’t understand because sometimes parents should just be completely oblivious.

When I'm home home, I missed my cute little apartment and couldn't wait to go back. But every time I'm back, I miss being home! Strange. Could I split myself?

Doomsday Delayed

2009-12-23T12:08:00.001-05:00

I got zero hours of sleep last night. To make a long story short, I rescheduled my GMAT for January 9th. There was just no way to fit all of the studying that I had to in the next week. Thank God it wasn’t too late to reschedule, with a $50 fee, instead of the $250 that I would’ve had to pay if it was rescheduled within 7 calendar days. I think it’s all for the best, but the stress of agonizing over the decision and weighing the cons and pros totally fizzed out my mind. It’s all my fault that this is happening. I’ve come to realize that I have no discipline. I’m emotionally weak – anything can distract me and affect my motivation. I’m not grounded and centered, firm in purpose and mind. How can I achieve big things in life? How will I withstand all of the obstacles and stresses that come my way without crumbling in self-destruction at every little thing? I know I’m beating myself up, but it’s the truth……and I’m feeling pretty low right now. Although when I rescheduled the test…I felt the noose loosening just a bit…there was enough air that I could breathe again…but just barely.

Needless to say, this holiday won’t be the cheeriest. Yesterday I got into an argument with the manager at Walgreen’s, and then this big lady verbally assaulted me in 7-Eleven because I asked her ‘excuse me’ two times since she refused to move over. I was so mad. Yesterday night though the Time Warner guy came to install my internet. He was a strapping young Costa Rican man, tall with a twinkle in his eyes, bit shy. We started talking, and I ended up learning a lot about his job. They don’t have any bosses, work on their own schedule, gets paid hourly and has 33 days of PAID vacation every year, guaranteed by their union! He seemed interested in all of my postcards of the places I’ve traveled to, and I told him he should take a long backpacking vacation through Brazil or something with his 33 days. Anyway, he was super helpful and even got me a little sumthin’ sumthin’ extra if you know what I mean. NO get your mind out of the gutta! I’m not supposed to tell. But he got a nice big tip and a bottle of wine. Now my apartment is all wired up!

To tip or not to tip?

2009-12-21T17:37:00.001-05:00

I just won a $100 Chase debit card at work!!! I guess I was entered in the contest for donating to a charity in support of the holiday party, and I had no idea that there was even a prize, since I didn’t get to go to the holiday party. Score!!! Small things like that happen and make me smile, so why don’t they happen more often?? Another day I remember I went down to the little deli downstairs where I often purchase my lunch and the cashier guy who I never even talk handed me a $5 bill and said that I overpaid him by accident two days before. I was speechless. People like that still exist in this world, let alone in New York City? Amidst all of the cruelties and the isolation that we feel as human beings living in this impersonal urban jungle, there are nuggets of kindness that shine from individuals who deliver them.

This brings me to the topic of tipping. I always feared that I was alone in thinking that tipping is disguised extortion in general, but since this year I “have” to tip the doormen in my building, I decided to do a little research into tipping and I found that I was most definitely not the only person who think this way. There is a fiery debate every year come holiday time about who to tip and how much to tip and all of the little ins and outs of tipping. Before I start coming off as a Scrooge-like cheapskate, I would like to say that I don’t abhor the idea of tipping per se, since I enjoy tipping for good service. A hair stylist who really listens to my requests and who is friendly and gives an awesome blowout gets a big tip. When I get serviced by waiters or masseuse or a nail artist, I keep hoping that they will give me great service, partly because I would like the good service of course but also partly because I want to be justified in giving them a good fat tip.

With that said, however, tipping should not be done for services that you are being paid for. You should be tipped because you provide service above and beyond your basic duties, and no one would begrudge you that. Tipping, especially in NYC, has become such a “standard” that if you don’t tip, people will give you the evil eye or passively aggressively fuck with you. It’s become not a case of should I tip you but how much I should tip you so that it is enough that you will continue to provide me with good service. It is really irritating and unfair. Tipping really adds up, and as one blogger mentioned, the tipping you give to random service people who perform the duties they should be performing anyway will sometimes exceed the budget for the gifts that you get for your own family and friends. How sad is this? This is why I really enjoy when I travel abroad to Asia or even Europe where tipping is not such a big deal as it is here in the US. You round up the bill to the nearest dollar (or whatever currency it is) or the tip is built into the bill itself so you know exactly what you will be paying, and the tip is shared amongst all of the staff. In some foreign places, tipping is even discouraged or not allowed, because it is presumed that if it is allowed, richer people will be able to bribe their way into better service at the expense of the less well-off patrons. This would be much more flagrantly felt in a materialistic country like China. Here in the US, it is socially unacceptable to discriminate on the basis of tips but nevertheless it is felt in every underhanded action that you will have to suffer for the rest of the new year if you do not cough up some money during holiday season.

So my dilemma is that I just moved into this new apartment in the beginning of November. Should I tip the amount expected of someone who has been in the building the whole year? Should I tip the surly doorman who saw me struggle with my unloaded furniture outside of the front door and didn’t lift a finger to help? Should I tip the super who I never even see? I haven’t lived in the building so long that I know who is nice and who is not, not to mention that I haven’t even formed a relationship with any of these people. There is one or two that have helped me with one thing or another, so I will tip them, but how much is enough? And if I give more to one than the other, will they exchange information amongst one another? I’ve seen numbers anywhere from $20 to $80 per doorman and that is a pretty wide range. The super is usually $100. It really is like extortion: pay up like everyone else, or face the consequences. Your mail might mysteriously disappear. Your dry cleaning would never be picked up. Your friends might be denied at the door. Your door won’t be opened for you (a minor consequence, but done on a daily basis, grates on your nerves like no other).

I understand that service people receive a large portion of their salary from tips, or so I thought. It’s widely known that staff in restaurants and bartenders get most of their income from tips, so I tip the standard 15%-20%, fine. I thought the same of doormen. But noooooooo. They get paid the equivalent or more of what a college graduate makes. Yup, you can quote me on that. Outrageous isn’t it, when all they do is sit at the desk, sign for packages, announce visitors and perform odds and ends requests. Comfortable job in this economy, ain’t it? I’m not degrading anyone’s job, but seriously they are being paid very well for what they do (and all of this is coming from the higher and higher maintenance fees that we are paying for each month) and tipping or not, they should do a flawless job. Most of them do. Some of them don’t – and still expect a tip? PUH-LEEZE.

Revisiting 2009

2009-12-18T12:08:00.000-05:00

Sorry, I haven’t updated for so long!

My mom made a comment a week ago that December always seems to be such a hectic month. I could not agree with her more. Time is a man-made concept but during the last month of the year, we have to contend with many holidays, shopping, traveling and celebrating, not to mention having to do all of this amidst the snow and the bitter cold. The end of a year is a time for self-reflection too as we summarize what we have done for the past year and hope for better and brighter times to come.

I had many goals for this year, some were accomplished and others were aborted or defeated.

- I did not run a marathon and raise money for LLS, even though I put my all into it for a few short weeks, due to an old injury that flared up and still bothering me now.
- I did not get a promotion at work, even though I had a great discussion with my manager.
- I did not pass my GMAT with flying colors, although I did put in a lot of effort and did manage to take it and do okay. (Once more, with feeling, coming up before the end of the year).

However, what I did accomplish was to move out of my house into a great apartment and decorate to my heart’s content. I’m having my housewarming this Saturday and trying not to have too high of an expectation that everyone will come and love it and enjoy the great foods and wine that I’ve painstakingly prepared. I just want everything to be perfect, every detail attended to and everyone’s wishes satisfied. I’m such a hostess and a planner at heart and sometimes I just need to take a deep breath and remind myself of what is important: relationships, conversation, and laughter. It’s hard, but I always have to set my expectations low since mine are naturally higher than everyone else’s when it comes to certain things.

Another thing I’ve said I will do this year is travel. A lot. And boy, did I ever! I had the most marvelous adventures in Spain and Morocco with MC and EL this March, then later Spain and Netherlands with WL. In July I took my parents on a whirlwind train-ride trip through Bavaria, Germany and Austria. Finally in October best bud AA and I made our way to Turkey. I had intended 2009 to be a heavy year of traveling, and it was! It was! I love making lists so here goes:

2005: Singapore, Laos, Thailand (Bangkok), Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur), Cambodia, Indonesia (Bali), France (Paris) and England (London)
2006: China, Thailand (Chiang Mai), Vietnam
2007: Italy (Florence, Rome), Peru
2008: China, Puerto Rico
2009: Spain, Netherlands, Morocco, Austria, Germany and Turkey
2010: China, Korea and Iceland?

For 2010, I am really pinpointing either Iceland or Croatia in Europe, or Taiwan/Korea in Asia. I haven’t been back to China for 3 years already and I feel very guilty since I really want to see my grandparents. They aren’t getting any younger. My cousin might get married in May so my mom wants to go back then, but my plan is to go back in October or even later. My orthodontist tells me I might be having my orthognathic surgery in late spring or early summer (target is June), and full recovery takes a few months so I am incapacitated during that time. I’m hoping to do a week of vacation before surgery, then have the summer wide open for the surgery and recovery, and then take the rest of my time off in the fall/winter. That is, if the surgery proceeds as planned and there are no complications.

Two of my 2009 New Year resolutions were to become healthier and to be a kinder person. I think I’ve made progress on both of these. The weight part I’ve gained back, along with my menstrual cycle (this has been a huge concern for two years), but having a healthy mindset, controlling my anxiety attacks and balancing nutritious foods is still an ongoing struggle. Due to my GMAT and moving and vacations and doctor-ordered rest to heal my injured nerves, I’ve put my gym membership on hold for the past few months and haven’t really worked out like I used to. So I have to get back on track with that during the new year, at the same time taking it easy and not overdoing it like I used to.

In the same vein, I think I am much kinder to people, especially strangers. In the past, I used to be SO easily irritable and grumpy and angry and snippy. Every little thing someone did would piss me off, and I was afraid that I was becoming this awful bitter old person. I might not show it so much, but if someone blocks my way while walking towards me or takes too long to get out of the elevator or gets my Starbucks order wrong, my insides would boil over with annoyance and bitterness. It’s completely evil. Looking back on it now, I think it was mostly hormone driven. Ever since I got my cycle straight again in January, all of those feelings were gone without a trace. For more than 2 years, I was stuck with those feelings – menopausal feelings. Sure, I still get annoyed, but the situation would justify that annoyance. I also have to credit the good graces of my friends who show me a good example by being so polite and nice to everyone. This has been a HUGE improvement in my life and I know it sounds trivial but being able to think the best of strangers and saying more thank you’s and smiling more and being more patient with people – that is such a relief, to not carry all of that bitterness with you day to day.

New Year resolutions for 2010? I have several – and will post when I’m ready to share.

In other news, I’m flat out broke from spending soooo much money on rent and the apartment recently, plus I got some monstrous medical bills and GMAT exam fees and prep, and to top it off my braces. Also, my traveling sucked maybe 6 grand. Next year will be an even worse year with my surgery expenses and a full year of rent. I’ve barely bought anything for myself lately, and not planning to give/get any Xmas gifts. Thank God I have a job.

Peeping

2009-11-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving passed in a blur. It’s shocking how quickly my mind switches from priority to priority. After the madness of GMAT preparation that consumed me for weeks, after a disastrous testing day which left me sad with regret, I threw it all behind me and haven’t thought about it for days. I did okay (nothing to be proud of, but nothing that will keep me out of the best b-schools), but I know my abilities far surpass my score – I was too proud, and under-estimated the exam. I KNOW I can do it, and I know now that the math is nothing to be scared of, and that I need to focus on the verbal portion as sharply as I do the math. I debated agonizingly over whether to re-take it, the pros versus cons (spending $250 and risking going insane for real this time versus getting a chance to screw this exam hard), and realize that if I don’t do this for myself, I will never be able to put it behind me. I need to prove to myself that I can do this. The only question is – before New Year’s or after? I am thinking of scheduling for the last week of the year, after Christmas. This time, I will try to be more relaxed about it, at the same time knowing what to expect. It will be hard to get back into stride after taking the holiday weekend real easy and getting lured back into the guilty pleasures of, uh, life, but discipline is ALL. I have so little of it…

I finally had guests over my new home on Friday. It was oh-so-wonderful to have people other than my parents see all of the hard work and decoration that has been going on the past month. I tried so hard to restrain myself from inviting people over until everything is perfectly in order but since EL asked, I had to say yes. I now truly understand why people have housewarmings. It gives a certain life to the place because now you can imagine other people inhabiting the place. I’m also very interested in seeing what people have to comment on, as well as where they choose to sit, eat, etc. I have a certain idea about an object’s purpose and beauty, but others might have entirely different perspectives. Friday night was supposed to be an impromptu very last minute thrown together birthday party for both EL and my birthdays in October, but I only found out about the time and place for my ‘birthday party’ the night before. Anyway, we all went to Toto Karaoke in K-Town and it was so much fun, then went to this random Irish bar where I tried my first ‘Wild Turkey’ – OMG. This is like, undistilled alcohol. This Polish guy ordered it so I was like, I’ll have what he’s having cause I couldn’t decide. I had half the shot (it burned!!!) and HC finished it for me haha. Thank God. I had like 3 shots, beer and an amaretto sour in an evening, after not drinking for months. Then in the middle of the blustery cold night people went piggyback racing – yes, we became one of those rowdy people on the street at 2AM in the morning making a ruckus. Then EL and I were given birthday flowers!!! We eventually ended up at Mercury Lounge where we all danced and had a merry evening. HC and EL slept over and they finished all of my kettle popcorn >_< and finally we all went to bed at 5AM. So this was my first birthday celebration in November, ever! Haha. I love everyone treating me to karaoke and all the drinks 

Saturday morning – got my painting from Housing Works, brunch @ Sunflower Diner and parents dropping off more stuff at the apartment. I forgot to mention that on Black Friday I went crazy with the shopping. I spent over a grand I think. I got a laptop, a blu-ray disc player, and Donna Karan bedding which cost me a fortune, and a whole slew of household items from Bed Bath & Beyond. I was so exhausted on Friday, I had no idea how I found the energy to go out that night. Anyway, on Sunday I just thoroughly organized and cleaned the kitchen and bathroom and I cannot love my new Swiffer Sweeper more than I already do. I love you, Swiffer. How did I manage with you?

Sunday I spent most of my day at Borders setting up my new laptop and adding a ton of new music on my mp3. Leona Lewis new CD – yes!!! More random Indian and ancient Chinese music, and some beautiful Chopin and Bach. I also went food shopping and wine shopping and lost my wallet at Trader Joe’s. Yes, I did not realize this fact until late at night, then spent 2 hours on the phone with inept credit card companies trying to cancel everything. I had all the cards in that wallet – including my learner’s permit, ATM card, credit cards and money I just took out of the ATM! Ugh. Then this morning I called Trader Joe’s just to double check they didn’t somehow miraculously find it – and guess what – it’s my lucky day because THEY HAD IT!!!!! I’ve cancelled all my cards already, but this is still a miracle. There is goodness in this world still.

I also need to sell a whole bunch of stuff on Craigslist. I posted some stuff but just realized how annoying it is to sell things. It also looks like because of the volume of the stuff out there it’ll be hard to get things off my hands unless it’s ridiculously cheap or free. So now I have to basically go to Borders every single day after work to go on the Internet – I have so much random stuff to do that need an Internet connection!! No more smooching off of upstairs because people got smart and made everything secure. I need to get cable and internet ASAP. My new laptop is awesome but I need Windows 7 upgrade.

I know what I want, but I’m so scared to go after it. Why????? Sometimes I just want to slap myself silly. A new apartment doesn’t mean I get to become the person I want to become in my mind. Sometimes I just want to shake my head in exasperation and ask, is it me, or is it you? I wish I understood you better.

D-Day

2009-11-24T10:49:00.001-05:00

My GMAT is tomorrow. For better or for worse, it is tomorrow.

I have NEVER before in my life been in such bad shape before an official exam. I feel physically ill, and my heart has been pounding and racing at night, making me unable to sleep. I would be so tired and ready to drift off, but would be jerked wide awake again from a wash of adrenaline crashing over me, making my palms wet and my heart pound so fast I think it’s going to come out of my chest or just stop from exhaustion. I’ve lived like a madwoman the past few days. I am not nervous in the sense of me being nervous before a presentation, but the anxiety build-up has been gradual and slow. Like a built-up poison. This test has buried itself in my psyche this entire year, and now that the day has finally come upon me, I am facing a serious grand failure scenario.

Sometimes I feel ready for the test. But at other times I feel like I’m just to panic and blank out on the math section and get an abysmally low score like 500. The verbal is really difficult to get a high score in, but for some reason I am not worried about it. I’ve always felt comfortable dealing with words, and I love words. They are my friends. But numbers – they scare the hell outta me. GMAT is not a test of facts or knowledge, but a test of logic and reason. It tests how well you think. Even on the math portion, the formulas and the knowledge of algebra and arithmetic is very basic, but you have to bend and twist and loop your mind around the question in many creative ways to find the right solution. It’s not as simple as plugging in a few numbers, and solving a few equations. You really have to thoroughly become BEST FRIENDS with numbers, primes, factors, multiples, averages and ratios and see how they are inter-related. You have to see the world in terms of numbers. You have to think in the abstract very well, and most importantly, you have to be FAST and accurate at the same time. The time constraint is I think what will totally kill me. I think the math portion will just devastate me.

All of these thinking skills need a quick, fresh brain. One of which I do not have right now. This morning I missed my floor while riding the elevator TWICE. In all this time I’ve been at CS, I’ve never missed my floor even once. I’ve been a total wreck, emotionally, physically (always on the edge of feeling I’m going to succumb to a flu), and mentally. I’ve been running on few hours of sleep and am extremely frazzled and feel disconnected from everyone and everything. Tonight I will have to medicate myself so I can get in some serious quality sleep, and just pray, hard, that I will have a good night before the big 8AM testing day tomorrow. I will eat a good lunch today, leave work promptly at 5PM, go home and do some last minute brush-ups with formulas and such, eat a high-protein dinner, take all of the vitamins/medication I need and go to bed promptly at 10-11PM. Oh dear God. Let’s just hope I survive this one.

Hazards of Furniture Shopping

2009-11-18T11:27:00.001-05:00

The uproar at work has just quieted down. I’ve endured yet another busy close, and the worst is yet to come. In a way, it is good that things have been and are constantly changing around here; in more than a year at my current job, we’ve lost a person to the economic downturn, another person has transferred groups and the last person remaining in the group besides me is going on maternity leave very soon. So that just leaves…me. Will they hire anyone new? Will I have to do an originally 4 person job by myself? I am expected to seek new opportunities next year, and I imagine that next year there will be even more dramatic things in the landscape at work, as well as in my own professional path. It is good that things continue to challenge me, so that even while the work itself remains virtually the same with little tweaks and issues every month, the structure of the workplace remains liquid. At the same time though, in these uncertain times, it is always a struggle to keep proving yourself, to stay out of trouble and workplace fights and do a good job even while under so much pressure. But like I said to a friend, a girl’s gots to get paid. Amen to that.

I gotta get paid because I have grad school on the horizon, yes, but also because I’ve been spending like a madwoman. I just got a $576 dollar bill from the ER for an allergic reaction emergency I had last summer. I had no insurance back then, so I’m paying everything outta pocket. I hope they had forgotten about that bill, but let me tell you, the hospital might look unorganized but they WILL BILL YOU, as surely as there are death and taxes.

Anyway, I’m still hopelessly addicted to purchasing furniture for my little studio, and it’s growing a little out of control. But please don’t tell. My problem is that I like certain pieces on their own, but trying to fit my eclectic tastes in one room and having them all fit stylistically is a problem. For example, I recently purchased a gorgeous marble-top end table with elaborate curving metal legs that I *thought* would fit well with my renaissance style couch. The table looks beautiful on its own, but next to the couch, it just looks…wrong. So I moved it next to the bed, which looks a bit better. But I’m still not completely satisfied with it. There are certain items that I buy that I immediately LOVE when I place it in the room, and certain items that I am considering re-selling in the marketplace (craigslist, etc.) in the future, when I find that *perfect* piece. I am a perfectionist and I will not settle for complete and utter beauty and harmony in my room.

The things I love are: my bookcase, couch, bed, mattress, writing table, little lamp, track lights, chandelier hanging lamp and gold ballroom chair.
Things I am not so in love with are (they are beautiful on their own, but just don’t feel ‘right’ in the room): dresser, coffee table, marble end table, wood desk.

Another thing I’ve become recently addicted to is Housing Works auction online. I’ve just won an auction for an abalone inlaid Korean-made chair for $105 yesterday!!! Actually I also bought my dresser from Housing Works last weekend when they had a 25% off sale in their Chelsea flagship store. Housing Works is so massively addictive, but so are the other antique/thrift shops in Chelsea. I could just sit there and browse for hours and hours…and end up buying furniture that I don’t need and overcrowd my apartment. So maybe it’s not so great, but oh dear God, I just love these little unique antique-looking things. I got an Anthropologie sweater for $6 at the Tribeca store last weekend in their early bird sale. They’ve got such AMAZING things it’s unbelievable, and the prices are just jaw-dropping sometimes, it takes physical restraint to stop myself from furiously snapping up all the pieces I like. I also bought TONS OF STUFF from this store called The Door Store, right next to West Elm. They had this clearance sale that basically took 60% - 75% off of all furniture and accessories, and I got a chair, a small sofa, and a stunningly dazzling wall mirror. I have high hopes that the mirror will look amazing against my royal purple wall up over my couch. I also bought many décor items like candleholders, a giant Mayan-style round mounted metal plate, a ceramic jar and a huge fake potted flower. The potted flower was originally $179.99. How much did I get it for? $30. I made a *deal* with the salesman – wink, wink.

Now you ask, how could I possibly fit all the stuff I mentioned above in my studio? When did I have time to buy all of this and carry it home? (considering my GMAT is next Wednesday and I am supposed to be holed up studying?) Where do I have the money now with my hospital bills and paying rent? These questions, I’ve been asking myself also. My only response is...I HAVE to go to Bed Bath and Beyond to buy much-needed bathroom fixtures and cleaning agents and garbage cans and I’m going to meet up with Craigslist seller to purchase a three-tier table today. I cannot be stopped.

Craigslist Crack much?

2009-11-09T00:10:00.006-05:00

Where to start?

First of all, the bhangra/Arabian/Leona Lewis music I've been running on my new wireless speakers tirelessly the past few days (and which I am listening to right now) are FREAKINGLYAWESOME.

Second of all, I'm thoroughly, unabashedly and hopelessly addicted to this thing called Craigslist furniture. I did not know how deep the addiction was until I literally felt euphoria rush through my veins when I opened up the Craigslist furniture for sale page during a break at work and stared at the multiple blue links listing items such as "must go - moving sale today!" and "MY GRANDMOTHER'S ANTIQUE COFFEE TABLE." All of a sudden, my body relaxed and my jitteryness all day calmed - just like someone who took a puff of their cigarette after (unsuccessfully) abstaining for a few days. I'm not even kidding.

Third of all, I have to admit - I've been hiding. Not that I've ever been a social butterfly, but I've been deliberately avoiding all unnecessary distractions the past two weeks. I was so disoriented after coming back from Turkey. Then, the move happened. My move to my new apartment in the city, Gramercy, 10 minutes walking distance from work, thank you very much.

I LOVE MY NEW HOMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This has been my baby project for the 10 days. Every day, about 90% of my thoughts are directed towards the moving-in, designing and decoration of my studio. Hence, the Craigslist addiction, an intended effect of moving into a new, empty apartment. I'm happy to report that after planning to buy almost everything at IKEA pre-Turkey, it looks like nothing in my room will be from IKEA. I bought my bed frame from a furniture dealer on Canal and Broadway, my super comfy mattress from Sleepy's (after a lengthy negotiation process), and my various vintage pieces from dealers on Craigslist. The past week I've called, emailed, texted a gazillion people and contacted movers and took long lunch breaks from work to arrange for delivery, meet with prospective sellers, shopping for tools at Home Depot and trekking to Container Store after work every single freaking day.

I bought electrical drills, drill bits, hammers, screwdrivers, and various hooks and wires from the hardware store. I've befriended various grungy looking guys who showed me how to work the drills and how to screw hooks. I learned that my ceiling is concrete and my walls are sheetrock and how to properly handle the two. I've put together a giant shoe rack and nailed it on the back of my door, an exercise that spanned two days and involved me cursing and dropping hammer on my toe, but operation is now complete! Can you believe it? Me, handle a drill?? Clumsy, uncoordinated, scaredy-cat me? I've been SO DAMN PROUD of myself for taking the plunge and doing all of the above with no help from anyone. Just myself. I wanted to prove to myself and to the powers-that-be (my mom and dad) that there is no need to baby me, that I can handle things on my own. I need to. I am 25 years old and I am just starting to realize how they have sheltered me from so much. Unlike some of my friends who moved across the country or even across the world to live on their own since or even before college, I've had the luxury of turning to family nearby for whatever problems that came my way, be it in fixing an air conditioner to going to the emergency room. I remember the terror and confusion I felt upon first going abroad to Singapore, but in a mere 4 months I toughened up. I could do it. I just need to exercise this muscle more often, and if I had to stay near my parents, even if it is in another living space, I just need to make it clear that I can deal with most issues that come my way by myself.

With that said, I can tell you the history every single thing that now resides in my room. Who, what, when, why and how I bought the damn thing. I bought a giant real-wood buffet table from a girl living a block down from me, a vintage 1950's white writing desk from a businesswoman living in midtown west who got it from a Chelsea dealer herself 4 years ago, a solid 4 shelf bookcase from a couple in Staten Island, a beechwood glass-top coffeetable from a student, a 100% hand embroidered wool rug from India from an Asian girl living in Soho who got it herself from a loft sale, and my most proud and beloved purchase, possibly of ALL TIME: my vintage white and gold couch, reminiscent of 18th century French furniture. It is beautiful beyond words. Curvaceous, elegant, roomy and very plush, it is the couch of my dreams, and it's mine after a very long and difficult process in procuring it. But it was all worth it - oh so worth it!!!

My room still needs tons of decoration and lighting to liven it up, but right now all the furniture is mostly complete for a dresser and possibly a table for the entryway. I still have to lot to do in terms of electrical wiring for my ambitious lighting projects, but because the drilling is a little dangerous and it is hard for me to reach the ceiling, I am saving that for a good day. My expenses have been piling up - this is not a cheap move by any means - and on top of that I have to pay rent to my parents. But to have a little nest to myself that is stamped with me, with my style and dreams and desires and loving care, is precious beyond anything.

I am so grateful for my new life, and for the family who has provided this for me. Now that the furious flurry of moving-in activity has mostly concluded last week, hopefully in the next two and half weeks, I can fully direct my much-needed attention to my GMAT preparation. My test is only two Wednesdays away, and sometimes I catch myself hyperventilating a little at how under-prepared I am. My love for decoration and furniture shopping for my new home is fighting with my discipline for study. The two are at war for my attention and energy and TIME, and it sometimes is physically impossible to drag me away from Craigslist and decoration websites. Sometimes I also find myself standing at the doorway of my room, lost in thought at how I can place my paintings and mirrors and just enjoying the absolute peace of my sanctuary, for 20 minutes or more...do I sound completely crazy yet?

But I still don't feel like this is my home yet, not until I have organized every last of my possessions, determined what decorations to put on my empty walls and turned on my frig, for goodness sake. I think the day when I put my hands on my hips in the middle of my kitchens and worry about what to cook for dinner is the day when I will have fully settled in. This probably will not happen for another month or so, or at least my GMAT is done. It's nice to have such an absorbing project in my life, but it's also very exhausting, and I am sick with a cold right now, which also limits my activities. This past week has been crazy, I feel like it's been months since I was on vacation (instead of just two weeks), and I miss a lot of my friends. I hope they haven't forgotten me!!!!! I feel bad I've been hiding, but there is just no way I could've done so many things that I needed to do without some sacrifices. The work is not done by far, but at least I have a bed to sleep on (I've been sleeping on the floor for five nights). I also love how my room is full of unique pieces that I collected from my travels, including things from Vietnam and Morocco and Turkey and Peru. My new aquamarine bedcovers I got from my last-minute shopping dash in Turkey is now covering my massive bed majestically. It is stunningly rich in color. Oh gosh there is so much more I can write about my new apartment but I'll come to a stop here. I have to do my daily Craigslist furniture for sale hit before hitting my new bed. (I told you, I'm hopeless!!!) Until next time, kids.

Turkey!

2009-10-27T17:49:00.002-04:00

If there is one thing I love about traveling it is that every journey is a new experience. It is different every time, full of hazards and delights at every turn. My trip to Turkey was perhaps the most exhausting trip I’ve been on in recent memory. Bff AA came with me and her sleeping and travel habits differed so drastically from mine that I felt out of sync most of the time. The jet lag was harsh and the constant traveling (we did not stay in one hotel for more than one night for 7 nights) meant we had to adjust to new surroundings and be on constant alert for packing and boarding.

So yes Turkey was a challenge, and even now after being back for almost 2 days I feel like the world tilts and I am in this limbo zone somewhere, but definitely not quite here yet. I’m back in New York physically but mentally I’m not fully collected. But overall despite all of the stresses, Turkey blew me away. We arrived in Istanbul and at first the city completely disappointed because I was expecting something much more exotic, like Fez in Morocco, but it was just a bustling semi-modern city. But then we came back to Istanbul for two more nights at the end of the trip and I fell in love. Istanbul is more than just the infamous mosques and Aya Sofya, it is a wise city that has deep and old roots. There is history and culture in every spoken word, every street corner and every nook and cranny hidden all over the city. Istanbul is massive. We stayed in the old quarters but there are treasures everywhere that we have not even touched. I had the fortune of having enough time to venture out to the Asian side of Istanbul in this district called Beyoglu on a Saturday morning. It was tranquil, as lovely as a French or Roman promenade, with backstreets that intrigued you with antiques, colorful walls and markets. What is the fusion of Europe and Asia? This is it.

Ever since I read about Istanbul (or Constantinople as they used to call it in Byzantine times) in Social Studies class in high school, I had wanted to visit. This city used to be the center of the world, a midpoint between the eastern and western Roman empires, a crossroads of the ancient Greek and Roman and other Mediterranean cultures with a bit of the Middle East flavor thrown in by the Ottoman Turks. The history of the city is simply fascinating. Before coming to Turkey, I expected it to be more Middle Eastern than anything since it is a Muslim (albeit secular) nation, but actually it was surprisingly European in feel. The people were olive-skinned, some a bit tanned from the perpetual sunshine, and reminded me of Eastern Europeans like the Serbs. The call to prayer five times a day never fails to thrill me and there were wondrous mosques everywhere you look, but it wasn’t an overtly religious country. If I had never come and seen for myself, I would’ve still thought Turkey resembled Morocco when in fact it is like nowhere I’ve ever been to. Not Asia, not Europe, not Africa, but all mixed in one like potpourri.

There were 15 people on this GAP tour and there were 13 girls and 2 guys. One guy was married to the woman on the trip. A bunch of girls came alone and by the end of the trip we were all pretty friendly with each other. Great group of people with a few strong personalities – nothing to complain about there. Our guide Derya is AMAZING. From Istanbul we traveled to Gallipolli, Canakkale (Troy), Selcuk (Ephesus), Ayvalik, Pergamon, and Pamukkale/Hierapolis. We saw tons of ancient Greek and Roman ruins, ate some fantastic Turkish food heavy on spices and lamb and chicken kebabs and enjoyed the beautiful 70-75 degree weather with sunshine every single day for 8 days.

Highlights:

1. Troy – saw the Trojan horse that was used on the movie set of “Troy.”

2. Private 3 hour boat cruise around Aegean Sea and felt like a celebrity laying on the yacht and sunbathing. Highlight of the trip for many.

3. Ayvalik – the extremely picturesque Greek fishing town that made me feel like I was literally in Greece. We were so close too…only an hour away by boat.

4. The various Roman and Greek theaters that we saw. The most impressive one is hands down the Greek theater carved into the steep hillside at Pergamon. Vertigo-inducing views of the mountains below, this theater is freaking out of this world steal your breath away kind of structure that you have to see to believe. MY personal highlight of the trip.

5. I sang Row Row Row Your Boat on the stage of the Roman theater at the Ephesus ruins. Impromptu. In front of the entire 22,000 seating theater. The Roman theater apparently has great acoustics so that if you drop a coin on stage the person in the nosebleed section up high could hear it. Our tour guide asked if anyone wanted to volunteer and I did without thinking that hundreds of eyes would all be trained on me once I opened my mouth and did a squeaky version of the children’s song. But to have the opportunity to sing in a Roman theater to test out the natural ‘sound system’? Priceless. Worth the embarrassment.

6. Walking barefoot for an hour on the travertines (carbonate minerals left behind by flowing waters for millions of years) in a white wonderland kind of landscape that was completely surreal. Think Arctic glacier. Then think hot blazing sun shining down on this massive white landscape. My feet were hurting from the pebbles and sharp edges but it felt completely awesome to do this once-in-a-lifetime kind of thing.

7. Almost losing my camera. If I had lost it again (like I did on my last GAP tour in Peru) I would have DIED of frustration and sadness. I left my camera in the Roman theater at the Hierapolis ruin and 20 minutes later remembered. Then I had to run up the huge hill all the way to find it, panicked and almost in tears. By that point, I had scrambled across the ruins and baked in the sun dehydrated and starving for like 5 hours, and was literally about to collapse any second. Then this camera business came up and even though THANK GOD the camera was hidden away in a non-touristy area that prevented it from being taken, I was lost up on this mountain. I did not know how to get out and there was nowhere to eat or drink. I was at the end of my rope – but I experienced possibly the most uplifting thing that has happened to me in a very long time: I was rescued by a tour bus of Turkish women who clucked over me like mother hens and gave me tons of food and water and welcomed me onto their bus to take me back to town. Their kindness and generosity that they showed me – a dusty exhausted girl walking alone who they can clearly see is delirious from the sun – came at my neediest hour and really touched me. I was so grateful, so very grateful. If they had not swooped me up and taken care of me, I would not know what would’ve happened to me. So I have to remember to pay it forward. They might not have thought that they did much, but to me they did me a favor that money could not buy.

8. Shopping and haggling everywhere, half of it using all of the Turkish vocabulary I learned. I bought tons of goodies that I can hardly wait to use and decorate. I also bought an expensive silver and turquoise bracelet and beautiful satiny deep blue embroidered bedsheets with matching pillowcases and cushion covers. I was shopping literally at the very last minute before I was to leave for the airport.

9. Eating grilled fish in Ayvalik and loving it. The fish (sea bass or sea bream) were grilled whole and tasted so fresh because they just came from the sea. I even fed the little fishes with bread!

10. Luxuriating at a Turkish bath at Cemberlitas historical bath. Built in the 1500’s, this hammam is as exotic and gorgeous as they make it. AA and I did this on our first night in Istanbul. We stripped down and bathed ourselves with water from the basins and then laid on sheets on the hot raised round marble under the domed ceiling. It was like a giant sauna with the works. Wonderfully rejuvenating and an experience I won’t soon forget. I did a hammam in Morocco but this was the real deal.

I want to go back and see Cappadoccia. I know it’s crazy but I am already looking forward to my next trip. There is never enough to learn and to love.

Payoffs of Taking Chances

2009-10-11T12:13:00.004-04:00

I've been PMS'ing for the past week, in one of the busiest times of the year at work. Mental stress is the worst! You feel like after hours of sitting at your desk, frowning at the numbers and the analysis and having to sort through all kinds of issues, that you just can't.take.it.any.more! But then you can't get out of your head. You feel like you're going to explode, or just go crazy, or stare off into space forever. Or all three at the same time.

That's how I felt after leaving work on Friday, my birthday, to meet up with parents and cousin for dinner at Grand Sichuan House in Brooklyn. But, family pulls through for me. I ranted, I dissed, I complained and I gestured wildly, and I vented it all out, and after a spicy-ass huge banquet of fish, duck, lamb and noodles, I felt loads better. Then, of course, the old family drama over anything apartment-related comes back out when we went to Sleepy's and tried to decide on a mattress. Re: previous entry.

Saturday morning, it blew up. But somehow, it was contained, just barely. I walked out of the house upset and frustrated, to go to my ortho. After another painful ortho adjustment, I had to hurry to my first 'board meeting' for the 1City Youth Project. It was in a 'black' neighborhood in Brooklyn, which I've never ventured into before. When my parents first heard of it, they were like whoaaa be careful! I hesitated many, many times. I was tired, hungry and just not in the mood to participate in any 'board meeting' with people I don't know and about something I haven't thought about in a long time. This 1 City Youth Project is a 20 year old nonprofit organization that needs more corporate board members to help revitalize the program and do more outreach and fundraising to help school kids with after-school programs. I was really interested and applied to be on the board and was accepted by this great woman who singlehandedly started this organization called Doc. However, this was a month or more ago. I have tons of stuff on my plate lately and really not sure if I can take more.

So I struggled inwardly with every step I took after getting out of the subway at Utica Avenue in Brooklyn. Everyone around me was black. I wasn't scared (it was 2PM!) but I did feel out of place. Who are the other board members? Will I be the only non-Black person? Will they look at me funny? Will I feel uncomfortable and excluded and even laughed at behind my back? What did I have to do anyway?? I knew next to nothing about this operation. Several times I actually turned back, then turned around again. "I'm here already, just go ahead and DO IT!" I was also very lost and had to ask for directions. Ahh, indecisions. Finally, I found it and was (mistakenly? purposely?) misdirected by the guy at the front door TWICE and finally found the right room. There were four people sitting inside, quietly discussing something. I walked in and Doc looked up with a big smile and said: "Hi Vanessa, how are you? Happy belated birthday!" My whole body just relaxed and I knew, I just KNEW, that this would turn out right. And it did.

She filled me in and I introduced myself and the other people introduced themselves. Yes, they were all black, but it wasn't an intimidating panel of people or anything. I don't know anything besides what they do for the organization and their names, and they are probably not connected to any corporations. Doc, however, is another story. She's not a corporate bigshot but she could've been. She is amazing - well spoken, confident, kind and organized. For someone who started this program 20 years ago and kept it running year after year, this woman has got to be accomplished and resourceful. We ran through a list of fundraising projects for the year and assigned tasks and discussed logistics and ideas. I felt so included and totally comfortable. At one point, a kid came into 'audition' for us his STEP moves, and it was pretty neat. It was the first time I've seen anyone audition live! I felt like a judge on American Idol or something ;P

So in the middle of the meeting the door opens and this Asian guy walks in. I was like what?! I was even feeling kinda special by that time cause I was the only Asian person probably in the entire school, and now I realize they are probably a bit more diverse than I thought. The guy was actually not bad looking, and looked very intellectual with plastic glasses and had tall thin frame. He sounded like he's been working with this 1City Youth for a while now. The rest of the meeting went smoothly and I was assigned to work with Doc on the step competition that comes up in April of next year. They will be having a huge 20th year anniversary celebration next May as a fundraiser, and depending on how they do this year they might continue with the program for next year.

The morale of the story is: I am SOOOOOOO GLAD I decided to be brave and do something different in my life. It's things like this that really allows you to grow and be more adventurous and well-rounded as a person. They say that risk-taking re-rejuvenates and re-routes circuits in your brain and releases serotonin that makes you feel better and happier. That just totally made my day. I came out of that school in a completely different frame of mind and mood than when I entered the school. I went back to the city to finish up some work at CS, and headed out to meet up with EW for SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Omg, this post has to be broken up into two because seeing SNL live (with Drew Barrymore) was just amazing and I have to tell you about it in detail. I totally owe EW for taking me cause I might have never been able to get tickets, ever! So, to be continued.....

Like Father, Unlike Daughter

2009-10-06T11:39:00.000-04:00

I just have to rant a little here. If you know me, you know that my dad is a source of constant frustration, anger, bitterness and general stress in my life. I am so similar to him in terms of temperament, but I am also very different. God knows what would’ve happened if I wasn’t so like him already, if I turned out to be a Goth rebellious teenager who never comes home for dinner and pursues a useless American literature major in college, our home would be like a constant war zone. He should be glad that I am the way that I am. Like him, I am easy to anger/irritate but also easy to calm down and forget the issue. Like him, I am also extremely focused when I need to be, motivated by things we put high value on, highly analytical, opinionated and fascinated by news events that amuse, startle or cause us to think in different ways.

So yes I am much more similar to my dad (I wish I can be more like my mom who is so zen-like) that I would like, but it is just the way it is. But the differences end at some point, and this is a crucial point. I was brought up in this generation, in this country, and influenced by different cultural mediums. I am also a GIRL who loves to look pretty, look at pretty things, buy pretty objects and view the world in a pretty way. I’m exaggerating, but just wanted to make the point here that this is in contrast to him who grew up in the throes of the cultural revolution in China and being a man is highly pragmatic and one of the most ‘basic needs’ person that I know. In the course of his adult life, maybe he has spent like $100 in total on non-essential goods, which includes everything but bills, car, house, gasoline. Even on food he would rather go ravenously hungry than buy anything outside. It’s not that he consciously refuses to. He just doesn’t. Habit, what can you do?

My relationship with my dad has been rocky ever since I was little, but we are close. I think my mom is a major glue that holds us together. He loves me very much, I know that. But he also hurts me and cuts me deep in ways that I think he will never know, even if I articulate it to him. I hate admitting this, but he does influence me. The issue he has with me is that I have dreams – big dreams. Dreams that might never materialize, dreams that might be the visualizations of a naïve young woman, but growing up in this country, we are taught to follow your dreams. We are taught that life is full of possibilities, and to make the most of it, and take risks that you think are deserving. We are taught to honor our innate talents and treat our souls with respect and nourish our minds and most of all, to pursue that elusive thing called happiness, at all costs. I don’t know what kind of values he grew up with, but I’m pretty sure that none of them contain the kind of ‘doctrines’ that I just mentioned above. I’m pretty sure though that survival, that thriftiness, that community and stability are a few of the things that he was taught.

Stability is the key word here. He wants me to lead a conservative and low-risk life, taking baby steps cautiously with prudence guiding my every maneuver in life. He is happy with my accounting major. Accountants get jobs in every kind of economy, don’t they? He is happy with my CPA license, with me living at home the first few years and saving up. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t forced into this major and this job. I liked accounting and I loved PwC and I made the switch to Credit Suisse, all on my own initiative. In the next few years I see my life in the following three ways: move abroad to London, business school and focus on writing career/entrepreneurship. None of these things is garnering his approval. Because my choices so far in life have been more or less in alignment with the choices he would’ve made for me, we have few conflicts about these choices. College and the first few years of employment are typically pretty low-drama because these are the roads that everyone pretty much follows. But the rest of life is an open question – here is where one person can end up a millionaire while another languish in bankruptcy, and all because of some decisions they made in their twenties and thirties.

He wants me to keep working in Credit Suisse, hold onto my job tooth and nail, and slowly climb up. If I insist on an MBA, he would want me to do a part-time MBA, to keep my job and save some money. It’s so frustrating because money drives 99% of his decisions. But what about the quality, and not the quantity, of life’s worth? A full-time MBA is what I want because there are so many qualitative factors that come into it – the ability to be fully engaged in classes, professors and fellow students, living on campus, having an extracurricular life, maybe studying abroad. I feel like I never had that at NYU, and I want to experience it really bad. And maybe doing a full time versus part time MBA might mean finding my soulmate versus being deprived of that experience forever. Who knows? The point is, I will regret it for the rest of my life if I don’t go with my gut. I hurt too over the fact that I will have to leave my job and see my bank account getting emptied out – who doesn’t love money? Who doesn’t love seeing five digit, six digit numbers in their bank accounts all snug and smiley? I weigh the pros and cons and ultimately I go with the pros because I put much weigh on the potential of a full-time MBA that reaches far beyond job and monetary benefits. He only sees one side of the equation: the cost of money. He doesn’t get me at all.

But you know, that is very typical of Asian parents in general. They believe in what they see, feel, touch. Mental illnesses in Asian communities are hidden away and are considered taboos to openly discuss, for example. This shows that they are uncomfortable relating to what goes on between your two ears: the mental, emotional and spiritual parts of a person that are intangible. When I say to my dad: “I know that I have a special purpose in this world and I want to do something meaningful and fulfilling in my life,” all he hears is “I am going to spend/waste all of my time and money going after some doomed-to-fail scheme that will bring me misery, no love and no money for the rest of my life.” I believe in myself I am filled with hope and ideas and whimsical thoughts, but he always seeks to bring me down with a dramatic thud. I am as practical as the next person, but that doesn’t preclude me from having a long-term visions and expressing them. In reality, I am earning a good salary from a good steady job, respectful to my parents, healthy, well-mannered and in all ways normal, but sometimes I think he fears I will one day go wild and get buried in credit card debt and come banging on their doors in the middle of the night crying for help at the age of 35. I think what I really want to say to him is this: Dad, you need to simmer the hell down.

I know I have many failings and faults and I am scared that without my parents’ support perhaps I will ultimately have to give up on many of my dreams and realize that I am thinking/living beyond my means, but if I don’t do, how will I know? If I don’t speak, how will anyone hear what I have to say? I only have one life to live – as I constantly remind both my mom and my dad – and I am determined to live it in a way that honors who I am.

Fantasy Lover?

2009-09-30T12:55:00.001-04:00

I just remembered! Last night I had a vivid, long dream about the one and only, incomparable Jay Chou. I dreamed that I was on a crowded long-distance bus, ready to go somewhere exciting, when I spied Jay through my window. He was in front of a store tending to flowers. He was there on a promotional tour, and only one girl stopped in front of him and asked for his autograph. Nobody seemed to even notice him, and he just calmly attended to the flowers, watering them and organizing the front of the shop. I stared at him, mesmerized, debating whether to go down to speak to him.

Then the bus driver got on the bus and starts shutting the door. I panicked, and in a split second decision, grabbed my duffel bags and fought my way through to the front of the bus and scrambled off. I had to see Jay! This was my one and only opportunity. There was no going back. I was met by his bitchy, Type A manager who asked me what I wanted. I said, I want to have private time with Jay, how much is it going to cost? She quoted me a price. Very expensive, but I did not hesitate and agreed. She said that Jay is very busy and he can have “lunch” with me at 6AM the next morning. I balked and wanted a later time but she quoted a price that was like triple the amount per hour. So I settled at just having him for a few hours in the early morning before his concert at 9AM. I remembered very clearly that I just wanted him. Bad.

Somehow, Jay ended up at my house and met my mom and dad and my cousin, who were all really awkward and did not know how to talk to him. I just stared at him and memorized all of his features and savored every second being close to my idol. He was all that any man could ever be. Sensitive, beautiful, polite and sexy. Alas, I woke up before I got to have lunch with him.

I don’t know what this dream means but lately I’ve been in this weird trance-like super focused and concentrated state in which my mind and emotions are not boggled down by garbage. I’m not bipolar, but I think the way I feel is comparable to the way a person with bipolar disorder feels when she is on medication – if not calm, then at least collected and stable. I read this book “Rapt” which was amazing. I’ve decided I need to pay more attention and focus on the things that matter, not just nominal attention but intense and interested attention. I’ve done a lot of work for the silent auction, wrote my letter to my instructor and did my first writing assignment, did tons of studying, followed through on my chiropractor appointments, regularly exercised, managed my severe pain and inconveniences from orthodontic treatments and managed to not neglect my friends and family. It’s been quite amazing. I love this zen-like zone I’m in where I am not only focused on thinking but also on doing. How long will it last? I’m just loving in and feeling so proud of myself.

I’ve also had some revelations about myself and other people the past week. So much has happened, but it has not interrupted my focus. I realize that this is a thin line between love and hate and that the opposite of love is truly indifference. I also realized that sometimes I do lie to myself, and push away feelings and pretend not to know them.

The Taste of Longing

2009-09-26T09:33:00.004-04:00

Last night AA and I went to dinner at Taj. LG and other girls joined us later on for some booty shaking and girls night out fabulousness. But on the taxi home, I started thinking about the guy I met during dinner and how goofy and slightly quirky he seemed. I struggled not to write him off. Then I thought about TZ and the impression I had of him after first meeting him. DM had introduced us, and I remember being so underwhelmed I did not even remember his name or anything he said. He was average, so-so attractive and not an amazingly charismatic guy in my eyes. But look at what happened later - he had this charm that was not to be revealed until after we had gotten to know each other better. And the more of himself that he shared as he became more familiar with me, the more I fell head over heels. So you can never tell just by a first meeting, right? That's what I'm trying to convince myself.

But thinking about TZ at 2AM in the morning after coming from some highly sexually charged atmosphere that is Taj was a mistake. I barely think about that time anymore, it was so long ago, but when you start thinking about regrets and the could've and should'ves, well, he would be right up there in the top 3. I missed him so much, his lopsided smile, the mischevious glint in his eyes, and his accent. I would give so much in that instant just to see if he is all that I remembered him to be, just to feel again, to know that the capacity for love has not died within me. I love too few and far in between. I hold myself back too much, but when I give it is all. Memories are slippery, and embellished oftentimes, and I just wish so much to know what is real and what is not. I want to stop comparing every Asian guy I meet to him, to search in someone what he has, and dismiss someone if I can't find it. Who is he to torment me? My longing is palpable, and so real I have to close my eyes to compose myself lest I start shaking or jump mad out of the cab. He is married. I would in all likelihood never see him again, and even if I did, it would be painful to hold back. What I have left, is mere ashes.

Wings and Doubts

2009-09-21T15:26:00.000-04:00

So much drama.

I guess this is the price I have to pay for a great weekend. Studied like a good girl on Saturday, played on Sunday.

Now, come Monday, my head is hurting and my conscience in raw agony and I feel like nothing I do is right. What part of my psyche is my parent’s? What part is purely mine? When they object to me doing something, and when I follow what they say, are they limiting who I am? When have I really had the courage to break free from what they want me to do and trust in my own instincts and go for it? I would say, rarely.

Mom is good for things like: when it’s cold outside and I insist on wearing a miniskirt because “I’ll be indoors most of the time” and when she adamantly believes that I’ll freeze my butt off and get sick, she is 99% right. When she told me to stop eating so much fried foods in high school because I’ll get fat, or when she told me to eat more fats and exercise less when I wasn’t getting my period, she was 100% right. Those are the times I tested their edicts, and lost. But they weren’t too crazy either about my Singapore study abroad experience – and what a trip that turned out to be. They fret and worry when I didn’t seem to spend much time on studying CPA, but I passed all four parts on my first try. Did I pass because part of their nagging got to me and I subconsciously studied more? If they had not nagged, would I have not done so well? I guess we’ll see when I take the GMAT – because they have been minimally annoying in getting me to study. It’s all been my own discipline and guilt mostly propelling me forward.

I haven’t really tested their objections much, and whenever I do, they still act the anxious parents and aim to ‘cushion’ whatever hard blows that come to me because of my taking that chance. So in the end, my efforts to create my own identity and their efforts to mold me into the perfect young lady they have in mind all intersect and it’s hard to tell the cause-and-effect of certain consequences. Sometimes they interfere with my life to ‘help’ me and that help comes with caches – to receive this benefit, I must be expected to do A, and B, and C. If not, they have leverage over me. I would tell them that I do not need this help and even if they withdrew their support out of anger, they would eventually still succumb to caring about me and helping me because, after all, I am their only baby daughter. Of course, I also do not wish to see them in pain over my behavior so I would want to reconcile as well. But this constant back and forth will drag on, I suspect, until my thirties when they can finally let me go and not feel the need to restrict and hold me back and ‘protect’ me, when in fact, I am ready to create my own life.

It’s annoying. But I still care deeply about their opinions and that’s just not going to change. What they’re bred into me, exists in me, and blends with all of the other pressures and influences I’ve had in my life. But sometimes, please, I just need to spread my wings and make my own decisions without a dark shadow of parental disapproval hanging over me. I know all kids go through this at some point in their lives, but I’m especially sensitive to it because I’m so close with my parents. I don’t want to disappoint them, and I’m afraid of them proving to be right in the end, but at the same time I want to test my own mettle and learn from my own decisions, whether the consequences are good or bad.

I just wrote a very difficult letter to one of my friends. Hope everything works out.

Work Bitch

2009-09-18T12:09:00.001-04:00

You know what reinforces my bad behavior? I’m embarrassed to say sometimes it borders on rude. Let’s just hope it doesn’t translate too much into the other spheres of my life. But let’s analyze…

People treat me with more respect when I am cold business-like, when I don’t say “please,” when I talk briskly and directly, when I demand rather than ask and when I smile without showing teeth. It’s counterintuitive but this is what I have come to find after 3 years in the working field. I’m not saying “all” people respond this way, just “many,” but many is already enough to convince me that making a special effort to be a sweet, gentle and polite young lady at work is just not going to get me the kind of attention that I want.

Of course, this could also be just how I perceive situations, whether they are in reality true or not. After getting fed up with the unreturned messages and take-me-for-granted attitudes, I would turn the tables and transform myself into a mean lean machine. Maybe it’s the fact that I just don’t give a damn anymore. But more work gets done, people respond to me faster and I’m a lot more efficient. Is this a direct cause-and-effect relationship? I don’t know. But what I do know is that, for me at least, to cut down on the emotional clutter and constant fear of judgment from your peers and your boss and your boss’s boss, just throw all of that aside and cut down to the basics. I won’t be making any friends at work, but at least people will know I mean business.

New Wardrobe

2009-09-14T17:36:00.000-04:00

Once you start shopping, you can’t stop. I used to be able to walk past storefronts without a second glance at the windows, I had zero interest in fashion and clothing and had no desire to spend money on anything really. That was this summer. This fall, I know I cannot avoid shopping because I need fall winter clothing. Since gaining weight, a lot of the clothes I had last year don’t fit me so well anymore.

With some apprehension but also a bit of curiosity, I jaunted off to Woodbury Labor Day weekend with EL and her lovely mother. It took me a while to warm up to browsing racks and appraising certain pieces with critical eyes, mixing and matching and that figuring out whether this or that is a good deal. But oh my lordie. Once the floodgate is open, there is no tomorrow.

I bought lots of beautiful work clothing last weekend and the past weekend I went out again to Secaucus, Jersey, ostensibly planning to look for furniture but ending up getting bags of clothing again. I love the feeling of having new things in your closet that you can take out and look at again and again, especially if there is that special item that you just ADORE. It’s love, all over again.

Holistic Chiropractor?

2009-09-04T11:31:00.002-04:00

I went to see a chiropractor this morning – Dr. Tammy Bohne. I like her but after reading some of the side effects of chiropractic treatment, like strokes, I am a little scared. She manipulated my neck by twisting it from side and side and “cracking” the cervical spines and while I feel okay – at least, not worse – I hope this is a one-time thing and she won’t keep doing it. My left buttocks have been tingling and burning worse than ever before, and my back and neck and left arm has been lightly tingling with movement and pressure. Every time after cardio or weights, my back feels really stiff and the tingling becomes much worse. The massage definitely did something bad. The doctor did an x-ray today and said I had slight scoliosis, which is a slight curvature of the spine. That’s why my head tends to tilt to the left to compensate for that. Anyway, she says toxins build up on these joints and irritates the nerves and the massage might have worsened the problem that already exists. I don’t know if any of this is true or is just holistic hokey-pokey nonsense, and I guess I’ll just have to judge by the results. This will be another very expensive treatment because she wants me to see her twice a week – and each time of course my copayment is $40 so it could be more than $300 a month for I don’t know how long. However, if the treatment is beneficial or improves my symptoms, then it’ll be all worth it.

My cold/flu is acting really weird. I would feel okay, but then I would walk around and get all achy again. Then I would have these bursts of energy followed by sore throat and runny nose. It’s taking a long time to run its course, and I just wish it would be gone so I can be active again. This cold, along with my nerve problems, really hinders my active schedule. I so badly want to pick up my cardio schedule again and build up my muscles and endurance, but common sense tells me to slow down. ARGHHHHH.

Labor Day weekend – I thought I would be working on Monday, but my boss said not to come in. I’m fucked. I had planned on working this Monday to save up a day for Vegas, and now this means I’ll have to change my travel plans. I will be working Columbus and Veteran’s Day for sure so I’ll have only two days to do Vegas – 12/30, 12/31 and 1/1. Maybe I’ll stay an extra day after New Years.

In other good news, AA picked up her visa for Turkey so I guess we’re all set for our trip!!! It seems unreal that I’ll be going on another exotic trip in less than two months. I’m so psyched. Just thinking about it makes my day-to-day stresses bearable.

I’ve been cooking a lot recently – trying out all of the recipes in my Vegan with a Vengeance and 30 minute meal cookbooks. Although my cooking styles and foods aren’t really suitable for my family who has a conservatively Chinese (particularly southern) taste, hopefully by introducing some more exotic foods on recurring basis will broaden their palate and appreciation for various cuisines. Doubtful, but still. My cooking is really meant for me, and my camera. When I cook, I focus and time flies. I get into that zone where 1 hour seems like 10 minutes, and after I come out of that ‘zone’ it’s euphoric, like I just went on a ‘trip.” I cannot tell you how enjoyable it is to be able to focus on a task in this day and age where email and phone and internet and everything in between fights to distract your attention and keep you in this vaporous mind limbo. I’ve made some Middle Eastern dishes and some Israeli dishes and I think tonight is the time to make some delicious vegan desserts. Ginger, macadamia carrot cake anyone? How about banana split chocolate pudding? Or raspberry chocolate ganache?

Pictures of foods coming up soon!

House Drama

2009-08-31T15:28:00.002-04:00

Drr-rrama! I moved out the past weekend. I’ve been mulling over whether to move out right now, at mid-September, or just finish the whole month, but I woke up on Saturday morning with my mind made up. It’s now or never. Right after I told her I was leaving the next day, I started packing and packing and packing. Never knew how much shit I had accumulated in just two months. Then on Sunday my parents came and got my stuff and drove back home. Between my landlady, my roommate, the guy who came to see the apartment and me, I had enough apartment drama to last me for a while. Oh, and might I add - throughout the whole weekend, I was battling a stupid cold.

So the two months experiment of living in Manhattan with a 10 minute walk to work was interesting. It definitely felt like it was more than two months. So what did I get out of it? I got to sort of experience what it would be like to manage my own time, manage my meals and manage my weekends. I’ve always said I wanted to sublet an apartment in the city in the summer and I got to do exactly that. I got to meet my roommate who hopefully I will keep in touch with. I got to explore the Kips Bay/Gramercy neighborhood on foot during my many nightly walks. I hosted a fabulous dinner party. I watched tons of cable TV in HD. Would I have moved out in July if I knew I was going to get my own place in October? Of course not. I could’ve saved more than $2000 which is still a lot of money for me. But if I had not moved out, my parents would have never gotten that “push” to buy a place for me, and none of this would’ve happened. So it was well worth it.

Primarily the reason for moving back home is 1. I need to move back anyway because the closing date of the house might not be until a few days or a week into October and 2. To save money. I went to Ikea the weekend before and even if I bought all my furniture there, it would still run over $1000 for bed, mattress, sofa, shelves, tables, chairs, etc. I’m really not that sure about purchasing IKEA furniture, because everyone says it’s not durable, but then again, I’m going to be going off to grad school in 2 years or so anyway, so do I really need durable furniture?

Recently I’ve been reading up on tons of ‘small space’ home decoration books and it’s so interesting. My mom got me into all of this interior design stuff and now I’m hooked. I might get messy from time to time but at heart I love to organize, clean and decorate. I’m a homey-ass person and I can think of few things lovelier than spanking clean stainless steel refrigerator inside a sparkling scrubbed down kitchen with all the utensils lined up and the bowls and food items neat and labeled in the pantry. This is the first time that I can actually decorate to my heart’s content, and I’m going to create a magical space that is all me. I’ve spent so long catering to my mom’s tastes or looking at other people’s homes that I’ve never really sat down to consider what I really liked. Art deco? Cottage style? Super sleek & modern? Moroccan? I can’t wait until my decoration books arrive from Amazon and then I can start planning and doing my drawing designs!!!!!

Besides apartment-related business, I went to the MoMA to see Margaret Leng’s music on Thursday and it was the weirdest performance I’ve ever seen in my life. She created Chinese ancient music sounds out of the piano strings and it was like nothing I ever expected to see or hear. I loved Song Dang’s exhibition though. Afterwards, my mom treated me to Joe’s Shanghai in their midtown location and O.M.G. the xiao long bao (soupy pork dumplings) were heavenly. The soup was so succulent. However, I really thought about it the other day and I think that as delicious as it was, the concept behind it was flawed. They must have artificially created that soup inside the dumpling by maybe placing frozen little blocks of soup in the dough before steaming or whatever. There is just no way that nugget of pork in there could’ve created that much soup on its own. That’s kind of like cheating, and if I wanted to get picky, I would say that this soup dumpling cannot measure up to the ones I’ve eaten in China where the soup was AUTHENTICALLY created by the pork and enclosed in paper thin skin that breaks as your teeth lightly punctures it. Now THAT’S real magic.

Anyway, Friday weather ruined our PwC get together plans but Saturday still managed to make it to Harlem for the 3rd dinner party get together at TD’s. Meal was heavy, but excellent. Have been slacking off at the gym – not good because I can feel my heaviness. But between my cold and busyness with packing and moving and my back nerve issues, I would’ve probably asked too much of myself. It’s funny how everyone’s impression of me was my dieting/gym rat days when that’s soooo not the case anymore. Speaking of which, I had the BEST Crumbs cupcake – thanks RB for introducing me to Blackout! They’re huge and probably 1000 calories but the moistness, the chocolate-y fudge and hints of cocoa were amazing. And on Sunday, I was supposed to go to Mt. Pleasant beach in Jersey and was so sad I ended up not going – the weather looked bad in the morning, I felt sick all over and I had to move out. And I really fucking wanted to go to the beach just this once this summer!!! Most of all, I really wanted to see TA and EW after such a long time =( So sad. Sunday’s weather actually turned out beautifully and I had finished my move-out by early afternoon so I could’ve made it if it were some beach I could get to by public transportation, but unfortunately they were all driving there at noon and I missed out on all the fun. Boooooooo

Hmmm, what else? Went out shopping yesterday and got new work shoes and also pair of hot boots. And between my Turkey trip, Vegas trip, my writing classes, braces, apartment furniture and GMAT test and prep books, I’m watching my every penny!

Important Dates Coming Up! ^_^

2009-08-25T15:54:00.002-04:00

October 1st: New Apartment Move-In

October 9th: I’m turning 25 *wah wah*

October 16th-25th: Turkey, here we come!!!!

November 25th: GMAT @ 8AM!

December 2nd: Glaucoma Foundation Black & White Gala

December 29-January 1st: VEGAS, baby!

Promises and New Beginnings

2009-08-24T17:31:00.001-04:00

My mom gave me a great pep talk this past weekend – I needed that. I know not to let the Asian parent pressure get to me, but even without her pointing it out, I recognize that I’ve been using too many excuses lately. So, the solution is: cut the crap. Laziness begone!

I need to start whipping my own butt on my GMAT progress. That means that after work, without heading home and indulging in the TV/Internet/junk food goodness that is my daily weekday routine, I will go to the library or, on days it closes early, a Starbucks where I will at least get in an hour of studying. Of course, it goes without saying that I have to pick up on my gym schedule and make that just as much of a priority as anything else worth doing in my life. After I get home, which will hopefully be at 9PM, I will have the rest of the night to catch up on my TV shows, parents, friends and other random things.

Now, there’s a catch. This is only the beginning of the reorganization of my life. Did I mention in my blog that I will be moving to MY own place come October? Well, technically, my parents bought it, but as their only beloved child, I will have the privilege of living in it. I have to pay rent, of course, but at a huge discount and I do it gladly knowing that my parents really did this for me. I would’ve had to pay rent anyway. I really cannot stand living with roommates anymore – if they hadn’t bought the condo, I would not have known what to do. I probably would’ve moved out very soon (cannot live harmoniously in current place anymore) to a small cramped walkup which I would’ve had to share with students. Instead, now I will have a studio all to myself, with a FABULOUS kitchen, bright sunshine and within walking distance to work. Perks are the rooftop deck, the lounge and a mini-gym! I cannot WAIT to move in, decorate and chill-out at my place!!

But hold on. In order to save money and rejuvenate my soul, I state here that I will not have cable or Internet for the rest of the year. I have come to realize that technology both connects and isolates people, and for me especially, technology has a way of making me dumber and lazier. Have you ever noticed how the Internet and TV both make you very passive? You get bombarded with pictures and images and new information, and you selectively choose the flashiest things you are interested in, with no effort at all. Contrast that with reading and speaking on the phone, in which your attention is focused and you have to actively engage your subject or you will lose your focus. I feel so sad when I pick up a book and are sometimes unable to absorb the words, reading much slower than when I was in high school. My brain is deadened from instant messaging, Facebook, and reality TV. So by eliminating the two sources of my degeneration, hopefully I will regain some perspective on myself and on other people.

I’m sure I will suffer withdrawal. Tons. I will come home expecting to get some stress relief and instead all I will get is a quiet apartment with nothing that jumps out to entertain me. But it will be okay – because I have a plan. I am going to enroll in a 2 year writing class in which I will earn college credits and have a one-on-one instructor who will guide me through a process at the end of which I will have a manuscript ready for publication. I will spend my time writing, and reading a lot of books currently stacked up high on my bookshelves, and I imagine my little music player will be on a lot too. It helps too that there’s a Borders right across from my apartment! Also, although this is no promise, I hope to use the extra quiet time to cook and experiment. Who knows - maybe I will discover a new interest or a new dish!

I had a surprisingly emotional moment this past weekend really thinking about my career. Should I go to grad school? MBA? Is it too late to turn back and go for a med degree? Law degree? But law students always say they hate it. And why did I decide to go to business school in the first place? Because, honestly, before I knew anything about the stock market or hedge funds, I knew I loved traveling. And I knew that business is the only profession that really allows mobility to happen. It’s the only career that has the potential to satisfy my wanderlust. And so, here I am. I think remembering that initial motivation is what sort of quelled my sudden fear that I was going down the wrong path and there was no turning back.

With my MBA I can actually choose many paths, with the option of even going into entrepreneurship and turning what my hobbies into a money-generating trade. If I can do that and be successful, I know in my heart that that will be more fulfilling for me than anything in the world. I have thought about this intensely and have narrowed down my interest to three very basic things: 1) Anthropology (history) 2) Traveling and 3) Writing. Now, how do I make these three interests into a career? The ideal thing would be to do travel writing and photography. Or do anthropological research. Either way, none of this is going to make money. But as long as I have a vision of one day transforming my passions into a business, into a reality in which everyday work is an expression of exactly who I am, I am content for now. I have very little doubts after all this soul searching about whether I should get my MBA or not – because that is the only practical way to go about making my dreams come true.

I Paid for This

2009-08-20T12:39:00.001-04:00

The past few days have been HORRIFIC.

After I wrote my last entry, the day after was just a haze of nausea, dizziness and weakness. Nausea woke me up. I stumbled to the bathroom many times, sticking my fingers down my throat, trying to choke and bring up something. But even as stuff ebbed and flowed, I could not. The toxic junk clogged up my digestive system just as hair and dirt clogs up a drain pipe.

Mom and dad came over and stayed with me for the whole day. I felt like shit and felt so bad they are seeing me like this, but cannot help just taking in the comfort of my mom’s presence. She cooked me some ginger soup and it worked wonders! But the sight or even THOUGHT of food repulsed me…never thought this was possible. In the afternoon the nausea subsided because there was nothing left in my stomach to cause nausea, and I just didn’t eat until later at night something very little. This caused me extreme lightheadedness. I remember taking a walk around the block with mom to see the Indian Day parade and going to Sleepy’s, but it was in a haze…I thought I was going to pass out any minute walking on the street.

Then it got worse. No, the stomach issue got better and better slowly as I was careful to eat broth and light foods, but made a poor decision to get Chinese acupressure massage (Tui-na) from this idea I had to free up my “Qi” and improve circulation. I went to this slightly sketch place near work where you walk up two flights of stairs to a small room. I’ve been there before and I liked it, and it was cheap. But oh mi god, after a slow start, the Chinese lady pounded my back and kneaded every point on my body until I was gritting my teeth in pain and my muscles would tense involuntarily. It was probably only half an hour, but it did the damage. I was too stupid to speak up when I should have. It would’ve been a great massage if it had just been softer and more easy on the body.

The day after, I was in a lot of pain. Just as my stomach issue is clearing up, I gave myself something else to agonize about. Not only was my entire back tender and bruised from the neck to the tailbone, my nerves were on fire, tingling and pinching me at random times. I already had damaged nerves in my butt from my fall in March, which never really healed despite my physical therapy, and which I should probably see a neurologist for. So feeling the familiar “tingling” along my spine scared me shitless. Nerves don’t heal easily – it might take months, or years, and things would never be the same. It might even worsen. And I’m only 24 – I don’t want to live with nerve damage for the rest of my life. I know something is not right with this feeling after a massage, and just pray and hope that the masseuse knew what she was doing and that this will pass.

I cannot believe in less than one week, I paid good money to torture myself. To put myself in more misery and agony than I’ve experienced in a long time. I cannot concentrate at work, I cannot think clearly. I could not sleep, not only because my mind was going crazy with worry, but because lying on my back or on my side caused the tingling and cramping to worsen. I’ve either been eating nothing or stuffing myself to compensate. I sleep like 5 hours a night for the past week, which is far too little for me. I don’t know, I really feel like I’m spiraling out of control and I don’t know how far I will fall before I see daybreak.

I’m a little better today, but after last night, I just don’t think I could’ve gotten worse.

Food-Caused Miseries Ruin My Weekend

2009-08-15T23:15:00.003-04:00

Where do I start?

I have a 102 degree fever right now, that just came on all of a sudden at about late afternoon. I feel like shit. My stomach indigestion started around dinner/after dinner and just got worse and worse. I had major diarrhea, lightheadedness, nausea and belching and swelling of my stomach. I look like I am 4 months along, and I can't really stomach any food today. I had to force myself to eat some dry tortilla chips and some fruit just to keep my blood sugar in check. I don't want to make a big deal out of it considering that in the past, I've gone to the ER with some fever/stomach flu problems and just been sent home with some simple medication. I am worried about sepsis - but hopefully it won't ever progress to that far.

I have no idea what I have. I don't ever remember having such a high fever and stomach upset at the same time, and I don't know if it's mere food intolerance, food allergies, or viruses/bacterias. I was hoping this entry would allow me to rave on and on about Pure Food and Wine, the raw vegan restaurant that AA and I dined at on Friday night. And I will - I mean, just because some of the ingredients in their food does not agree with my stomach, it doesn't take away at all from the pure genius and quality of the meal. I think that this was probably the BEST meal I've had this year so far. And for me to say this, even as sick as I was and still am, is a testament to how brilliant Pure Food and Wine is.

I feel so comfortable with vegan restaurants because I don't have to worry about the food being cooked in butter or have cheeses and whatnot. I've had many experiences in the past where my food would come and my first bite had me gagging because I just cannot stand the smell/taste of any butter, which is a main ingredient in many European cuisines. I mean, they fry everything in butter, not oil like in Asian cooking. Anyway, vegan restaurants, besides the whole healthy organic aspect of it that I love, will never leave me embarrassed at having to return food or making other people uncomfortable because I am not able to eat my food.

However, this was my very first time trying RAW vegan. This means that everything is vegan, meat-free and raw - not cooked over 118 degrees. You think of crunchy broccoli and shredded carrots when I say raw food, and that's what I would think too - before Pure Food and Wine completely blew all of my preconceived notions away. Every forkful of food is drenched with flavor and bursting with freshness and wonderful textures. Our appetizer (tomato-based) and our entrees (white corn tamales with raw cocoa and cashew nut cheese and beet ravioli) was absolutely fucking amazing. We seriously sounded like we were in orgasm throughout the meal, sighing and cooing over the food. Other people totally copied our menu choices. However, let me just come to DESSERT. Oh. My. God. NO other dessert I've ever tasted in this world can compare to this. We casually decided to go with this vanilla chamomile ice cream with riesling soaked apricots and shortbread and just thinking about it right now brings a besotted smile to my face. If indeed my sickness right now is caused by something in that dessert - I don't know, but I think I can withstand the torture again just to taste that dessert and other ones again and again...

So why does the food taste so delicious even though it's raw vegan? Well, they use tons of nut-based creams and sauces. What they do to make cashew "cheese" is to blend raw cashews with water and then let it ferment under a cheese cloth for a day or two. Out comes this white gelatinous blob of thing that resembles cream cheese. They do infuse it with flavor or whatever and it's probably in every single dish they have. I have no allergy problems with nuts. But the way they make this "cheese" might not agree with my stomach. In fact, after I ate the creamy white corn tamale, I had this weird sour yogurty aftertaste in my mouth and somewhere deep inside of me, I knew that despite the heavenly taste of the food, my body is just not very receptive of it. I just knew it.

Then afterwards, we went to see Time Traveler's Wife and throughout the movie, I was so uncomfortable and gassy and totally out of it. I felt like something was attacking my insides, jutting here and spilling there and generally making me feel miserable. Then I came home and decided to eat some grapes, hoping that the sugar will make me more comfortable. It didn't.

Come morning today, I woke up late and rushed to my orthodontist appointment. I cannot believe how I managed it, because as soon as I got up and walked out of my building, I felt the world tilt and my stomach lurch. I am amazed I made it through my day without vomiting. I felt a bit better in the afternoon because there was almost nothing in my stomach to mess with (I didn't eat anything and barely drank water) but then decided to eat some tortilla chips and some lychees and grapes. I really shouldn't have done that, because some chemical reaction happened or something because I started getting muscle aches and pains like you would get in a really bad flu. I knew I had a fever. I freaked out a bit, not knowing where this was heading, and my AC was not in operation so I was so hot and stuffy and miserable. =(

I had no over the counter drugs with me so I dragged my butt out to go to CVS to get some Pepto Bismal and some extra strength Tylenol. I am very anti-western medication but I just couldn't get through tonight without it. It's just an awful feeling to have these aches and pains racking through your body, no energy, and your stomach alternating between upheaval up and down. Oh God.

So after the medication found its sweet spot, I feel a lot more comfortable now but dreading tomorrow. I was soooo looking forward to this weekend where I can just totally relax from the hard work week and get some studying done, along with chilling out with some friends to take advantage of my landlady's absence, but no. Well, I'm actually glad I didn't make any plans this weekend because I would've had to cancel them all. I forced down some kettle popcorn earlier and called it a day. Then I completely cleaned out my room and get all my shit in order.

Now I've been wondering what caused all of this. If indeed it was the nut cheeses which I have a sinking feeling it is, then I cannot go to raw vegan restaurants anymore. I am actually really upset about this. AA really enjoyed Pure Food and Wine and as I was leaving I was thinking of holding my birthday dinner there as it was totally classy and lovely setting to have any event. Perfect date spot too. There was this supermodel couple sitting right next to us, the guy was GORGEOUS. Anyway, I was thinking of calling up the restaurant to find out exactly what they put in their food so I know to avoid it in the future. BUT, then I had a sudden thought, because before I went to the restaurant I downed a tall cup of Starbucks frappucino, and the milk might have been bad because my stomach felt a bit funny after drinking it. I thought I might have drank it too fast, but who knows, the milk in the frappucino might have also had a bad reaction with the raw ingredients, and even my post-dinner grapes might have been contaminated. I don't know - and honestly I just hope that whatever it is, it's not a virus/bacteria. Because these infections can last for days and weeks, and I just have so much shit to do at work next week that I cannot miss work. Thank goodness this happened on a Friday night, and not Saturday or Sunday...

As a sick miserable little baby, I called my mom and told her the whole thing and I feel bad about making her worry but she is coming over first thing in the morning to bring some ginger and some of the special care and love that only a mother could. Morning cannot come sooner =( I hope I can fall asleep tonight.

Btw...the Time Traveler's Wife is not as much of a tearjerker as I thought, and the Notebook was SOOOOOOOOOOOO much better. Rachel and Ryan had so much chemistry in there. Rachel is a gorgeous girl and a wonderful actress...hope to see her more in future films.

Busy Worker Bee am I

2009-08-13T16:12:00.000-04:00

My landlady has gone to California for two weeks. It’s lovely to have the whole place to myself. Well, my roommate is here too but she keeps odd hours. At God knows what hour in the morning, I wake up stumbling to the bathroom, and hazily see the living room ablaze with light and music playing. She’s probably on the Internet doing homework. When my landlady is there, we all stay in our rooms, doors closed (though not locked), fan/AC on, doing our own thang. But now that she is gone…we’ve sort of expanded our living space to the living room, dining room, kitchen and porch. Last night I went onto the porch and let the cool breeze come over me as I gazed at the Empire State Building. The light from the building illuminated the clouds above, giving it a pearly translucent and magical appearance. Then I turned on all the lights in the living room and snuggled down on the sofa to read “Down the Black Hole.” The sofa is so comfy. It got stuffy after a while so I padded back to my room to finish the chapter.

My roommate is a sweet and friendly girl, so rare to find in NYC these days. We chatted impromptu for almost 2 hours in the heat and sweat of the living room, and it’s amazing how much you share with someone you don’t know well at all. It feels like a fresh start, like I’m redefining myself by what I chose to tell her, not having to hold back because of whatever history we’ve shared. She’s from Saudi Arabia and she tells me the most fascinating things about her life, her culture and how she got from there to here. I love it when people surprise me. This is one of the top three reasons why I love to travel – because only when you travel can your perspectives expand and you can grow stronger in your sense of self in the world and in your convictions.

I think that’s also why I read astronomy books. I just want the big picture so bad. But as I was reading up on the quasars and dust particles and red stars, I started to get depressed. I started thinking about the day I would die. In 5 billion years, no life will exist on Earth because the sun will expand into Earth’s orbit. What will it feel like to take your last breath, to know you are leaving your consciousness and all that you love and desire? Time is an undefeatable enemy, and we are all marching to our deaths slowly but surely. That day you die will come, sooner or later, and the inevitability of it scares the hell out of me.

Which leads me to…my obsession with vampires. They’ve always fascinated me, and I think part of their appeal is that they are immortal. People always hesitate when I ask them: “if you can live forever, would you?” But I would. I love the idea of eternalness – eternal love, eternal beauty, unmoving and unchanging against the tides of time and place. It gives me the shivers, it’s so sexy. Immortality is the ultimate aphrodisiac, because then I wouldn’t have to stress about how I’m turning old and I have to do A, B and C off of my Life Checklist, and how there is only this ONE opportunity to do this or that.

As the summer rolls to a soft end, I am again crushed by how quickly time passes and how old I’m getting. I’ll be 25. I should be married with a kid and one on the way already. My life plans are all ruined, ruined. But the worst part is – I don’t care. It’s not that I want to be alone, it’s just that my focus right now is not love of someone else, but love of myself. Love of my mind (grad school), love of my body (exercise & healthy diet), love of my soul (reading, volunteering, traveling, cultivating friendships) and love of my career (advancing in my job and figuring out how to make more money and gain more prestige). There is just so much to do, and I know I have enough capacity in me to juggle everything and enough love in me to spread, but I’m sorry to say I don’t really need a man to complete me. If one comes (and I hope you do), he will complement me, but only I can make myself whole. And trust me, I’m trying darn hard here.

Germany

2009-08-04T10:18:00.000-04:00

Some shit went down at work the day I was supposed to leave for Germany and cast a pall over the trip. I was seething. But I was determined to cast it aside, to take the higher road, and see the bigger picture. It was hard, but by the middle of the trip it didn’t matter so much anymore.

I really loved Germany. I didn’t think I would. I mean, I knew I would love the towns and the castles that I had chosen to go to, but as we peered through the trains at the rolling landscapes passing us by, I really felt the loveliness and tranquility and peace of the German countryside tug at my heartstrings. I am completely won over. Germany might not be as well ‘advertised’ to be a tourist destination as, say, Italy or France, it is definitely worth a visit.

We really town-hopped quite a bit, everyday practically we were on trains heading somewhere. I LOVE their trains. They are fast, efficient, comfortable and a joy to ride on. At the end of a long day walking around, I looked forward to getting on the 2 hour train ride home, reading newspapers, munching on snacks and chatting with my parents. We went to Wurzburg for 1 day, Rothenburg ob der Tauber for 1 day, then on to Munich where we stayed for 4 nights. During our time in Munich, we took day trips to Dachau concentration camp, to the Hohenschwangau and Neuschanwanstein castles (the source of Walt Disney’s inspiration for Sleeping Beauty), Bamberg (a UNESCO World Heritage town), Salzburg in Austria the birthplace of Mozart and the background of Sound of Music, and Berchtesgaden which included the beautiful Konigsee lake and the magnificent but evil lodging of Hitler called Eagle’s Nest.

Along the way, we logged many train mileage, ate many different types of sausages and drank all types of beer on a daily basis, made some friends traveling to Berchtesgaden from China (I met this one guy who is at Singapore NUS!!!!!!!) and visited 1000 year old churches and medieval towns and charming crooked cobble lanes and mountains as high as Yellow Mountain and lakes that echo. My dad is a HUGE WWII buff and he got a lot out of visiting Eagle’s Nest and the Dachau concentration camp which were quite chilling. It’s been such an amazing trip, and what an amazing country. My favorite place has to be Rothenburg, however, just because it is like nothing you will ever see elsewhere. It’s so cute I just wanted to die.

German food is actually pretty good (well, at least to me). I absolutely love their currywurst, and the Nuremburg fried sausages, as well as their delicious walnut and raisin breads. They really love their sausages, bread, potatoes and beer. And oh my, Germany boys are mad fine. Yes, very fine indeed……but I behaved myself.

Now that I’m back, it’s back to busy busy busy work and studying for my GMAT and of course, planning for my next trip in October. I am thinking either Egypt or Turkey, both places my mom basically forbid me to go in the summer. But she can’t argue about fall. I’ve already booked my vacation for a week from October 19th to 23rd.

My Husband Criteria

2009-07-23T17:42:00.000-04:00

My Husband Criteria:
as inspired by www.thefrisky.com article!

MUST HAVES:

1. Non-Smoker
2. Ambitious and already successful in whatever field he is in
3. Loves children, wants to be a good father.
4. Not very religious
5. Open to trying new foods/experiences and loves traveling to non-traditional places. That is – not “Paris” or “Bahamas” whenever the word vacation comes up.
6. Laid-back and not very emotional – able to calm me down when I get crazy.
7. Tall – over 5’’ 10’ at least
8. Has the same messiness and cleanliness levels as I am – that is, not a neat freak or a slob.
9. Charming and teases me and makes me blush and laugh – no matter how long we’ve been together.
10. Great to my mom and dad and respectful to elders.
11. Generous about money and doesn’t mind the small things – i.e. not stingy and small-minded!
12. Physically fit and moderately healthy.

Pluses:

1. BRITISH!!!!!!!!!!!!
2. Loves Chinese culture
3. Loves Jay Chou and can great at karaoke
4. Doesn’t particularly like animals or want pets
5. Movie-star handsome looks won’t hurt
6. Looks hot in glasses
7. Loves to take me to Broadway shows and do events around the city

Minuses:
1. Has the same kind of humor as those stupid Seth Rogen movies.
2. Drinks too much
3. Argumentative and contrary for the sake of being contrary
4. Doesn’t like my girlfriends or can’t hang out with groups of people
5. No fashion sense

So last night was kind of strange. I had a very vivid dream, the kind that you wake up from and not know reality for a few seconds. It was so real that if it had been a nightmare I would’ve woken up either screaming or crying like a baby.

It was about one of my very good friends from years ago – and it involved an email invitation that I did not accept right away, causing some rancor and bitterness to build up and finally explode in an unpleasant exchange between the two of us. Of course, none of this email invitation thing happened in real life. But that old friend and I developed a rift over the past year or two and the feelings I have towards this development and the feelings that were festering and spilling over in my dream are identical. There were a lot of misunderstandings, hurt, confusion and frustration all twirling and choking the two of us like mixed potions in a boiling cauldron. There was no resolution in my dream but I feel like this dream itself helps me towards a resolution in real life. Still, it left a weird shroud over the rest of my morning, and I can’t help but analyze about what this dream – coming up now – all means.

Hosting My 1st Dinner Party

2009-07-21T13:12:00.001-04:00

Last night all I watched were dating shows: Millionaire Matchmaker, The Bachelorette and then Dating in the Dark. 4 hours of dating shows, completely unplanned. It just so happens that all the dating shows are on Monday nights! Why! Last night felt weird because I came home straight from work, no stops for food/other necessities, appointments or the gym. I got some packing done and chilled out. It was great.

My first time hosting a dinner party was awesome on Saturday! I had such a blast. I was in a perfect frame of mind during the day, organized and running my errands like clockwork. I got home around 5:30 and started prepping up the kitchen and the dining room, putting on my little black dress and some makeup, and did some chitchatting with my roomies. The theme of our dinner was: “What would you eat for your last meal?” I didn’t want to say “Death Row Meal” because that just sounded really morbid. Anyway, I was set on making my purple Okinawan sweet potatoes and because that would be too boring on its own I decided to make a crepe to put the sweet potatoes in and serve it with strawberries, banana and nutella. Yes, that would very closely approximate my last meal if I were ever to go on Death Row. I love carbs = I love Chinese pastry stores = I love French crepes.

I got a cookbook called “Vegan with a Vengeance” which is the BEST vegan cookbook I have ever found. The recipes all involve REAL FOOD, not some esoteric thing like tempeh or bulgar that you would have to go out of your way to find and cook. I mean, a lot of Asian dishes I’m used to eating are already pretty much vegan, so it’s great to know that someone out there recognized that common, natural foods out there can be used creatively in vegan recipes. Am I turning vegan? Well, no. But I love vegan food for its natural wholesome goodness and the guarantee that there are no dairy products. I absolutely hate having hidden butter or milk in my foods, especially in restaurants. I would order a salmon dish and it would come to me smelling like butter and making me gag just having it near.

But back to my vegan cookbook. I found a recipe for vegan crepes that sounded interesting and was relatively simple, except I had to trek to Whole Foods to find chickpea flour. Chickpea flour is traditionally used to make hummus. I made a batter, chilled it and made about 10 crepes which were excellent, if I do say so myself. When I put the mashed sweet potatoes (with a bit of soymilk) into the crepes and eat it with some berries, it’s so light and airy and delicious and healthy to boot! Thinking about my creations make me smile  I also made a dish of okra with stewed tomatoes and onions which was also very delicious.

My dinner guests consisted of 8 people: TD, KL, RB, LJ, AJ, KS, HW, and EL. Everyone who RSVP’ed yes showed up (props props) ON TIME (amazing!) and bought food, either homemade or store-bought. I have to say I am disappointed that most people chose not to COOK cook – only like 3 people actually heated up a pot and created things from scratch – but considering the theme, I can’t complain too much about it because maybe fast food does have that ‘last meal’ appeal for some people. But I seriously doubt IF when things go down to the wire and you are sitting in your cell on your last night alive…not to be morbid or anything…but if that were to happen, I doubt you would ask for fried chicken. You would probably ask for something much more meaningful than that. Perhaps something your mom made you as a child, perhaps a gourmet dish, or perhaps comfort food that stayed with you in your hard times.

But without further ado, here is the list of foods people brought: Samosas & Naan bread,
Mashed Potatoes, Green beans, Cucumber, avocado & tomato salad, Pizza, Barbeque Chicken, Barbeque Chicken Wings, Popeyes Fried Chicken, Burgers & Chicken Nuggets, Strawberry Parfait and Chocolate Cake.

A lot of chicken and carbs and fast food. A feast for the eyes and the stomach, but I think detox is needed the day after. I didn’t eat THAT much thank goodness because being the hostess half of your mind is always somewhere looking at the time, scrubbing and cleaning and making sure all of your guests have full wineglasses and are not bored or anything. I loved every minute of it, showing people around the apartment and being proud of the huge space with the dining room and living room and the porch that has a full view of the Empire State Building. After everyone left, EL stayed over and we sat on the porch and then the living room talking and talking until 4 in the morning…

Hosting any kind of event in your home is tiring and the downside is that you don’t get to talk to a lot of your guests as much as you want to because you’re sooo busy with everything and with everyone as a group. It definitely helps though when people bring food – I can’t imagine how my mom did it, preparing Thanksgiving meals for 25 people all by herself when I was little. I think these things take practice, and this is sort of like a housewarming + dinner club party all at once, but I think real dinner parties should be with fewer people, maximum 5 people, so that the setting is more intimate and you get to have more in depth conversations. I wish we could’ve moved from the dining table to the living room and cozy up against the sofas with our wine…

But I think I have this great love for entertaining – if I ever marry rich, I would entertain every other week at my huge apartment/mansion. Heck, even if I marry poor, I would entertain as much as I financially and physically can. Yes it’s a lot of work and takes a chunk of money outta your pocket – alcohol, anyone? We finished 5 bottles of wine and could’ve needed more – but it’s so rewarding. At least for me.

And I saw Harry Potter on Friday. It was very ‘eh’ for me…

Perfect New York Night

2009-07-17T16:09:00.000-04:00

When I’m in a going-out mood:

Location: Trendy fabulous restaurant – turned lounge at night
Activity: Eating, drinking, taking pictures, gossiping, people-watching, dancing and laughing
Temperature: Central air-conditioned 67 degrees
Soundtrack: Light R&B / hip hop
Beverage: Quality Riesling and Pinot Noir and water
Snacks: Little sashimi tartars, hummus dips with warm pita bread, and guacamole/salsa
Company: Close-knit group of girlfriends
Reading Material: The Menu / gossip magazines
Clothing: Flowy and asymmetrical aquamarine dress with silver heels

When I’m in a homebody mood:

Location: My beautifully decorated apartment with great soft lighting
Activity: Watching TV / Surfing the Internet / Dancing around my room / self-pampering / gabbing and chatting on the phone or online
Temperature: Central air-conditioned 67 degrees
Soundtrack: Jay Chou
Beverage: Water and light pear juice
Snacks: Tortilla chips and turkey meatballs and kettle popcorn and lots of fruit!
Company: Me, myself and I
Reading Material: a good thumb-sucking historical epic romance / vampire novel
Clothing: Cute cotton shorts and t-shirt

The words “thank you” and “sorry” are SO overused. It doesn’t mean so much anymore when people say them. And when I really, really mean it? Not much of an impact on the person I want to affect.

I saw the penultimate episode of The Fashion Show last night and it was oh-so-fabulous. Love, love, love it. I will miss it a lot when I don’t have cable anymore. Also love “Raising Sextuplets” and EVERYTHING on HGTV like “Property Virgins” and “First Time Buyers.” SOOOO addictive.

Mozart & Beethoven

2009-07-16T11:22:00.001-04:00

I went to this amazing Concert in the Park performance by New York Philharmonic on Tuesday night. I heard Mozart’s 41st Symphony (Jupiter) and Beethoven’s No. 7 Symphony which just blew me away. It’s been so long since I listened to classical music, and to break the drought this way was superb. I’m not going to pretend to be a classical music aficionado but I absolutely love music of all kinds and when I close my eyes and hear the rises and falls of notes in crescendos and dips I see colors and shapes and movement. I literally see the notes dancing. This is how I perceive music, and I think it’s unique to me. As I listened to Mozart, I felt tears on my face. I didn’t even realize I was crying. I get so emotional, I can’t help it. The fourth movement of Mozart’s symphony and 2nd movement of Beethoven’s symphony is just pure magic and genius.

Credit Suisse is a global sponsor of New York Philharmonic and so all employees got a chance to get a pair of tickets for VIP bench seating in the front. I was too late but my cousin got us tickets. There were thousands of people on the grass picnicking on the Great Lawn and we were heralded into this roped area near the front with a great view of the orchestra. The breeze was slightly chilly but the weather was great, and as the sky darkened the music intensified. After the music there was a minute of fireworks which everyone ooh and aah-ed over. It took us forever to get out of the park and get onto transportation but I had a great time and it was much better than I ever expected.

I also went shopping on Sunday and basically lost my soul in Bed Bath and Beyond. I was supposed to go clothes shopping at Loehmann’s but got sidetracked into this evil, evil store that is eating away at all my money. I’m like a little kid in a candy store just reveling in the cookware and cleaning agents and dinnerware and utensils and all the fun little gadgets and kitchen stuff they have. Gahhhh!!! I need help. I spent over 2 hours in there and came out with two full bags of stuff. I got a lot of foot care items since I spent all my money on Broadway show tickets (RE: last post) and now have no money for pedicures. So I bought my own pedicure kit and lots of creams and I used them last night. My feet is so messed up it’s not even funny. I’ve got corns and calluses and weird toes and all this stuff and to top it off I have flat feet. So this puts a lot of pressure on my knees when I walk and run and exercise and it kills me when I have to wear heels or even flip-flops sometimes. So I need a lot of arch and ball-of-foot support which = $$$$.

I really want to go to Woodbury sometime soon. Next Friday I’m leaving for Germany and I am kind of stressed out about it even though I keep telling myself not to be because why would you get stressed out over vacation?? I just haven’t really had the time to prepare for it mentally and I need to figure out where our hotels are and the logistics of transportation which is always the worst part. I love traveling with my parents but they also put a lot of pressure on me to guide them and show them the next destination and I don’t mind that at all but I need to figure out a good plan first. Starting today, I will focus my attention on the trip, pronto!

Next few days will be very busy. Tonight I’m going to Urban Escapes happy hour at Side Bar, tomorrow is Harry Potter and then Saturday I’m hosting my very first potluck dinner at my apartment! *crossing my fingers landlady won’t embarrass me or give me any trouble* I love my other roommate from Saudi Arabia and hoping she will teach me how to do home-style hookah.

I saw this guy last night at my Streetwise mentoring session. I think he’s the one. We’ll see, if it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be, right?

And last but not least, I just have to end with how much I love True Blood. Forever. I’m going shopping at the HBO store right now…

Twelfth Night Gone Awry

2009-07-13T18:50:00.002-04:00

I was watching Soyomayor’s nomination hearing on CNN today at the gym and I swear, I was so overcome with emotion at hearing her story…I cried. It was the first time I’ve ever cried on an elliptical machine. Once, I was watching Oprah and I almost cried, but then commercials came on.

The past week has been madness. Actually, the past two weeks have been madness since I decided to move out of my nice BK home and move in with a batty old lady. Between going to open houses, physical therapy appointments, emergency orthodontia appointments, volunteering, having friends over, buying groceries and toiletries and engaging in a passive aggressive battle over old paint in my room, I am finally beginning to settle down with some semblance of routine. At least it hasn’t been boring.

Dinner is always a reflection of well my day went and how much energy I have left after a long day. Most of the time I just want to pig out on tortilla chips and a jar of salsa, plus snacking on berries/grapes and drinking diet soda pop. Due to recent events and MASSIVE cash outflows, my bank account is no longer as plump as it used to be. In fact, it’s positively anorexic. I’ve had to start manipulating my credit card payments and budgeting my food allowances, things that have never crossed my mind before. I’m essentially living paycheck to paycheck, a perilous existence for a twenty-something in the city…

Case in point: on Saturday night I woke up mad early and trekked to Central Park with a blanket in one hand and a 2 liter bottle of water in another prepared to stake out for a chance to score tickets to Shakespeare in the Park’s free production of Twelfth Night. Two summers ago, I waited for about 5 hours on the hot pavement near NYU for Midsummer Night’s Dream, so I figured this year will be no different. Um, how naïve was I? Hellllllo, recession! I got there at 9AM (booth opens at 1PM) and to quote my cousin: “this looks no different than a scene in Shanghai central train station,” which, if you know how train stations in China look like, will horrify you. This is in New York, people. I’ve never seen anything like this, never seen regular folks sleep on cardboard boxes and airbeds cuddled around each other, blankets and hair and naked legs intertwined with the grass and hot humid air. As I walked incredulously down the mile-long line of supine bodies, my hopes slowly dying of even REACHING the end of the line not to mention getting a pair of tickets, I notice some people groggily lifting their heads up and wrinkle their nose and eyes against the blinding sun, but I think I see some smirks aimed at us. “Oh, look at these people, expecting to stroll in at 9AM and getting tickets, we’ve been here since midnight…” is what they were probably thinking. Incredible.

I bumped into my cousin, mutually commiserated, and walked to the Turtle Pond to lie on the grass for a little bit and absorb the shock of what we just witnessed. There are some crazy fucking weirdos in New York, and you don’t know what people will do until they do it and you’re like, who ARE you? Do I even know you? Who would sleep in Central Park at night, aren’t you afraid of getting your purse stolen or getting killed by a random stalker or even worse, getting eaten alive by grasshoppers and other things that go bump in the night?

ANYWAY, to make a long story short, the rest of the day passed in a blur of napping, bus-sing, napping, dreaming and calls from AA who got tickets for us to see a real Broadway show In the Heights from TKTS. This is where the money part comes in. It’s freaking $91. She got it, so it was too late for me to back out. I would’ve rather seen the Little Mermaid for $60. But it was the 2008 Best Musical Tony Award and it was the one play we both really wanted to see, and I guess my feet will be cracked and ugly for the next MONTH, but darn it, I will go to Broadway tonight! At the same time, my heart bled and my guts shuddered from the cost of what potentially could’ve been 3 luxury pedicure/manicure/massages, but watching a musical is sort of like getting a massage of the mind and tickling of the soul, for $35 an hour give or take, so what the heck.

You can clearly see I still haven’t quite gotten past the guilt. But In the Heights was truly awesome. The plot might be sort of clichéd, but the energy and sass and pure fun of the performance was exhilarating. Let’s see, how many Broadway productions have I seen so far? Miss Saigon, Les Miserable, Beauty and the Beast, Aida, Avenue Q, Equus, Mamma Mia, Phantom of the Opera, Chicago, and Gypsy. I think my all-time favorite is Miss Saigon, which I’ve actually seen twice, followed by Aida and Mamma Mia which I both absolutely adore. I did not really like Phantom of the Opera or even Les Miz very much, although all Broadway shows are amazing in their own way. But I am DYING to see South Pacific, Wicked, Little Mermaid and Miss Saigon again!

Ah, and I’m super duper excited to do my first batch of laundry tonight. I luuuurve the smell of freshly laundered clothing. Plus, I get to have stuff to wear, which is always a good thing.

ANEMIA

2009-07-06T23:43:00.002-04:00

I definitely think I'm anemic. I've done lots of research and I think this is what's been wearing me down slowly but surely. I've been weak in this strange sort of way in my arms and legs (different from the "tired" feeling), I've had strange bruises on my legs in places that's hard to get bruises in, I've had trouble breathing and feeling like I don't get enough air into my body or something, I've been feeling cold even though it's warm outside and last but not least I've been having these heart palpitations at night. So it's back to taking lots of vitamins, particularly B-12 and iron. Gotta keep up with my salads and forcing myself to cut down on the sugar, sugar, sugar!!!!!

My landlady is crazy weird and stubborn and frustrating but endearing all at the same time. She got me the TV now and the cable guy is coming tomorrow. I've got all of my stuff today and cooked some pork liver with scallion, ginger and wine (to supplement iron in my diet) just now.

Fourth of July now and a year ago...

2009-07-05T00:52:00.004-04:00

AA came by two nights ago and she treated me to delicious take-out from Rice, and accidentally slept over. EL just came by tonight and bought some beautiful lily flowers and a candle as housewarming gifts. I love my friends. Okay, not just because they got me presents, but because they came by and visited me =) I am happy with very little! And I am just very hospitable by nature. I would love to host dinner parties and entertain all my life.

My mom also came by just when the 32 inch TV got delivered yesterday and bought me hiking gear for my trip today. We went shopping at TJ Maxx and BB&Beyond for a little bit, then had dinner at Chat n'Chew near Union Square on one of their outside tables and it was just lovely. I got this wireless sound transmitter boombox for my MP3 player and I adore it. I love listening to music in my room, and I don't want to do it with an earphone.

Today was a particularly exhausting day because of my first Urbanescapes trip to Harriman State Park with a group of 20 people plus 3 tour guides. We left at 9AM and took a one-hour drive up and it was some hardcore intense hiking. It was a gorgeous July 4th day and we spent the day scaling mini mountains sliding up and down rocks and boulders and flattening our butts against moss-stained fallen tree trunks. We ended the day at a crowded beach before heading back to the city, where we got stuck for more than an hour on the West Side Highway due to the fireworks display planned for later at night. GK flaked but shoutout to LJ - we rock for having done this! Here's to many more outdoorsy adventures in the future! (And hoping to catch Adam sometime too) :)

I was hoping to watch the fireworks from my apartment terrace but decided I probably couldn't see anything. So instead EL and I went to the dinner nearby at Amber and saw the fireworks on TV while chowing down on some high-end sushi. Finally ended the night at Pinkberry. Being able to walk home in about 10 minutes after that is worth 1100 a month. I don't know why I didn't move out sooner. But I'm just glad I did it before turning 25. Now that I am finally out of my house, a lot of my friends are moving OUT of the city for grad school or work related reasons. And crazy nights out? A thing of the past.

The past week has felt so long - I feel like I've been living here for months. The only thing I'm missing are my heels, jewelry, kitchen pots and pans and a cable box. Sometimes it's been fun, and sometimes it's been lonely, but mostly it's been all worth it.

I can't believe exactly one year ago, I was still at PwC. I was in Puerto Rico with AC doing a hike through the 'rainforest' while this year I am doing a hike through a state park on exactly the same day - July 4th. AC was still single and had not met her current BF yet. And we were both still living at home while we both have just moved out, and not together like we had planned back then. My dress I have on now was much looser and my boobs smaller back then, since I've gained a lot of weight and become in many ways healthier. How things change in just a year. Wonder where I will be and who will I be with next July 4th?

A Letter

2009-07-03T22:18:00.006-04:00

Dear friend,

I feel like I'm losing you, one by one, to your boyfriends. I know it's not a competition, but knowing is one thing and feeling the loss is another. It's just not the same anymore.

I wasn't particularly needy until the age of 12. After a growth spurt and a very early start in puberty, I was bookmarking "penis" in the dictionary and developing deeply emotional infatuations with older men when most girls and boys were still yelling "cooties!" at each other in the schoolyard.

Early on I learned that love is sometimes painful and impossible, in more ways than one. I reached out to other girls who will understand all of my angst and confusion and the catharsis felt wonderful. This dependency never left. Friendships have always felt more hard-earned and more deserving of trust than anything in the world. That is never more true than now, when I'm well past that young age of grand romantic notions and lust. For the opposite sex, I reserve caution and judgment, especially in the early stages of dating. But for my friends, I reserve nothing but affection and generosity, and I hold back nothing.

The hurt I feel when a friend loses touch with me or becomes distant for no reason is comparable to the hurt I feel for unrequited love, although of course I have other friends who will be there for me while that One Guy has slipped away and there is no one to replace him. Still, to me the initial loss feels the same. Unreturned calls and messages. Missed outings with no explanations. I understand those girlfriends who are in committed relationships cannot do girls night out or spend a weekend leisurely having brunch and shopping, but when I place myself in their shoes, I know I would not do the same disappearing act. The amount of time I spend with a guy I balance out with time I spend with friends, and I can do so effortlessly. So yes, I do feel kicked out of your lives. I feel a loss of something special that could've lasted a lifetime, through many guys, kids, tears and triumphs.

Friendships are like romances but different in that you have many opportunities to create and recreate and grow close and draw apart without too many tears in the relationship. I just don't want to be left behind in the dust.

xoxo,
V/J

More living in the city details!

2009-07-01T15:54:00.000-04:00

I just discovered this awesome website www.thefrisky.com The articles are so amusing and are right-on! Some of the things I do or think that I consider strange are actually not so strange after all! Like, for example, during my alone time on a Friday or Saturday night, instead of going out clubbing or drinking with friends, usually I just want to go home, kick off my heels/sneakers, and put on a large comfy old T-shirt. I would turn on my boom-box and dance and bob to the music while organizing my closets, my CD collections, my recipes and old souvenirs and picking hair and dirt off of the carpet so that everything is super neat and clean after a week of work-induced messiness. I would pamper myself by painting my nails or getting a mini-facial and lying down on my bed with a trashy romance novel while the TV is on lightly in the background. I would eat chips and guacamole and watermelon for dinner and then wonder if I should go out and get some fro-yo later. It’s ultimate indulgence and frivolity and girliness. It’s so embarrassing to do this with others around and me-time is so rare once you start living with someone or get married…

Last night I finally got my laptop hooked up to wireless and as much as I hate to admit it, not having access to the internet while you are adjusting to a foreign environment and changed routines really depressed me. I craved connections. I felt cut off from everything and everyone. Hopefully my TV will arrive soon too. I ate a lot last night and felt so full so I took a walk and called up KL to tell him I’ve moved to the city and he actually came out (he lives like 4 blocks from me) and walked around with me at like 11:30PM and we chatted and caught up. See this is one of the best things about living in the center of the city – you are in the thick of it all and everything is at your fingertips – friends, bars, entertainment, food, whatever. When I lived at home after I got home I basically stayed home and I’ve never realized how limiting that was.....

My landlady AS is sweet but she does meddle. She silently observes and plots but she also anticipates my needs and usually accommodates them. I know she comes into my room and she moves things around. I noticed that she replaced my toothbrush cup and she moved my boxes from under the bed to over the closet but strangely, I don’t feel as violated as, say, if my roommate in college had done this. Firstly, I have nothing to hide. Secondly, what she does really doesn’t affect me and I know she is only trying to help, in her own old lady type of way. Thirdly, it is technically her apartment. So it’s almost like having a housekeeper, although I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate being thought of like that.

Anyway, everything has gone smoothly so far. No major annoyances or issues. I don’t have that much stuff so I’m pretty much done ‘settling’ in and since she provides the closest and the bed and pretty much every other big appliance that a girl would need (microwave, TV, lamp, clock, etc.) all I have to bring are my own clothing and toiletries. I think I won’t even need cups and plates and utensils since she has TONS in her cabinets. I do need to get some Chinese-style cooking pots and steamers which I hope to get in Chinatown today. The bed is also comfortable (and big enough for 2!) and my only complaint is that I get woken up at about 6:45AM everyday because of the huge-ass trucks that go by on 2nd avenue so I have to get up and close the freaking window and go back to sleep except I can’t really fall asleep again and the noise is subdued but still there. When will it be hot enough so I can turn on the AC and close the goddamn window??

I went back to the gym today after almost a week long hiatus – which is long for me – and it feels good. I am pretty diligent with exercise but it’s the eating part that is killing me. At home I eat pretty much what my parents cook but in the city it’s like I have the freedom now to eat junk food whenever and in however big portions I want. It’s like the freshman 15 all over again. I try and eat healthy but I eat A LOT – and because of my hypoglycemia not being full and satiated before I go to bed is not even an option because I won’t be able to sleep, period. And I hate that shaky, heart-pounding, neurotic feeling from low blood sugar. So I over-compensate and oh it is SO easy to do that.

Back in the city after 3 years!

2009-06-30T09:45:00.002-04:00

For the first time in my life, I’m living with an animal. A cat. She is black and white with luxurious fur and bright, startled eyes. She is scared of me because I wave random objects at her so she can leave my room. Even when I leave my door slightly ajar, she KICKS OPEN my door to she can come in. I have never seen a cat like her with her eyes – it’s like she’s human and she knows who I am and what I am doing. It’s downright eerie. Thank God she is leaving in two weeks.

I am now living on the corner of 23rd and 2nd in 23 story doorman building with a sweet (if you are on her good side) lady who keeps an exotically decorated apartment all swathed in collection of skulls, random antiques and fabulous 60’s ish décor. Every room and carpet and wall is immaculate because a cleaning lady comes in twice a month. I occupy one of the three fully furnished bedrooms and she is even putting a 32 inch flat screen TV in my room today. My extremely low rent for something like this in the Gramercy area includes cable, electricity, gas, water, wireless, everything you name it. It’s a package deal. She tells me to treat her home like my home and invite my friends over whenever and have dinner parties and use the apartment like it’s my own. Where can you find an apartment in this area in a high-rise doorman building with a REAL bedroom all to myself, a separate kitchen, dining room and living room AND an outside terrace that you can see the Empire State Building from?

Now, I’ve only moved in a day or two so I don’t know just how liberal she is with her guest policy but I know she is a very sociable person and would love to have the company of others. When I first met her, I was a bit iffy because I felt like even though this is an unbelievable deal, I would always feel like a guest in her home and I can’t fully use the apartment as I wish. But she has been sweeping my doubts away little by little and she has been so incredibly sweet and nice. Of course, I am still on my guard and careful to make sure I take our the garbage, leave the bathroom clean, etc. but I am very happy with my new home in the city. My walk to work is only 10 minutes! I’ve also got a Morton Williams supermarket below my building that is open till midnight and numerous bars and restaurants close by on 3rd avenue. I can even walk from Trader Joes!

The only problem I have is that the noise level from 2nd avenue can be annoying at times since I open the window to let air in. The room also smells a bit musty so I have to spray Febreze last night to freshen up. Still, not bothersome enough to really be an issue. In the summer I hope to turn on the AC and close the windows and all will be well. Oh! Also she goes away in the winter to Mexico from December 15th to end of March! Well, she said she is not sure about this winter because of the drug wars and the recession in Mexico but I hope she will ultimately decide on going. Plus we didn’t have a lease or anything (she leaves in a rent-controlled apartment so technically she is not allowed to do this) so I can leave at any time with one month of notice and she can kick me out anytime too at any time, just like she did with a girl who lived in the other bedroom who she just really did not get along with.

I wonder if I can see fourth of July fireworks from my terrace? It does faces the west side…I can’t wait to sit on the terrace, light a candle, drinks some red wine and chitchat!

In other news, I’ve been really really busy for the past week doing all sorts of business. I just booked hotels for Germany. But I really don’t feel like I’m going on vacation soon since I’ve been so busy here with all of these random things. I haven’t felt bored or restless enough to go on vacation. I think I just need to calm down in the next few weeks because I’m so exhausted and drained, in every sense of the word. I can feel like my body is slowly giving up on me and I haven’t had the energy or desire to go the gym, which rarely happens. Now that I’m living by myself, I will need to pay more attention to getting groceries, making meals, budgeting expenses and minding my social activities. It’s not like I haven’t lived in the city before – I’ve dormed for 4 years! – but it’s different to have your own room and to have a day job and not live with friends. Adult life starts now.

Speed Dating Virgin Experience

2009-06-26T11:14:00.000-04:00

After a long and exhausting day at work and beyond I headed to Katra Lounge for my first ever speed dating event.

It was awesome.

I didn’t make any love connections per se but the whole experience was delightful. I felt a glow as I left the lounge (part of that has to do with how hot I looked in my designer dress too haha). There were 7 guys, 7 guys and 8 minutes each. The girls ‘held court’ while the guys rotated from seat to seat. It was a little weird before we began because it felt so structured but like the organizer reminded us with her pre-game pep talk, you never know who the person you meet might know, and so on. It’s just always better to expand your social network because you never know where that might lead.

So, feeling cool and collected, I put on a straight face and sat down to greet my first suitor. There were a pair of artsy-looking twins (one of which was the only guy who I said ‘yes’ to on my card so we’ll see), a Polish physical therapist (who I accidentally dissed when I told him I am seeing a physical therapist right and they get paid very little. Oops!), and a sex addict who worked at Goldman and AllianceBernstein (we went from talking about socks to ‘what is your favorite sexual position?’). Those were the memorable ones. I giggled with A and AA, two brave gals who came with me, after we finished the event, feeling like a high school girl who just played spin the bottle. What fun!

I have to say this though that looks are one thing but personality is definitely another. I think a lot of the guys I met were average to good-looking but once the conversation started the chemistry is just there…or not. Maybe it’s hard for an ice queen like me to initiate chemistry, but I am not willing to settle for anything less. I know what it feels like to walk on air and smile at nothing and everything all day because of a certain Mister in the back of your mind. But on the other hand, I can’t say that chemistry is ever instant for me, because if TZ were at the speed dating event, I probably would have written him off. When I first met him, I thought next to nothing of him. It was only through constant contact and seeing him day after day that feelings develop. So if nothing else, this teaches me to have more of an open mind than I would normally be comfortable with.

I said yes to only one guy because we had a great conversation; it just so happens that he was the only guy who had a physical defect (something wrong with his eyes). I can overlook that for a great personality, and some girls can’t. It’s just a matter of where your priorities lie. The whole event was very classy and low-key and I think next time I go I will really just chill and go with the flow. If I can do sober speed dating while hungry and tired but STILL have fun who knows what’ll happen with a beer or two. =)

Germany in Exactly. ONE. Month.

2009-06-24T15:52:00.005-04:00

Il Viaggio Numero Due Giulio 2009:

Germany & Salzburg!!!

Day 1: Frankfurt to Wurzburg.

Wurzburg Residenz

Day 2: Wurzburg to Rothenberg (Romantic Road).

Day 3: Munich.

Day 4: Neuschwanstein and Hohenschwangau fairy tale castles.

Neuschwanstein castle

Day 5: Salzburg, Austria.

Day 6: Munich, Dachau Concentration Camp, &/or Regensberg

Dachau concentration camp

Day 7: Munich to Nuremberg.

Change of Plans

2009-06-21T16:11:00.004-04:00

I've had a lot to think about the past two days. I really don't know what to do anymore. I have questions running through my head over and over and over again. I've laid on my bed turning over conversations, scattered thoughts and tidbits of personal history, all of them leading nowhere.

This is nothing new, but I have received some new and startling information recently that is forcing me to re-evaluate my plans. I shouldn't compare myself to other people. But I hate being left back. I hate being left out of anything. I know everyone has their own life plans, their own approach to living life, but as unconventional as I put myself out to be, I am old-fashioned at heart. And I am not satisfied right now. Maybe I will never be satisfied, but that's not a reason to not keep trying to find that happiness.

And so no matter what, I think I will continue plugging away. Eventually I will get there. I know I will. I am impatient but the great thing about that is that in my universe, things change on a dime.

Lovin' This Salad and More Vampires

2009-06-17T14:53:00.005-04:00

I’ve been trying very hard to eat a healthy salad everyday for lunch. There is a salad bar in our building that is very cheap and has plenty of options. I’m getting into a good routine where I get the following (VERY healthy) mixture: spinach, tofu, eggs, red peppers, broccoli, tomatoes, mushroom, half an avocado, sun-dried tomatoes, 4 stuffed olives, green peas, corn, papaya (or some other fruit like pineapple or mango), red onions, shredded carrots and cucumbers. My dressing is just red wine vinegar. Notice it’s all veggies. No meats, no cheese, no heavy sauces. Just raw fresh cut veggies.

I’ve been having this salad pretty much 3 or 4 times a week for the past two weeks, and I feel absolutely fabulous after I eat it. If I eat like this for a few months, I think my health will make a huge turnaround: in terms of my heart palpitations, blood sugar problems and energy levels. The problem is sticking to it, because it can get boring and I crave more sugary things like brownies and more processed foods like chips. But once I start digging into it it’s very tasty and it takes a long time to eat which I always love. My skin is definitely benefiting from this diet – it’s smoother and glowing. My mood is also pretty stable lately. But maybe that’s just cause I’m in the first two weeks of my cycle and my estrogen levels are high which gives me that natural lift. I’ve been pinpointing those dates that I’ve felt really bad emotionally and physically and without exception, they all occur at or during the two weeks before I get my period. I had that meltdown at the hospital and then at my doctor’s office and it’s amazing they both occurred at about 14 or 15 days before my period, which according to medical literature is the point where I start ovulating. That time is also when paradoxically I feel most attractive, and notice guys checking me out and staring at me on the street and subway even when I’m not wearing anything special or makeup or anything. So hormones definitely affect me a lot more than it had in the past (when I had no hormones levels to speak of), and I think this steady diet of daily veggies and fats will be excellent for maintaining that cycle.

I love True Blood so much I feel like I’ve discovered a whole new world that has been living parallel to me that I never knew existed. It’s exciting and tantalizing and gives me something to get pumped and all giggly-silly-happy about when my life is pretty tame these days. Always love having that feeling of addiction and infatuation, no matter what/who it’s about! =) I’ve been joining a lot of fan-sites, listening to blog talk radio discussions, watching and re-watching the episodes religiously, buying and devouring all True-Blood related magazines, and daydreaming/night-dreaming about Bill and Sookie, essentially reliving their scenes. I’ve created this new blog called TruBloodTastesGood that will give reviews and thoughts on each episode, as well as other reactions and news and tidbits that I can get my hands on. The sad thing is that I’m doing this not to gain readership or followers or anything but really to just put down my thoughts SOMEWHERE and share it with the world because I’m just bursting with things to say and share and rave about. I’m really hoping that at some point I can meet some True Blood lovers in NYC because it seems like only one of my friends like this show! Sad, but true! How awful is it to love something so much but not being able to share it with your friends and family because they don’t really understand it?

This is sort of dorky but I just love how this brings out so much creative energy in me as I learn about production and set design through the audio commentaries and listen to the crew’s panel discussion and READING THE SOOKIE STACKHOUSE BOOKS! I’m only on Book 1 but already I can feel my passion for writing and creating stories revving up again. I am simply DYING to write a vampire action/love story because I know so much about them and there are so many ways I can take this. I’ve been also writing so much everyday about my life and about True Blood and even though some of the writing is not structured or crafted towards any goal, consistent and prolific writing and reading is the food on which truly good writing rests on. So this lays a great foundation.

Bill Quote of the Day:
“Sookie is mine!” - (growls with that deep Southern drawl).
Delicious.

In other news, my Egypt plans fell through and while it’s not all that unexpected, it was a huge letdown. When it’s too good to be true, it usually is. But being the trooper that I am, I immediately did some re-org and fast turnaround and now planning to switch my dates to Egypt/Turkey to October (when it’s cooler and not coinciding with Ramadan) and going to Munich, Bavaria and Salzburg at the end of July. It’ll be so freaking expensive but I’m sooooo excited I’ll be packing vacation clothing and getting on the plane (I LOVE airports and long plane rides) and touching my feet down in interesting, beautiful and charming places like the fairy-tale “Romantic Road” of Germany. I’ll be seeing some castles and little villages and wineries and lots of museums as well as the birthplace of Mozart!!!!! Haven’t bought my tickets yet but pretty sure this will go down – I MUST get out of the city soon or I will go nuts! Although I will miss watching my True Blood episode on that Sunday =( Very, very sad, I hope it’ll be some stupid Eric-centric episode cause I don’t mind missing out on Eric (who will come in between Sookie and Bill), and not the vampire orgy episode I’ve been dying to see! LOL.

Let’s leave you with a delicious Bill and Sookie moment in Bill’s house on the piano. Yes, he plays the piano too ahhhhhh perfect perfect man (uh, vampire) !!!

True Blood

2009-06-15T12:35:00.002-04:00

There is something about a vampire that is irresistible.

Sunday nights for the next 3 months will become the new highlight of my week. Last night we went out for dinner at Dish and I was literally hopping on my feet and barking at the waitress to hurry up our bill while I made a mad dash home for the Season 2 premiere of True Blood.

I haven’t felt this way for so long. It feels like I’m falling in love again. That hazy high of infatuation, those tugs at your heartstrings that makes things in your chest go all aflutter, that spring in your step, that heightened sense of anticipation and yearning – it’s all there. Oh, it feels so so good. It’s like a low dosage of drugs running through my blood, keeping me sane and in a happy dreamy state of connectedness.

Bon Temps. William Thomas Compton. Sookie Stackhouse. These are names I did not even know the meaning of one week ago. And now, I’ve already pledged to name my firstborn daughter Sookie. I called my cable company on Sunday and got HBO and already watched the first season on DVD twice – with and without commentary. I ran to Barnes & Noble and bought the first book Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris on which this series is based. I am utterly, crazily, and unapologetically a fan of Bill and Sookie, and I don’t even know what more I can do to get closer to the story, to BE a part of that world. I am considering a career in film. Production, direction, set designs, costume and makeup and acting – how fun would it be to go to work everyday and be part of a TV show or a movie? How fun would it be to work in an industry that produces a piece of entertainment (not evil and boring reports)? Oh my god. I think I am serious.

I always fall for a couple. I think what happens is that I live vicariously through the girl. The chemistry between Bill and Sookie can burn a hole through metal. It will make you wet your pants. Who doesn’t want chemistry like that in real life? After watching the DVDs the first time, I found out that the main characters played by Stephen Moyer and Anna Paquin are a real-life couple who were first attracted to each other during auditions. That really sent me over the top. I just had to re-watch their moments again to detect what is real and what is not, and it is so delicious to think that their acting is enhanced by their true love for each other, or vice versa. I wonder if in real life their chemistry is as sizzling as it is onscreen. Can real life ever be as fantastical as it is on screen? The fact that they are dating gives me hope that it can. I just love it when fiction and truth are mixed, as if that makes the possibility of escaping reality that much higher.

From L.J. Smith Nightworld series to Buffy the Vampire Slayer (the TV show) to Twilight (the books) and now True Blood, it’s been a lifelong fatal attraction to vampires. Morgead and Jez (me!). Quinn and Rashel. Ash and Mary-Lynette. Thierry and Hannah. Buffy and Angel. Buffy and Spike. Damon and Elena. Edward and Bella. Bill and Sookie. I can recite these names even after years of not encountering them because they have left such deep impressions on me. They have formed my childhood and adolescence.

What do you think of when you come across the word vampire? Dracula – red white fangs, pointed ears and a cape? Bats? Honey, no. The vampires in my world are beings with silvery light eyes, pale skin and ethereal beauty. They move lightning fast, can kill with a flick of finger and have supernatural powers to attract their prey. They are quiet, lethal and unemotional. So when they fall in love with a human girl, who is all warm and weak and fragile in comparison, the soft gets mixed in with the hard, and this crazy beautiful dangerous love is fostered against all odds. That’s what gets me everytime.

I’ll be writing a synopsis and review for each True Blood episode on Sunday nights. This is really inspiring me to switch my writing genre to vampire romance fantasy. It’s about time I create an Edward Cullen/Bill Compton of my own.

Jittery-ness

2009-06-10T18:06:00.000-04:00

The thing I learned is that you have to maintain a center of gravity in yourself. There has got to be parts of you that cannot be shaken no matter what the external circumstances are. For many people, it is the knowledge that God loves you. I cannot relate to that. My problem is that I have a weak core; instead of believing arbitrarily that I am good enough, I validate my worth solely through the eyes of others. I’m super sensitive to my environment (physically and emotionally) and the more sensitive I am, the more people tiptoe around me, which frustrates me exceedingly. The only time that I have reached that strong inner sense of self was during those few months abroad in Singy. I marveled at how much I didn’t care about trivial things, that I was able to look at people in the eye and not flinch from whatever it is I see in there. I was confident, adventurous, head over heels in love and spontaneous. More than anything, I miss that part of myself, that part that I left when I left Singy. Maybe I have to separate myself from home to rediscover her.

That was the self-analytical portion of today’s entry. Now moving on to more concrete updates. The walls on my entire floor were repainted a warm mellow beige color (changed from a drab dirty dark green) the past weekend and I am loving it! Extraordinarily!

- Last Tuesday I went to my first PwC alumni event at Cipriani and it was absolutely fantastic. The food? Unlimited sushi and sashimi prepared fresh by chefs dressed up in traditional Japanese clothing + dozens and dozens of freshly cooked entrees from lamb, beef, smoked salmon, caviar, everything delicious under the sun and appetizers passed around the room and omg omg omg. This was the best, highest quality buffet I’ve ever had in my life. And it was OPEN. BAR. Top shelf liquor. I had my first Bellini – pink sparkling rose champagne. Ahh, bubbles I love you.

- Starting physical therapy this week. I’m kind of scared at what they will do to me. I’m spending shitloads of money on seeing doctors for my tailbone injury. To think – if only I had worn boots that icy day in March, I could’ve spared myself so much misery and time off at work and money and missed gym time.

- Drama with some friends. Why can’t people just get along? Why are people flakes? These are questions that will probably never be answered as long as we all shall live.

- I took a cardio video dance class last night. The last time I took a dance class was over a year ago. Humbled me to no end. I am not exaggerating when I say I looked like I was in seizure for most of the class. But the people who got it right looked so hot dancing to Pussycat Dolls. I kind of just wanted to look and not dance because it was too embarrassing to go on. This was way too advanced for me, but pretty fun now that I think about it.

- Might be going to Egypt with AC!!!!! Ok, trying not to get too excited and crazy with planning in case plans fall through…...crossing my fingers this is not just all a hullabaloo for nothing. Also a trip with the folks in October, hopefully I can convince them to do the Romantic Road in Germany and Salzburg, Austria.

- I finally bought True Blood Season 1 DVD! Oh no, this is totally going to sabotage my GMAT studying plans…

- Visited Washington Irving’s Sunnyside home and Lyndhurst last weekend. That wraps up Hudson Valley. Newport, Rhode Island next!

- My upper molar tooth has been hurting like hell. It’s not a toothache – it’s nerve pain and it’s so painful my eyes would tear up. This has been keeping me up at night, waking me up every hour, and I think at some point next week I am going to have to face up to the fact that I need a root canal. The idea of having a nerve cut (no matter where it is) freaks the hell out of me. Also, the worst thing is I might have to take out my braces for my root canal!!!

- I joined yelp in June 2008 but never really participated until recently. I’m really building up a community there and reviewing everything and everywhere I go, and I know it’s dorky but I’m really proud of my reviews. :) Go visit me here.

- I’ve been really sick the past week with a cold and it’s been just ravaging my lungs. I have this weird cough now that sounds really scary. If you want people to part ways for you in the subway, stick behind me. When am I going to get better???

Summer trip: $2500
October trip: $2500
Ambulance/hospital fees: $2500
Pay back PwC overdraft: $1500
Root canal: $300
Physical therapy + rehab: $500
Jaw Surgery next year: $40,000

Me: Broke.

Possible Rejection

2009-06-04T12:30:00.001-04:00

I’m feeling a bit rejected. =( And dejected. I don’t know, it just really bothers me when someone judges you and finds you lacking or not a ‘good fit’ for whatever you are trying to get into. It hurts less if it’s a college application or a job interview, because there are factors such as experience and education and office politics that you have no control over. It hurts much more, however, if it’s a social club or network you are trying to get into and you cannot get ‘in.” Then it becomes personal.

This was why, years ago, when I ‘rushed’ for a popular social sorority and got an invitation to join, I was so overjoyed to be accepted that I decided to go ahead and pledge without really being physically or mentally prepared for the ordeal. Ever since 7th grade, I’ve had this yearning for ‘entry’ and then whenever I got in, whatever it is I got into would lose a bit of that spark. Like I said to EL, this also happens with guys I like. Is this a bad case of low self-esteem? “If I can get into it, then it must not be THAT special or cool.” It might be that, or it might be that despite the fact that I want people to open their arms to me, I do not want the pressure of doing the same for others. Or it might be that I am a glutton for punishment and I want a challenge. I think it might be a mix of all three.

Nevertheless, knowing what makes me tick does not make the sting hurt any less.

Korean Fried Chicken, Congee and Barbeque Weekend

2009-06-01T15:10:00.002-04:00

Wow, hear about that Air France jumbo jet that disappeared mid-air today?? This is like the first episode of “Lost” in real life.

I feel like I’m in this constant brain fog. I can stare at something blankly for a long time and have no reactions. Life is not ‘sharp’ in bright colors and shapes and movement. Just tiredness? Hypoglycemia? Paranoia? I really hate it when people ridicule or brush aside my health issues. I know I have a lot of problems, some self-induced and some not, but this is the one thing in my life I take very seriously. So please respect me on this at least.

On Saturday night, I went to see Tony and Tina’s wedding, this off-broadway ‘experience’ in which the audience is part of a big fake Italian wedding as the wedding guests. All of the actors are in character throughout the experience, and their acting was pretty natural and hilarious to watch. However, I don’t think it was really worth $50, for that money I would rather see a TKTS Broadway show like Wicked or Little Mermaid. I really want to see Wicked!!!!! (note to self: add this to my summer plans). I tried out the new Times Square with all the closed off traffic areas and I was so horrified seeing how it was - it just didn't feel right. It totally ruins Times Square. But I almost saw Obama!!! Apparently Barack and Michelle Obama are in NY the past weekend watching a broadway show and eating at Blue Hill. There were huge crowds hoping to see him around the street where the police cars were blocking off the entrance. I chilled in one of the chairs for a little while and did some GMAT studying. And I got to see this guy propose to this girl through one of the billboards in Times Square - it was sooo cute! (How did he get to do that anyway?? How much would it cost?)

After the show, I also tried the Korean bonchon chicken for the first time on the 2nd floor of this place called Mad for Chicken? Are you serious (about the name)? It’s so not…Korean. I don’t understand how people find these places, or how they get customers, because there is no sign and it’s kind of ghetto walking up the staircase like you’re going to someone’s apartment except the door opens and you’re in a cool lounge-y space with a futuristic looking full bar. It’s amazing because they must have used word of mouth to do a lot of the marketing initially. The chicken was okay (apparently it’s fried twice to get the oil out but it tasted pretty oily to me) and I think I still prefer Popeyes. Actually, I think I prefer my mom’s chicken even more. It’s just not the same. However, it’s still a pretty cool place to get dinner and a drink (or just a drink) and drink soju and feast on all sorts of Asian delicacies. The lychee soju was excellent, if a bit light. Plus – did I mention it’s Korean?

I also love the little daisy (?) flowers they give you along with the soju, I tucked one behind my ear and felt so pretty. I love it when I get the most attention on the subway. Except this guy who got off at my station kept staring at me again and again and it was really creepy because it was very late and we were the only two people walking down the street.

On Sunday I was beat. I was tired upon waking but dragged myself to Chinatown to get congee with the girls. I love Chinatown in the mornings – so full of energy, bustling activity and the smell of freshly baked pastries. GK got a full chestnut cake and I was so jealous. I was so annoyed I had to go to Borders and leave Chinatown or else I could’ve gotten some groceries and headed straight home. I ended up lingering in Borders for too long and spacing out because I was so tired and hypo. Borders is really quiet and relaxing on weekends, so inadvertently I discovered a new potential place to study in. Then I realized I still needed to get groceries so I took the subway back to Union Square and stopped by Trader Joe’s. I didn’t have my blackberry with me that day and it was strange not knowing the time, but I loved how liberating it was. We let the clock dictate our eating patterns, sleeping patterns and work patterns way too much. When you just let your energy and hunger and attention drive you, you might discover new things about yourself.
So I finally finished at TJ’s and by then I was carrying probably 20 pounds of stuff with me, with all of my books and groceries and newspapers. But I must get home for the barbeque!

So dad got a barbeque grill the other day and we decided to have guests over to barbeque on Sunday. Of course, I was super-eager to learn and prepare the best barbeque ever, and in the process stress myself out. But it turned out WONDERFULLY. I can’t believe how fun barbequing is, minus the smoke-in-the-eyes. I grilled drumsticks, wings, sweet potatoes, beef patties, pork chops, mushrooms, peppers, onions and corn cobs. Then mom made some traditional northern Chinese bean thread noodle salad and spaghetti, along with okra and collard greens. Finally, we had watermelon and cheesecake. Wow, a lot of food!!! Not to mention all of the ketchup, barbeque sauces, spicy sauces and mustard we used. It felt really rewarding to see your food go from raw to cooked – the most ancient form of cooking, right? I mean, the Neanderthals probably did the same. Man discovered fire and started “grilling” right away. I still have so much to learn about grilling but it’s actually much easier and more fun than I expected.

Confirming Suspicions

2009-05-29T11:48:00.001-04:00

OMG – this is happening again. I took a One-A-Day Weight Smart multivitamin with my normal big breakfast and then an Advil. I am experiencing heavy nausea and my fingers and toes are literally blue from lack of blood circulation. I am light-headed and my limbs tremble from weakness. I think some of it might be low blood sugar problems, so I have a bag of apple cinnamon chips, and I feel a bit better. I check the small print on the multivitamin bottle: “This product contains about as much caffeine as a cup of coffee.” Um, okay, THAT explains all of the nausea/shakiness symptoms I’ve been getting EVERYTIME I take this multivitamin. I can no longer accept caffeine as well as I used to. The strongest thing I can take is green tea. I am tossing this multivitamin out along with Endocet.

I got an MRI yesterday for my hip area. Then I went to Dr. Racco’s to review my extensive blood work which I did back in February. It was actually very interesting to discover/confirm things about myself:

1.I am definitely hypoglycemic. I did a 3 hour glucose tolerance test. My fasting blood sugar level was 79. One hour after I drank a 100g of pure glucose (sugar) drink, my blood sugar only rose to 83. One hour later, it dropped down to 70. And then one hour after that, it was 51! 40 is about the amount that your brain shuts down and you become unconscious. Then it’s a toss-up whether you get brain damage and die. The worst part is, I did not FEEL ANYTHING during this test. This means that those instances in the past when I DID feel shaky, anxious and had major heart palpitations, I was near the borderline of complete doom. My insulin production is too much and it takes too much sugar out of my bloodstream and stores it in cells for energy. Translation for real life: makes me ravenous and gain weight easily. My body is not efficient anymore at burning fat. It only knows to grab onto any glucose for fuel. Then when I don’t use up that energy, it gets converted to fat. It knows all too well how to hoard and store. But of course, beyond this problem lies a bigger problem, which is that hypoglycemia is sometimes a precursor to diabetes. My insulin is working super-well (too well) right now, but this tires the system out and in maybe a few decades, it will become more and more resistant to glucose. I know where I got hypoglycemia from. I know I did it to myself. I never had this problem before…

2. I am HIGHLY allergic to shrimp. I knew that, but whoa. I am also moderately allergic to cockroaches. Hmmmm….And I am mildly allergic to various trees and grass like mugwort, walnut trees, Bermuda grass. Food-wise, I am mildly allergic to wheat and egg-whites. Surprisingly, I am NOT allergic to clams. Neither am I allergic to soybeans and nuts. They only did tests on some popular allergens, but I am sure if they tested for various fruits, I would be allergic to some (probably bananas and strawberries). There is a difference, however, between allergy and food intolerance. Food intolerance includes lactose intolerance and celiac disease (which requires gluten-free diet). I am not allergic to milk, but I am intolerant to it, meaning I will get stomach upset and nausea, etc. I don’t want to get too technical, but the bodily reactions from allergens and intolerable foods are different. Suffice to say, food intolerances cause suffering and inconveniences but are not deadly. I also have extremely high (through the roof, actually) level of this IGE protein in my body that responds to the allergens in my environment. This means that I am very sensitive to my environment and responsive to even little amounts of the allergens. (My mom quipped: “you are not only sensitive to people, you are also sensitive to things!”) True. I think everyone should go out and take an allergy test not because it is fun (but it is) to know more about yourself but because reducing the amount of allergens you come in contact with will reduce the amount of inflammation in your body. Also, every time you react to a certain allergen, the next time will be even more severe.

3. My cholesterol is a bit high by that’s because my “good” cholesterol is really high and my bad cholesterol is really low. Yippee, I feel so healthy. But I should be, I’m only 24!

4. I have elevated liver enzymes…hmm, this makes me worry a bit, why do Asians always have some kind of problem with their livers?

5. My hormones are all okay. Yay!

All in all, this gives me plenty to think about.

Chuck Bass in Real Life

2009-05-28T14:46:00.001-04:00

I wish it would just arrive already. When something is truly painful for me, I don’t talk about it. I don’t write about it. I just struggle. It is the last thing I think about before I go to sleep and the first thing I think about when I wake. It is my demon. And I am no angel.

Last night was also the first night in my life that I remember I actually LOST sleep over something. When people say they “lose sleep” over this or that, I pooh-pooh it because I did not understand how that is possible. But last night I got a taste of how it feels to wake up in the middle of the night and not be able to fall back asleep because I keep turning this nagging problem over and over again in my head. I hope this does not become a habit.

Last night was Streetwise mentoring session – the first one I’m actually attending – and met my mentee AF who I have high hopes for. I made her promise not to drop out, like my last one did. Yesterday was not a good day for me in terms of energy level, which affected my looks too. I had this gigantic guacamole/salsa thing in the morning that unbeknownst to me was probably a 9 on the scale of 1-10 in terms of spiciness. But it was oh-so-good, so I had it with lots of little pita breads. Sometime during this jovial little exercise in doing Mexican for breakfast I chose to wipe my eyes with my jalapeno-stained hands. For the rest of the day my eyes were itchy-water-stinging mess.

This leads nicely into my next comment on this guy who we shall call AR who LOOKS AND ACTS EXACTLY LIKE CHUCK BASS. Correction: he is 1,000,000 hotter than Chuck Bass, and that is not even taking into consideration the possibility that he is r-i-c-h. I kid you not. I think I mentioned him in one of my previous posts, as I had met him a few months ago at another Streetwise social event. Now he is one of the program’s “officers” so he is in my face (figuratively speaking) all the time since I hang with the rest of the officers more than I used to.

My lordie oh lord! Sing to the heavens! He is eye candy that can feed a starving African nation. I am going sound as cheesy as hell, but he exudes sensuality and he has – yes- bedroom eyes. When he smiles it’s not a smile – it’s a siren’s come-hither call. His face is absolutely perfection. I haven’t seen his body yet but I don’t care. Now, the question is: why do men like that exist? To torture those of us with the unattainable? But wait…hold your horses. If Hugh Jackman’s wife looks like this and Pierce Brosnan’s wife looks like this, then all is not lost.

Slow Metabolism

2009-05-26T12:24:00.001-04:00

This proves that I have a very slow metabolism. Remember that one Endocet pill I took last Wednesday? It’s still giving me drowsiness and dry mouth. I’m sure there are remnants of it trapped in my cells. The same thing happened with Flexeril. I have a sluggish digestive system. My body loves to retain water and slow to flush out anything.

On Thursday I went to see my physician assistant (NOT my usual doctor) who was a complete moron. Frustrated, I started sobbing hysterically and couldn’t stop; I don’t know if my hormones are whack or I saw her as my end-and-and-be-all answer to my pain and she wasn’t giving me the help I needed. The receptionist was nice at first but then kicked me out of the office.
“Lady, you have to go. You have to leave and go home. You need to CALM DOWN.” Who, me, being branded as one of those crazy people making a spectacle out of themselves? Who would’ve thunk I would go so low…it was just one of those moments where I feel sorry for myself, angry at the PA for her incompetence and at myself for injuring myself yet AGAIN, and scared I did some permanent damage to my bone/nerves and I wasn’t getting the medical attention I so desperately wanted.

Almost exactly one year ago, I tripped and fell onto the pavement on my way to Goldman Sachs building. My knees were bloodied up and sprained, of course. I went to the ER and got a cast and limped around in pain for a few weeks. I wasn’t able to run the JPMorgan Chase Challenge in June. I just looked at my calendar: JPMorgan Chase Challenge 2009 is in two weeks. Déjà vu? Should I slap myself silly?

Over the past weekend: had dinner again at my beloved Souen restaurant with AA this time, saw movie Easy Virtue (Jessica Biel/Colin Firth), dinner with WL and others at Marseille and road trips up to Hudson Valley to see the mansions (Kykuit is beautiful), plus some studying and TV catching up (the Bachelorette just started! Not a fan of Jillian though…) I also saw an Inconvenient Truth for the first time, which is such an awesome documentary and completely freaked me out, even though I am already pretty environmentally aware. You would think that with the running and resistance training cut out (which takes a major chunk of my free time) I would have been super efficient, but instead I felt sluggish and bloated from inactivity which actually reduced my productivity. I miss the running at Prospect Park on Saturday mornings :::so sad::: I don’t miss Central Park so much just because it takes so long to get up there and the group isn’t as intimate, although the views and roads are definitely more interesting. I think IF and WHEN I take up running again (cross my fingers!), I will spend Tuesday trainings at Owl’s Head Park or along Shore Road near my house, which is just a challenging course as any in either of the other parks.

I also did some cooking over the weekend – garlic steamed clams and Moroccan couscous with chicken and vegetables. I bought $2.50 bag of fresh black clams and cooked them with black bean sauce, garlic, sugar and beer (Chinese style). Then I also cooked the whole-wheat Moroccan couscous with the special spices I got from Morocco, plus chicken, carrots, sweet peas, chickpeas, fire-roasted tomatoes, onions, garlic and raisins. I also drizzled the couscous with the argan oil from Morocco mixed with some extra-virgin olive oil, and the result got an A across the board from the judges. Success!

So back to the pain. I got a deep tissue massage on Wednesday, reflexology treatment on Thursday, plenty of rest and sleep over the holiday weekend, AND daily stretching exercises to loosen up the muscle. Did it help? A big fat no. It’s been a week and the pain is as intense and pervasive as when it first began. The PA prescribed Celebrex, which is an anti-inflammatory medication used to treat arthritis and back pain and such, but I’ve been scared to take it knowing my history of adverse drug reactions. I’ve been taking regular Ibuprofen instead, and it helps just a little. What else can I do?? I’ve made an appointment with a sports medicine/physical therapy doctor for next week, I think she is the only hope I have. Whatever they diagnose, they will still turn me towards physical therapy anyway, so I might as well get a head start. I am so bummed out that just as the weather is turning nice and beautiful, perfect for outdoor activities like picnics and running and tennis, I become incapacitated!!! What gives???

A Lesson Learned: the hard way

2009-05-21T12:54:00.002-04:00

Misery.

Part I of this drama: I should probably start off with my run on Tuesday. We had practice in Central Park and I ran about a mile before my left buttocks and pelvis area began to cramp severely. I stubbornly forged on for a few more steps than I should have and finally stopped. The pain felt so bad tears came to my eyes and I limped haltingly from the park back to the store where all our bags were stored. It’s been almost 48 hours and the pain is still as sharp as it had been when I first got injured.

I have been experiencing problems with this area for some time now, and my tailbone injury never really healed completely. I remember a 3 mile run I did on the treadmill soon after I got back from Morocco and my side was so stiff and cramped I struggled with getting up and down stairs for DAYS. Then last week, in the name of training, I did about 12 miles altogether. 3.5 on Tuesday, 3.5 on Friday and 5 on Saturday. After my 5 miles on Saturday (which drained me completely) my side started hurting in earnest. I should’ve listened to my body before I went running on Tuesday. I just wanted to keep up and I felt guilty about missing practice. And now what? Now I’m left with a mysterious sharp, deep pain that won’t go away. I can’t run. I can’t even walk properly. It reminds me of those days not so long ago when my tailbone injury had me limping around for a few weeks. How long will I be put out of commission? Can I continue with LLS this season? I highly doubt it. If not, I will shoot for the next season. It’s hard not to feel like a failure, but sometimes I have to just admit defeat – for now – in my neverending battle with my body. I seriously have a masochistic side to me, I wonder if my secret unconscious desire is to completely destroy myself in self hatred. I know, a bit violent, but you can’t help not thinking like that when so many things have happened to make me feel this way.

Part II of this drama: I’ve been feeling rundown since Monday (when I spent a day fixing up a community center as part of a volunteer project) and Tuesday bought the whole running debacle, so on Wednesday morning as I bit my lips raw and limped to work, I wasn’t feeling so hot either. I woke up with a splitting headache and everything seemed to be hurting so I figured, hey, why not take some Percocet. BIG BAD IDEA. REMINDER TO SELF: NEVER TAKE NARCOTICS AT WORK!!!!!!! I must be retarded. After I took it, let’s just say all of the worst side effects on the warning labels hit: dizziness, extreme nausea and acid reflux, wooziness, shakiness and drowsiness. After about 2 hours of sitting at my desk in numbed feeling-like-shit mode, I couldn’t take it anymore and went to the nurse’s office, where I laid down for more than an hour. It helped – a lot. Which goes to show that when you take Percocet, you do so AT HOME, where you have the luxury to sleep, to throw up wherever, and to act like a spacey idiot. I went back to work, and ate a sandwich, then promptly felt extremely nauseous again. I almost threw up at my desk. I put my head down. I felt better, then decided to go out for a walk. Felt nauseous and shaky again. At one point I crawled into this little abandoned staircase in the lobby and huddled for a bit to calm myself down.

It was my first time taking this generic Percocet drug called Endocet. In the past I’ve taken Percocet but under the name Oxycodone, which I think is WAY better suited for my body than Endocet. They say it’s all the same, but I did some research and a lot of people actually have complained that they feel different on Endocet versus Oxycodone. Needless to say I will never take Endocet ever again, not at work, not at home, not ever. I am tossing it out.

After work, I decided to go get a massage to loosen up the pain in my left side and hopefully remove the toxins out of my body faster. I went to this Asia Tui-Na center near work which was pretty awesome. She worked my buttocks really thoroughly (this sounds wrong, but you know what I mean). It made my nausea subside a bit, but after I got on my bus to go home, I started getting carsick (which I never get) and felt like barfing so bad. I got home and fell asleep for about 2 hours. Then I got up, had dinner, took some Pepto Bismal and fell asleep at 11PM which is super early for me to go to sleep. It’s pretty obvious that the drug is slow to come out of my system, and even today I feel not completely “there.” I am slow to react, still sleepy even though I had a lot of sleep, and cannot concentrate. This drug is sort of like Flexeril, that muscle relaxant I took that knocked me out for 3 days. I hated it.

So if I hadn’t killed myself running, I wouldn’t have taken Endocet, I would have been much more productive yesterday and today (went to my Streetwise session, studied for GMAT, went to my kickboxing classes) and I would’ve avoided all this pain and distress on myself. A lesson learned indeed.

Resilence

2009-05-19T17:48:00.002-04:00

Today is a downer.

Feeling really low.

Set backs. Letdowns. Disappointments. Illusions broken. Are these what people have to go through to become great? Is this what they mean when they say the “power of resilience?” I’ve been thinking about that word a lot: resilience. It is so hard to face rejection and blow after blow of mind numbing doors shutting in your face, and remain optimistic and positive amidst it all. We hear all these stories in the news about how so-and-so started his/her own company or discovered a new cure for a disease or published best selling novel, and we feel good and fuzzy reading about all of the accomplishments and accolades showered on these people. We get inspired, no doubt. But what about those countless shadows in the background of life who are struggling, and continue to struggle against the grain? What about those hours and hours of hard work and research, some yielding no results, and everyday ups and downs through the course of their journeys?

I’m not a particularly resilient person. I am a sheet in the wind, fragility in my bones. When do I recognize that something is not worth it? When do I forge ahead, knowing that the journey is part of the reward? Who is there to guide me, to know me well enough to say to me: stop, go on, you will succeed, you had better re-think. I think rejection is the hardest to handle, personally. To know that you’ve given it your all – and to have those efforts brushed aside – is truly humbling and defeating. Where to find the strength to get through that?

Bring it On

2009-05-15T17:03:00.002-04:00

I gave a knockout presentation today in a global conference call in which all of the global entities report their P&L results to headquarters in Zurich. I surprised even myself at how not nervous I was, how steady my voice was and how concise I made the presentation. I’m giving myself a big pat on my back!

Tuesday night I went running in Central Park for the first time. A huge group showed up, but luckily we got broken up into smaller groups that focused on certain events and I got to meet some people. There was a sizable amount of PwC people there which brought out a certain nostalgia in me. It was 1.7 miles per loop, and I *think* I did two loops, although I’m still not sure whether I did two or three. I probably did two, which adds up to 3.4 miles, because my exertion would be much higher if I had done 5.1 miles. Running is really funny. Even as I huffed and puffed at about halfway through, I started small-talking to a guy next to me and my tiredness level dropped, literally, like 75%. (So is all the pain in my head?!) And he wasn’t even that cute. Okay, now imagine I’m at mile 19 and ready to stab myself in my foot so I can bleed a slow and painful death rather than keep going another 7 miles. Robert Pattinson, Brad Pitt AND Christian Bale show up to cheer me on. Sign me up for another 10 miles, baby! But since this scenario is unlikely to happen, I need to train hard, HARD. As in, this-summer-I-have-no-life-besides-running-fundraising-and-GMAT studying hard.

After running we stretched and the Credit Suisse team (5 including me) went to Blondie’s Bar with our mentor AM. They had wings + beer. I had water. I can’t stomach the thought of eating bad foods after a run. I’ve always had problems with speaking up in a group, especially with people I don’t know well who seem out of my league (i.e. the kind of people I don’t normally hang out with or would approach), and this is not the first time, nor will it be the last. I’m just so super terrified that whatever comes out of my mouth will be ignored. Not ridiculed, not questioned, not doubted. Just ignored. Not only do I feel marginalized, I will lose face in front of EVERYONE. That is my worst fear. I do so much better one-one-one, or even in a group of 3. How to get better at this?

Wednesday night was the first time I got SERIOUSLY PISSED at work. I was just livid. Not at any colleagues, but at the reservations people in the building who I’ve been talking to practically everyday to book rooms for the Streetwise training programs. The first mentor orientation was on Wednesday night and I wanted it to go smoothly, but of course, shit happened. So the night started off rough, but ended well. I am really psyched for the second cycle of the Young Adult program, and I feel semi-important because I am handling the room reservations in our CS building for the building. Access to the mentors and the officers. Sweet!

Thursday night I went to the Streetwise social mixer at the Hudson Hotel. A lot of people showed up from the adults program on Saturdays and I am not trying to sound shallow or anything, but the average attractiveness level of the Streetwise mentors is about twice that which you will find in any decent bar or club on a weekend night. Successful, motivated, caring enough to volunteer for a non-profit and extremely presentable – what more can you ask for in a group of people to associate yourself with? I met some amazing characters, talked and talked through my fog of tiredness, and even bumped into some Stuy people. I think I definitely saw the guy I had a crush on in Stuy walk in just as I was about to walk out…

I heart Streetwise <3

Tonight is dinner and movie with CW before she leaves and tomorrow morning is running practice at Prospect Park, followed by team/mentor brunch at the well-received Miracle Grill and dinner with EL and KL. (By the way, I cannot tell you how cool it is to finally ‘hang out’ in Park Slope and get to know the laidback neighborhood better.) Do I have time for studying? I’m going to Starbucks right now to squeeze in an hour, GMAT book in hand…

Playing in NYSE

2009-05-07T17:59:00.003-04:00

I HATE THIS RAIN!!!!

Something just occurred to me: lesbians, although by definition are interested in girls only, still have a male-female dynamics to their relationships. I’ve seen lesbian couples in the celebrity world (think: Samantha Ronson/Lindsay Lohan and Ellen/Portia) and I know lesbian couples in ‘real life’ and they always consist of a feminine girl and a relatively more masculine counterpart who has short hair, dresses like a guy, and the whole works. I know it’s dangerous to generalize, but I think it’s interesting to note. There must be some hidden reason behind this. I believe in evolution so I am just wondering what benefits or purpose does 1. homosexuality serve (which is a question much bigger than I can wrap my head around right now) and 2. the male-female duality that exists in even lesbian relationships. I have no judgments, no opinion, just throwing some questions and messing around with my mind today. Ramblings. So bear with me.

What brought on this whole line of thinking? Someone who I met last night at the awesome Auction 4 Kids event to benefit Comp2Kids, a program of Per Scholas. Oooh, a lot of big words there. To make a long story short, I volunteered on behalf of Credit Suisse, to participate in this dinner-live-auction and silent auction event at the NYSE 7th floor and trading floor. It was worth it alone just to be on the trading floor (the first time as a tour to prep for the event, and the second time last night at the actual event). There were about 400-450 guests who paid for tables and dinner, from all these companies. Among them were us, Credit Suisse, Goldman Sachs, Barclays, E&Y and a whole bunch of smaller tech/consulting companies as well as wealthy individuals. I was totally excited to see a live auction for the first time ever and the auctioned items were of course donated to the non-profit. They include a lot of packages like 3 week vacations in Australia, a few days on a private tropical island, and dinner with the business commentator of the Financial Times in the bank vault inside JP Morgan. Very cool things like that.

I helped out with the check-in which was very hectic, and then as a ‘spotter’ on the live auction space to write down the bidding numbers of people who won bids. My tables were cheap so no one won a bid, but the Goldman tables were rocking! I sense, though, that the bidding this year is much tamer than if the auction had been put on a few years ago when people who bathing in money. I mean, the packages had base values of a certain amount, and the bidders weren’t even willing to go up that high. The Australia 3 week all expenses paid business class on Qantas Airline for 2 people was worth $50,000 which is reasonable but the bidder who won it only paid for $19,000 which was actually a REALLY GOOD DEAL. So lots of bargain hunters but not really crazy off-the-wall frenzied bidding. I’m sure in other auctions like art auctions/jewelry auctions the business is not doing so well either. It’s a quiet but palpable reminder of the kind of economic times we live in as we witnessed the auction that struggled to get bids at times, but still overall a very fun and enjoyable experience.

Then after the live auction all the guests were ushered downstairs to the trading floor. Can you imagine this scene – desserts piled on tables threaded through computers left and right, complete with a jazz band and all sorts of silent auction items placed strategically. For $250, you can get a picture of yourself standing on the podium of the NYSE ‘ringing the bell’ just like you see on TV. That’s actually a pretty cool thing since you will hardly get another chance to do that! To even GET on the trading floor you need to have a good reason to be there and for someone to ‘sponsor’ you, not to mention you need to be after-hours as a guest. Now, how much harder would it be to get on the podium? AND take a picture of you ringing the bell??? Yea, $250 is definitely worth it. If I were with my colleagues from work and I was a senior executive or something I would definitely do it, just so I can hang the picture on my office wall and impress my clients! Hahaha

The Brink of Madness

2009-05-04T15:36:00.002-04:00

It’s unusual for me to go so long without blogging.

I find myself creating little posts but then deleting the whole thing because the words just seem…bland. Not worthy of my true feelings. So I let it go. I’ve been struggling for the past week with a go-no go scenario. I actually do not like change very much, but knowing that I do, I perversely welcome it all the more. I want discipline more than I do not want change, if that makes any sense.

Work is ramping up in intensity and variety this month. I’ve volunteered to be the first person in my team to present the financial results for the Americas portion of the monthly profit and loss statements to the dozens of directors and managers from all these different locations around the world. My boss’s boss always did this presentation but now he wants to hand it off to someone junior. My boss doesn’t even know why. Of course, everyone will be there to back me up, but I will be delivering the results. I’ve never even BEEN to these meetings because they’re so high level, and now all of a sudden I will be the centerpiece. I am anxious to prove myself and nervous that I would screw up, but I try not to think about it too much. If I shy away from this opportunity and sit in the corner, what does that say about me? That I’m a coward? Maybe I am, but the “super-ego” in me won’t cater to that coward. No, I won’t.

On the GMAT side, I’ve been attempting to study as much as I can without blowing my brains out. I try to squeeze in an hour or two on weeknights and sometimes as I commute on the bus/train, but usually on weeknights I just end up watching TV and snacking. Oops. But this past weekend, on Saturday, I carried my two workbooks to the Starbucks on the corner of Chamber and West Broadway and studied for about 3 hours. There’s this cute little inner room where no one can see you but still has excellent views of the sidewalk outside. A creepy guy walked in with his two cups of coffee and sat down in window with his side facing me and stared out of the window expression-less for TWO HOURS. He was wearing those reflective glasses that psychotic clinical doctors on TV wear and stared at people whenever they made a noise or spoke on the phone too loud, in a deranged and aggressive way. I totally had this movie running in my mind where he suddenly busts out a knife from his jean pocket and starts methodically stabbing the people who annoy him. Finally he left and I breathed a sigh of relief. Then in the next hour three rotations of European family tourists came by my little room and spoke loudly and laughed at the other old man sitting by the corner farting. I had a mini moment of lust for a young nubile lad who smiled knowingly at me when my water bottle rolled into his sneakers. He might’ve been only 16. Shivers.

The weather turned from dreary to sunny around noon, and I packed up to go visit the Tribeca Family Film Festival by Greenwich Street. I was going to volunteer for A.E.S. and take the 12-3 shift but by the time I got there, it was past 1PM and I felt it was too late. Afterwards I took my tired and hungry body to another Starbucks by Spring and Varick and had a disgustingly try turkey sandwich followed by a huge frappuccino. I got a lot of studying done in that store as I concentrated on the harder math questions. The store was really stuffy actually but I liked it because I had a cold and wanted to be as warm as possible. Since it was a bit out of the way, the store was clean and sunny and had minimum traffic so I was kept happy and focused for a good amount of time until it was time to go to Chinatown to pick up some groceries on my home. It was a very artsy neighborhood because this guy came in with a huge order for the “producers” on set and another unrelated couple was talking about styling models and doing photo shoots.

Sunday was a shitty day weather-wise. The weather really affects the mood, I don’t know about anyone else. I can’t believe I went to the gym in the morning. I was all pumped to go running along Shore Road since I ran for an hour and 5 minutes for the first time EVER in my life on Friday night, but the rain ruined all my plans. After the gym, I plopped with my soaked sneakers to the city to meet with the Peru gang for brunch at Barbounia. I’ve passed by Barbounia (Greek/Mediterranean) restaurant many times on my walk from work to Union Sq. along Park Avenue and was intrigued by the menu and the décor. The inside is really impressive it is elegant but cozy at the same time, without losing that modern edge. I think this would be my perfect restaurant for a first date. It’s a little on the dressy side (I came in my gym clothing practically and got some weird looks) and the clientele was mostly older (not as young and hip as Sushi Samba right across the street) but those are not drawbacks in any way. I can totally see someone holding a society event or even wedding reception in there. The food was a B+ not because it wasn’t good but because I ordered the French Toast and it was a big mistake because it was too buttery for me (not a problem for the majority of the population) and then ordered the falafel sandwich which is almost like a gyro. The falafels were consumed with spices and fresh ingredients but came in this giant Indian type bread that was a no-no in my book. They made this weird gyro-falafel thing with yogurt sauce that was just really wrong. Tasty, but the whole concept is beyond me. I definitely prefer my falafel in a light pita bread with tons of veggies and spices and sauces. The focus should be on the falafel – not the bread! But it was a filling and delicious brunch when all is said and done and the prices weren’t too bad either. Anyway, time spent with the gang is always delightful, and food is always secondary whenever I have a dinner out with friends/family.

Afterwards we went to B&N to sit and snack some more in the café and wasted precious time when I should be studying. We were all debating for like an hour (I’m not kidding you) and whether HW and EL should go to the gym. LOL. In the end we all went to NYSC to do a little demonstration and as they sweated in the gym, I, having already done my duty, sailed away to Red Mango across the street to feast on frozen yogurt. And there – I found the perfect studying place. As good as any Starbucks. I love a place with a view where I can people watch when I get tired of staring at numbers, and Red Mango has this little cove with a sofa and a table. Perfect! Sofa and a view??? I’ll take that. The only thing is that they don’ t have coffee/tea/water for when I want a pick me up, but that’s okay – I can survive on yogurt for half a day. And there’s a Starbucks right across the street if I get desperate!

Then there is the Challenge. The Big Daddy of all if I were to accept. I am struggling with the decision, and wondering if it’s worth it, and what will happen if I do or do not. Once I am committed I cannot turn back. I don’t know if I would be able to keep up – it’s completely uncharted territory. It could be the make-or-break in terms of my career. I don’t know if the stress will overwhelm me, or if I will be able to conquer that part of me. I don’t know if my body can physically take it. Maybe I’m overthinking it too much, but honestly, there is so much on my plate, and if I do decide to go ahead with it, I will be faced with quite possibly the most daunting summer of my life. Ever. Not only will I be doing this, I would also have to keep fit, blow the GMAT away, and take on extra challenges at work. The rewards would be great if I were to succeed, but the potential for failure is just as great. Risk and reward – the classic equation. Should I?

Weekend in Review

2009-04-28T10:32:00.001-04:00

So much has been on my mind lately! Ever since coming back from Morocco, I have felt rejuvenated. This is most evident in my work ethic. I am full of curiosity and desire to learn and prove myself again. My mojo is back.

This past weekend was absolutely gorgeous. August-like weather. I finally picked up all my packages at the post office with all of my EZ solution books and GMAT official guides. Yay! I can’t believe I was so excited to get textbooks. I really wanted to study math on Saturday in the park but I felt really tired and hungry so I decided to stay home and watch TV. I know, I am such a hypocrite. All talk and no walk. Well, finally I showered and dressed and went out to attend HC’s surprise and very belated birthday party thrown by EL at Pulse Karaoke, this totally awesome karaoke place near Times Square that also houses Circle, the Korean-centric club. I was expecting a cheesy, dingy Asian karaoke wannabe place but it was actually super nice inside with our private room and very affordable. See my review on Yelp! (Yup, I’m a full fledged yelper now)

I had a ton of fun singing along to Aerosmith (I don’t wanna miss a thing) to Ciara (1,2, Step) to Aqua (Barbie Girl) to Wang Lee Hom (Only One) to Pink (So What), and dozens more. We were all screaming towards the end and the funniest thing was, KL and I had stumbled upon a porn channel (you can change karaoke video backgrounds) and we kept turning it on and off periodically, garnering much shock and embarrassment from our unknowing audience. It was soft core porn but pretty graphic. LOL. The staff walked in at one point and was like…how did you get that channel?!! I think they probably knew, but they couldn’t authorize it outright since it probably might be illegal or something.

Anyway, on Sunday EL and I (sans MC unfortunately) had an appointment booked for Faina European spa at Columbus Circle at noon, and I was late like 5 minutes or so, and the woman was so bitchy about it. The massage and body scrub treatment was okay, but the service and attitude were so below par, they don’t even measure up to a Chinatown basement massage parlor. It was my first time doing the body scrub and while it made my skin smooth and glowing for the rest of the day (even today I can feel the difference) I can definitely find better service elsewhere for cheaper too. I should probably get a body scrub every two weeks if my budget can afford it, it really makes your skin look so much healthier. What they do is they scrub you with this salt-sugar-lavender scrub all over (you are in a paper bikini) on a table for like 15 minutes and while you can feel the grains rubbing against your skin it is not painful. Then you go into a little shower and wash it all off, but there is a dewy residue that remains on your skin keeping it soft and moisturized and shining. It was really hot and I was wearing this cute little strappy dress and I feel like my skin alone turned some heads =D

Afterwards, EL and I walked to the Time Warner Center and picked up stuff from Sephora and Whole Foods (omg, the lines were insane) where I saw JA. She looked gorgeous. I haven’t seen her since I bumped into her at Credit Suisse one night, and before that I haven’t seen her since I left Singy 4 years ago. I’m so in awe of that girl, if I had a peer I looked up to, it would be her. But sad our friendship just didn’t stick.
Anyway, we took the train to Central Park where we walked around thirsty and starving and hot looking for the stupid Turtle Pond behind the Belvedere Castle, and finally found and was like, oh it wasn’t that hard to find after all. My last experience meeting people in Central Park was last summer at Sheep’s Meadow and it was the most frustrating endeavor trying to locate the picnic setup and worse, trying to tell other people how to find us. JX and many of her friends were there already and they had cakes and fruit and chips and water! Yay! Hahaha, it’s an oasis in the desert all over again. It was quite fun and the rest of the day passed in a haze of good company and good weather and good food.

I hope I don’t get sick! Everyone is suddenly coughing and blowing their noses around me. I hear hand sanitizers and face masks are getting sold out….

Common sense, people!

2009-04-27T18:47:00.001-04:00

The whole swine flu thing is freaking me out.

I come to work this morning and two of my closest coworkers who sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME are coughing and sneezing and blowing their noses. Now, I know they probably don’t have the swine flu, but come on! Have you watched the news recently?!! Can you please stay home and not infect the rest of us?! Are you morons!?!?!!

But the thing is, I’m not even sure what the difference is between the swine flu and…other types of flu. As I understand it, the swine flu is just a new strain that no one has ever contracted before, which is causing all this alarm. It might turn virulent very quickly, and no one has immunity to it yet. It also seems to be very infectious and spreads quickly. The most disturbing thing is that it kills people in their prime from 20 – 40 years of age, because we have strong immune systems that overreact to the virus. This is very similar to what happened in the 1918 pandemic and the Asian bird flu crisis a few years ago. Another similarity to the 1918 pandemic was that the flu was widespread throughout the summer and fall months, while most flu strains are most active in winter months. So the warm weather we’ve been having recently might not protect us against this virus and further mutations.

No one has died yet in the US but hour by hour, the situation is changing and the numbers are going up. No one can predict what will happen next, and it can die down just as much as it can kill. Think about it – you think you are safe, but how can you trust the people around you? On subways, buses, touching handrails, books, money. All of those things could’ve been infected through a long chain of people by someone recently in Mexico or someone else who has been infected. No one is safe right now, except for maybe those who have already contracted it and who has survived. Those people will have developed antibodies to the virus, at least to this strain, unless it mutates again.

Hand sanitizers must be flying off the shelf.

DO NOT touch your eyes, nose, or mouth unless you have just washed your hands with soap and warm water for at least 30 seconds. Stay away from sick people as far as you can and keep warm and hydrated. If you go to the gym make sure you are extra careful. I’m not sure if a strong immune system is good or bad in this case, but I’m taking my herbs, drinking my green tea and taking my vitamins and Ester-C.

And please dear God, if you are sick, STAY THE FUCK HOME.

Life in a Nutshell

2009-04-24T10:33:00.001-04:00

This would be my dream life:

Age 24 (now): Get promoted
Age 25-27: Work hard at CS and move to a dept/project I have a strong interest in (APG/VRG)
Age 28: Get into London Business School and be there for 1.5 years
Age 30: Get married to British guy
Age 31: Have 1 kid, a girl
Age 32: While on maternity leave and later stay-at-home mom for a few months finish my ongoing novel. Get published and have it rise to among top 10 on NY Times Bestseller list.
Age 35: Buy a house and pay off all my loans
Age 40: Start a joint venture with Chinese company/start own company in China
Age 42: Buy property in Shanghai
Age 45: Have net worth of $5 million dollars (or whatever the inflation adjusted amount of that would be in 2030)
Age 49: Send my daughter off to Harvard
Age 50: Have already traveled to all 7 continents extensively
Age 55: Have net worth of $20 million dollars
Age 62: Retire
Age 102: Die

Disclaimer: plan is still ongoing and changing…

It’ll be very interesting to look back on this list 10 years from now though (and see where I went wrong, haha, or went right!)

Resolution on GMAT

2009-04-19T22:38:00.002-04:00

I had a great, but tiring, weekend. Mom went to China on Thursday, leaving me, Dad and Cousin Joan in the house. Dad tries to be a good house dad and cooks and cleans (even if his efforts are just that...efforts...but appreciated nevertheless). Dad also waits up for me wayyyyy past my bedtime patiently on Friday and Saturday nights, and this is especially hard for him because he sleeps really early usually. I got home at 3 on Friday and he was downstairs watching TV! And he never growled or complained about where I was or asked any questions. I have to say, a lot of the stress and worries he has is instigated by Mom, even though Mom tells him NOT to worry. If he's just by himself, he rarely gets worked out, he's super chill, or maybe that's just a recent phase. I remember on the night of my 21st birthday, I stayed out late and went over to JX's apartment to sleep and the next morning, hell broke loose over the phone as both of my parents screamed at me and threatened to kick me out.

Anyhow, on Friday went to Red Bamboo with AC and had a great, if highly caloric, dinner. We strolled around the NYU area and it brought back memories.....the night was warm with no wind and I felt super good in my first dress of the spring. I have to lie if I say my primary motive for wearing dresses is for the 'look,' rather I am tired of stuffing my tummy and tush into my skinny jeans which I no longer fit into nicely. Sad..well, went for a few drinks with AC at Solas while waiting for the gang to arrive, and they did a few hours (and some free drinks courtesy of a "dashawn" whose name I can pronounce but cannot spell) later, and the Moroccan girls are reunited!!!!!! We met some of MC's friends and chilled out. Interesting night. I showed off my Moroccan photobook which I am super super proud of!!!!! I think I will make one like it every trip I have from now on. Maybe if I have the time, even go back to my other trips and make books like that.

I've been thinking a lot about where my life is going. So what else is new? But this time I am serious. When I am serious about something, I can feel it inside. It's not some wishy washy notion. I spent all of Saturday morning researching good GMAT books and buying them on Amazon (I went shopping at B&N on Friday and got some books, but had to return them) and the tab came out to like $200 which was okay, but which also means in no uncertain terms that I'm about to embark on a few months of intense studying and strategizing. I don't think I will be as shut-off as I was during my CPA studying but I need to have a consistent and organized schedule. Whatever free time I have to spare, counting out work sleep and social life, I will spend on the gym and studying for the GMAT. My goal is to score a 750 or higher. Is it impossible? No. Is it fucking ridiculous to achieve in a few months? Yeah. But the only thing I have right now is hope and hard work, and who's to say that miracles don't happen. I just took a diagnostic test today and my score was 600 but that was because it was my first time doing the test from start to finish without having studied anything or prepared. I've bought the books, I've joined www.beatthegmat.com and my mind is set. I'm in it to win it. I'm setting the date for late August, and right after that I plan to take my second vacation of the year. We'll see.

After lazying around I went over to Union Sq to drop off my books and get some food and then it's over to LJ's for dinner. Dinner parties at friends' places always make me feel so grown-up and cosmo. I mean, I've been to plenty of people's places where basically it's just show up, bring some chips and salsa and beer, and we'll hang out. But intimate sit-down dinners are very different, with lovingly made food and a set table and good conversations. At home, my family has a habit of taking looong meal together, because we can talk forever. I take family dinnertime very seriously because it is the only time when we are all together enjoying food and exchanging news and ideas of the day. If I am to have an apartment, I think I would have dinner parties frequently with the people I like. I cannot WAIT to have my own house where I can have beautiful table settings and exquisite decor to go along with the food. Ahh, money, where art thou? Rich husband, where art thou?

One of the things I love going out on Friday, despite how tiring it is, is that it makes the weekend seem much longer than it really is. Sunday I had a day to myself where I slept in realllly late and then had lunch and tackled my Princeton Review GMAT test for like 3 hours. My brain felt so stagnant after having had no intellectual stimulation since my CPA studying, and I sluggishly plodded along. Then I went to the gym and squeezed in every minute until they closed. Dinner was great. I feel like I'm always eating.

I thought about love. It's always been that I go after what I want, but the problem is I so rarely...want. I just can't bring myself to do what many of the friends do - give someone a chance. But I know if it will work, or not. I know when to give a chance, and when not to. There's no grey area. I just hope my time doesn't run out before my fertility does.

Cost Benefit Analysis

2009-04-16T16:47:00.002-04:00

Okay, scratch all that I said about auditing LOL. I thought it about it today and I realllllly couldn’t do the whole I-don’t-have-a-desk-I-live-at-other-people’s-offices lifestyle. Busy at one client, unable to really delve into a project and understand a business, and always having to worry about charging time. Or else a vagabond who sits around with my lonely laptop, jumping everytime my Blackberry buzzes. Perhaps I would like to go back to that kind of consulting/client-oriented business in a managerial position, but being an associate like that is HARD > you don’t even get to offset all the bad with the good, which in my case would be directing and making key decisions from a high level. I love dealing with SMART people that I can truly admire and those are so incredibly hard to find nowadays. I am not going to name any names but I think I’ve only truly looked up to like 2 people in my career so far, and a lot of the people I work or have worked with pisses me off and astounds me with their laziness, disrespect, incompetency, and/or attitude. Sometimes I wonder if there are truly great people out there anymore. I am by no means perfect, but I would like to be near people who are better than me so I can constantly strive to go upward, and not have to deal with all of the little catty things that small-minded people put me through.

In any case – this is not what this post is about.

So I was crazy enough to seriously consider training for a marathon with the team at Credit Suisse, for the Nike’s women marathon in June. There are seriously like dozens of runs/walks for all sorts of charities coming up in the spring and summer, and of course a lot of the serious marathons are in the early fall. But I think I have to admit I am just not a good runner. I would like to delude myself into thinking I’m this trim and fit runner who looks like the model on the cover of Runner’s World, but I’m not, and I’ve been running for like 2 years now but I still can’t run more than 4 miles at a time. Pathetic. If I trained more and followed a schedule, yes perhaps I can do it. But what’s the motivation? I have plenty of things to DE-motivate me from it, such as, oh my allergy issues, my womanly health issues, and so on. Besides, I don’t get much pleasure from running and I run purely as a form of cardio exercise, along with my elliptical machines and my gym classes. No, I am not going to pretend anymore I am a runner in any serious sense of the word. I get a “runner’s high” so rarely I can count them on one hand.

However, I am thinking about getting a personal trainer. I would like to improve my strength training methods because I’ve been doing them myself for so long it’s become so boring and I don’t even know if I’m doing it right. I am also thinking about moving out for the summer again (same as last year) but then my thoughts strayed to…how else can I spend this money on? $3500 at the very least for 3 months of stay in Manhattan. Hmm….that can buy me a personal trainer (NYSC has 10 sessions for $800) and I can go on vacation to Mexico/Iceland/Greece for a week or two…is it worth it? The hardest thing to get around to convince myself that it IS worth it is the fact that I live SO CLOSE to Manhattan and my workplace, by virtue of the express bus which stops almost literally in front of my street. It takes me 40-45 minutes to get to work every morning, and as fast as 30 minutes to get home. If I got an apartment at UES, it would maybe take me 20 minutes, and I would have to endure the subway system. There is no visible benefit there, so the benefit would lie really in the social aspect of things. I could stay out much later and see my friends a lot more and entertain people at my place. I can enjoy my feelings of independence and freedom – and not only enjoy them but USE them. Ugh – it’s so hard. KL keeps saying I am young and I should get out and enjoy myself away while I can, which is true. What to do?

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

2009-04-15T18:03:00.002-04:00

Jealousy: seeing my guy/crush with someone else

Envy: seeing someone else getting what I want – promotions, meeting Jay Chou, traveling, etc.

Begrudging: seeing someone else getting something I don’t necessarily need or want, but feeling bitter about it nevertheless.

I am guilty of begrudging, or whatever you want to call it. Right now, I begrudge other people’s accomplishments, triumphs and successes. In admitting this, I hope to purge this from my soul and become a better person by not feeling this way. Does everyone feel it? I don’t know, but really, no one acknowledges it even if they do…

I think this bizarre mixture of self-loathing and bitterness comes from the fact that I am insecure about myself. If I were completely happy with myself and my status in life, I would not begrudge other people’s happiness. If I had some recent success, I would not begrudge your success. But I haven’t had a sense of accomplishment in a long time. I’m done with my CPA and I am no longer skinny. At the same time, I feel like everyone else’s life is moving forward – deepening relationships, graduate school, career changes. If I get news right now that someone I know is getting married, I will snap (inside). I sound like a complete Scrooge, but to redeem myself a bit, I will say that I AM happy for you. I’m just not happy for myself because it reminds me of my failings. I will tell everyone about your happy news and feel proud and glad for you that you are pursuing your dreams and moving ahead with your life. I will cry at your wedding and organize parties to celebrate your success with whatever you have done. But at the end of the day, when there are no more distractions, I will berate myself and wallow in misery. How did she do it, when I thought she never would? How did I not see this coming? Why do I not have the courage, the strength, the determination?

Recently a lot of big news have been breaking around me. Since I came back from my trip, everywhere I have received news of major life changes about friends and family, and most of them are positive. Emotionally it’s been a lot to absorb. It’s funny because only 7 MONTHS AGO, I quit PwC and got a new job, but it feels like I’ve been doing this forever. At PwC, I was so dissatisfied and disillusioned, and in a classic case of “the grass is greener on the other side,” I am looking at the auditors and Big Four consultants running around on our floor (seriously, we employ the services of all 4 of the Big Four) with stars in my eyes and yearning to be near them and hear them talk about what they do. Isn’t that so pathetic??? The hours are better by far, and so are the opportunities to cross-train within the accounting division and GO ABROAD (which was why I majored in business in the first place). On the other hand, I miss the easy camaraderie among the staff and the teamwork and my work friends in PwC. I knew I would when I left but I never knew just how…dry…it is in a real corporate environment where most of the people around you are over 40 and the few young people are either cliquey or burying their nose so deep in their work it’s useless to do small talk, much less develop good friendships. Old men and a bureaucratic system, and I can go on and on.

But I’m painting such a negative picture, and the point I want to make is that, in our twenties, even 7 MONTHS can feel like forever. 7 MONTHS without change or big news (even with a 2 week vacation in the middle of it) makes my life feel stale. We are under so much pressure in these years to constant move around, produce interesting stories and experiences and get ahead in life. Everytime I see a friend, they will ask with avid curiosity, so what’s new?! as if they always expect some big update, even if the last time I saw them was two weeks ago. I do, of course, want to move ahead in my career and settle down on what I truly want to do. The other side of things is my personal life which might be even harder to arrange. There is so much to do, and yet on a day-to-day level I am consumed with routine details and everytime someone else comes up with a big change, it whacks me in the face and makes me spin. I’m like a star out of orbit when that happens – and it hurts.

Photo Mania

2009-04-10T15:23:00.003-04:00

Oh boy. I’m so glad I didn’t eat those space cakes in Amsterdam – that would’ve been a disaster.

I was thinking the other day about how people can not lose their motivation and their drive while keeping their stress levels down at the same time. That has always been a conundrum for me. It seems like a complete oxymoron to be a carefree ambitious person. I stress and worry so intensely in direct proportion to how much that thing/event/person matters to me. If someone tells me to not stress about it, I would have to lose my need, my desire, for that outcome in order for me to relax. For example, some shit goes down at work and got me all frazzled and upset. If I didn’t care about my career, I probably would forget about the incident after the initial emotional response, like I do about other things in life that happens that doesn’t affect me because I really don’t care. But I do care about my career. Hence – I get wound up in it. Make sense?

So how do YOU manage to balance the two? I think I am getting a little better at managing my stress levels by shifting my attention to someone else that IS going well and reminding myself that even if the other thing falls through, at least my life is not completely in the crappers. Now, if nothing good is going on, then I get into a major depression.

I realize this aspect about myself and so I have developed a good strategy to combat this. It’s no brainer to realize what that is. Traveling. Seeing the world. GETTING THE BIG PICTURE  yes, my life sucks in all aspects, but after I see the poor and the hungry and little kids carrying little babies on their backs begging on the streets, I don’t think my “problems” are problems anymore. When I see the stars and visit the mountains and valleys and deserts and oceans, I understand that I am just a tiny speck of a thing in the larger scheme of nature, and within the scope the universe. Then I am at peace. At least, until I get back to my normal life and problems crop up again. But I try to remember to breath and remember the BIG PICTURE.

It’s been a week since I’ve been back and I’ve been using this time to RECUPERATE. I’ve been really sick with this nasty cold and I’ve been so medicated, plus work has been outrageously intense and busy so I look like this freakish sniffling zombie stomping around in my own head fog trying to keep it together. I feel so guilty for not calling my friends and updating them with my trip details AND very guilty for not going to the gym and wasting money and getting all flabby and gross. Uh. But I need to listen to my body, and it is telling me to focus on getting my energy back and resting after all of the crazy stresses it’s been put under for 2 weeks. I deserve it.

So in my spare time (what little I have beyond sleep and work), I am catching up on my TV shows and organizing my souvenirs and writing in my journal and designing my photobook!!!!!! I am SOOOO excited to do this photobook on shutterfly with all of my pictures from my trip and the results on screen has been fantastic so far. I’ve literally pored hours and hours into arranging photos with different styles and colors and spaces and sizes and captions, it’s like I’m playing with Barbie again, no it’s even better than that! I cannot WAIT to finish it tonight and get it into printing. Finally, after this is done I can get some closure on this trip and start the million other things on my to-do list. I’ve also been thinking about my next trip! Ta da dum!

Ephiphany

2009-04-03T17:21:00.003-04:00

God, how I love traveling. There’s nothing like living out of a duffel bag for two weeks and seeing the world on a plane, in a taxi, on local buses, atop double-decker buses, in canal boats, and on the backs of camels. Or of course, on your own two feet. There’s nothing like not knowing what’s around the corner, with only your imagination and guidebook pictures to lead your way, and getting stunned witless by the actual experience. And there’s nothing, NOTHING, like opening yourself up to the elements of nature, the assault on your senses, and the mercy of strangers.

I wrote feverishly in my journal during the precious windows of “free” time in airport terminals, desperately trying to capture my memories before they slip away under the barrage of things that were going on. Everyday added pictures, inside jokes, dangerous encounters and breathless moments of beauty. My right hand knuckles are bruised and red from my scribbles. I have only transcribed my adventures in Morocco, and not yet my week in Amsterdam and Barcelona yet. But I wrote on a few days’ lag, despite my best efforts, and I’m afraid some of the purest feelings have not been captured on paper. Still, it’s better than nothing.

Sitting in my dad’s car on the way home from JFK, I experienced it. Epiphany. I felt like I had shed a layer of skin and my soul filled with renewed purpose and vigor, even as my body sank in exhaustion. I sketched out my goals for the year and I can only describe my sudden mood as shining optimism. The funny thing was, even on the plane a few hours ago I dreaded returning home to the same old boring routine, but this morning I bounded into work, almost singing with anticipation (and no, there’s no boy I like at work). I’m still the same girl but my perspective has shifted, as if my baseline happiness level rose a notch. I smile a lot and I don’t feel sad that my vacation has ended; instead, I am grateful for my job that has given me the chance to even go on vacation and determined to do an even better job. I’m craving another journey already, but not before I accomplish some serious things. I posted a sticky on my computer that listed the three things I would love to get started on right away:

1. Learn/improve Italian (Rosetta Stone)
2. Study for and take GMAT
3. Start sketching out my novel

I cannot believe I had let so much time pass between my Peru trip and this trip, because traveling does wonders for my life. It’s therapeutic and makes me a more well-balanced person with a much better handle of who I am and what I am living for. While some people might feel more relaxed going on a cruise or a beach vacation, I get my boost from freewheeling in interesting places with nothing but a good dose of curiosity and fellow companions to heal me of whatever ailments I might have had before the trip. It’s not really about having fun in the traditional sense of the word as opening myself up, becoming vulnerable and letting the experience carry me away wherever it goes, good or bad. I have had moments where I literally break down, moments where I am so frustrated and scared my throat closes, and moments where I am tired and deplete to the very core of my being. I want to go home, I want to stop living in a constant state of uncertainty and stress, I would cry. These are feelings I will never experience going through my everyday motions, and how would you ever know yourself if you don’t stretch your limits?

There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do over, and in return for all of the wondrous things I saw and experienced, I am stronger, cleaner, calmer. I don’t know quite how to explain how this experience affected me, except that I am floating on a cloud of contentment. I thought I would be drained and depressed, but on the contrary, I am a new person. Actually, in Morocco American tourists are very rare, and us being three girls going there with no booked tours or accommodations for several nights, no Arabic skills and a barely passable understanding of French, was a helluva brave thing to do. I am so proud of us and so glad we went through it and got out alive with harrowing stories to tell.

To top it off, I’ve lost noticeable weight, and I’m not surprised because everytime I travel I lose weight. So basically, I get to have all these adventures and see/smell/touch/taste amazing things, eat loads and loads of delicious local cuisine everyday (plus tons of gelato in Barcelona), hang out with cool people, come back a better person for it and also lose weight?!?? So why the hell do I not travel more? It’s almost too good to be true – but it is true, and it is the one thing in life that comes with all the rewards and none of the risk. Perhaps the risk is in losing your life, but somehow that doesn’t deter me at all.

MOROCCO

2009-03-27T04:46:00.001-04:00

Today I am all alone in Morocco for about 8 hours. My traveling companions MC and EL just left for Paris and I feel, all of a sudden, at a lost as to what to do. So here I am, back at the keyboard. Today is Friday and it's a rest day for Muslims, and everything won't be open till late anyway.

Morocco has been the most stressful and most frighteningly wonderful experience I've ever had. Asia is nothing compared to this. Even though I consider myself a relatively seasoned traveler, I got hit unexpectedly by a giant culture shock. The conservative Muslim society here combined with the constant hassling by men (who dominate the public sphere) takes some getting used to. Here are some highlights:

1. Fes. The first city we arrived at, at night, our bags being pushed by a wheelbarrow man down narrow winding streets squeezed on the sides by clay houses. We were clutching at each other for safety. Men were all around us, speaking in fast Arabic, mixed with French. I get randomly catcalled in Japanese and Chinese. (everyone here thinks I'm Japanese). The next day we get scammed by a faux guide (he walked us around when we were lost and then demanded money when I smelled something fishy and dragged my friends away), which totally ruined the intial experience for me. From then onwards I distrusted everyone I met, and it's true - they see us as a walking ATM and I will suspect that their primary motive is after our money until they prove otherwise. However, I will have to say that out of all the cities I've been to, Fes would probably be the one I would want to return to. It's so fascinating and different from anywhere else in the world. I don't want to sound corny, but that city that secrets and mysteries you will never finish discovering time and time again. It's like from a storybook, or a strange Arabian fantasy...

2. The Sahara sand dunes. This was the best experience of the trip for me, laying on the extremely fine sand at night staring up into the vast, starry skies. I saw 3 shooting stars! And I made a wish upon each one. There were literally a gazillion stars in the sky, so bright they blind your eyes if you stare too long. It was breathtakingly beautiful and a wonderfully humbling experience. We spent some time quietly contemplating the night sky, whispering in the dark. Some Berbers came over and fed us some yogurt and apple. (haha, inside joke). We later went inside our tent and went to sleep for a few hours until sunrise, when we climbed the highest dune around us and soaked in the light that spread and extinguished the darkness of the Sahara. The most memorable part of the whole thing though was the camel trek from the hotel to the Berber tents. We arrived late in the afternoon and I totally did not realize the camel trek was like 2 hours or so. We were tired, disoriented and utterly terrified at the camels who do not feel as comfortable as they might look. They bite, and vomit, and are easily startled. Anyhow, after getting on the camels, we went on our way, and very quickly, the sky darkened and it got windy, cold and very, very, VERY dark. We were three girls on camels for the first time, with nothing on us but our personal items, led by a Berber man who we just met. In the middle of the FREAKING desert. I hadn't eaten well for the day and the adrenaline and anxiety built up very quickly. The camel was HARD to sit on, and after about half an hour I asked to get off. The Berber man (Youssef) made it look so darn easy to walk on the sand, and I quickly realized that this was going to be the most intense workout ever. I cannot even describe to you how difficult it was to catch up to the camels literally wading in the sand which give out very easily under your feet, in the dark of night, very tired and having no idea where we were going, how long, and what the conditions were going to be like. Worst of all, I was getting hypoglycemic. My lowest point came after a long and arduous journey when I got off the camel (I got back on again after I realized I was going to completely collapse if I tried walking in the sand dunes any furthur) and my entire body started shaking uncontrollably and I was spasming out. I begged EL for some dried fruit and we slowly made our way down to the tents after the camels could go no furthur.

I was truly and completely humbled by the whole desert experience. The Berber people live in the sand dunes, some far far away from any city, and they live simply and joyously with their music and dance and song. They are strong and they make the desert look like nothing when in fact it is extremely difficult to navigate and know your way around. Youssef knew how to get to the tents even though it was pitch black and the dunes I would imagine shift and change. I also loved my Berber guide :)

3. Tizi n Test pass and the Todra Gorge. Absolutefreakingly jaw droppingly awe inspiringly beautiful and majestic. I have never seen anything like this, not even in Peru or China. We literally traveled from the barren sand of the desert south through the Atlas mountains (our bus hugging the railing by half an inch away from like a mile drop down the side of the mountain for 3 hours)until we reached the more fertile green lands of the north. Insane.

4. The Food. I don't remember the last time I stuffed myself silly like this every day. The food here is delicious. I have gotten tired of tagines but not couscous yet! We went to a very nice French Moroccan restaurant last night and had rabbit pastilla (sweet and salty meat in a pastry with grapes and onions) and couscous with chicken and seven vegetables and also a bunch of little appetizers and meats. The chocolate milkshakes, the yogurt, and the semolina breads here are out of this world!!!! I also had a camel burger which was sooooooooooo good (when I was riding the camel, I was praying the bad karma of eating one wouldn't hit me back), and also falafels and hummus, which is less Moroccan than middle eastern.

5. The hammam! I got scrubbed up and down and massaged by the hammam ladies and splashed with water and thoroughly cleaned like a baby and pampered. Wonderful and got rid of my cold. We've been waiting to do this for our whole trip and finally did it on our last day in Morocco.

There is more but I'm so tired and sleepy right now and I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings in my journal before I can go on any furthur LOL. Definitely before I reach Amsterdam, I need to settle down and organize everything so I can leave Morocco behind physically and emotionally. It's been an exhausting trip but I am so glad I survived it. We survived it together. I don't mean that facetiously, I really do mean it. I was worried about so many things going wrong, which could have very well happened. Everyone had different worries, and together we made a stressful group. I'm making it sound like it was a negative experience though, and it most definitely was not. This was exactly what I wanted to experience - the chaos, the people, the culture, the way of life, even from a tourist point of view. I wanted to be assaulted by noises and smells and sights and feelings. We got a full range of experience from cities to suburbs to the wild barrenness of the desert, from the restaurant food to street food, from taxis to buses, hot dry climates to cool chilly temperatures, from mosques to modern spas. We met fellow tourists along the way and chatted with some of the people we met. Surprisingly, Americans in Morocco are few and far in between and we were always the only American in any particular place, surrounded by French and Spanish. We are helluva brave trio of American girls venturing out to Morococ on our own, planning our own itineraries, bargaining on our own, guiding ourselves on streets with no traffic lights or road signs with men surrounding us at all times. We kept saying how nuts it was, how ridiculous and crazy. It was. It was awesome.

The important thing is that I'm safe and well right now. We were praying to get back to civilization safely admist the chaos of Fes and the sand dunes and Todra Gorges, ML had her booby knife and we pushed our luggages against the door haha. Now when we look back on it, we can have a good laugh but while in the thick of things, nothing was too paranoid. Even last night, we got a good scare when we heard the door bell of our riad ring at 1AM and men speaking in French, cause we didn't pay the taxi driver who ripped us off the amount he wanted and he had our hotel card, which means he COULD have came back with some buddies and demand payment. I think when I get to Amsterdam I would feel 100X safer but I know I would also miss Morocco and the crazy ass freaking shit going down here with my partners in crime. I already miss our experience, it's finally over?!!? I cannot believe it.......

Part II of my adventure is soon to come. I will be meeting WL in Amsterdam tonight. I still have 1 week of vacation left so that's something to look forward to. I have soooo soooo much more to share and tell when I get my thoughts and items organized, and after I get some good sleep! So much craziness went down, mixed with the whole surreal feeling of being in MOROCCO. Wish me luck!

XOXO, from Marrakesh, Morocco.

It Starts Now!

2009-03-19T14:43:00.001-04:00

I am leaving work in one hour.

I’m so excited but at the same time I’m just exhausted. I had a semi-decent sleep last night because it felt…right, in that when I woke up I was really drowsy and in that sleep mode whereas the other two nights I woke up stiff and zombie-like but wide awake (in a dreamlike way). Anyway – the bottom line is, I’m still tired as hell. I need sleep!

Poor EL was still at work when I called her at midnight. I don’t know how I would be able to deal if I were her…

I’m super, duper excited though, I have butterflies in my stomach. I haven’t felt like this for…as long as I can remember. It’s a little strange how much more nervous but excited I am about this trip than any other in recent memory. There’s something a little different, spicier, higher risk but higher reward as well. There are plans…and there are realities. Let’s hope the two are not so different LOL.

Here is my itinerary:

March 20 – land in Barcelona 8AM
March 21st – sightsee in Barcelona and fly to Fes
March 22nd – sightsee in Fez
March 23rd – drive to Merzouga and stay night in Sahara sand dunes!!!
March 24th – drive through Skoura, Todra Gorge, and stay at Dades Valley!!!
March 25th – drive through Ouarzazate and arrive in Marrakesh
March 26th – sightsee in Marrakesh
March 27th – sightsee in Marrakesh and fly to Amsterdam
March 28 – sightsee in Amsterdam
March 29th – sightsee in Amsterdam
March 30 – fly to Barcelona
March 31st – sightsee in Barceona
April 1st – sightsee in Barceona
April 2nd – fly back to New York 1:50PM

My Travels...

2009-03-17T11:32:00.001-04:00

I finally fell asleep at 4AM last night, after tossing and turning for 4 hours. I had another sleepless night due to very bad heart palpitations. I thought it might be hypoglycemia again but eating a lot of food didn’t help. Every time I started drifting off to sleep, my heart would thump forcefully, jerking me awake and then subsequently pounding harder and harder. I would sit up, take deep breaths, turn on the lights and quietly suffer. Repeat 5X.

I think it might be the huge quantities of sugar and starches I eat, but I can’t quit that! I thought about taking my Flexeril medication – the one that knocked me out and was in my system for 3 days – I was that desperate. If tonight the same thing happens, it’s hard to say what I would do. I also think it might be a) 3 cups of green tea a day for the past two weeks 2) I’ve recently stopped taking my vitamins/magnesium supplements 3) natural anxiety at not being able to fall asleep and 4) lots of brain activity/adrenaline pumping with planning and organizing for my upcoming trip. But I think it’s 80% food-intake related. I know if they run blood tests and heart EKGs and echocardiograms on me, everything will be normal. It’s just one of those things that I have to deal with.

I’ve been so busy these past few days while at the same time not really doing anything. My tailbone injury is healing along at a good pace, and now I can walk normally (or at least it looks normal) without pain. I was running a bit to catch my bus this morning and I couldn’t – it was so painful. So no, it’s not healed completely by any stretch – that will take months – but I am confident that I will do my duties as a tourist justice. I’ve been shopping/planning/packing/writing lists/researching/reading guide books/emailing/worrying/organizing, and remarkably I did most of that from within the confines of my room. I’ve been so meticulous with making sure that my 2 weeks in Europe and Africa will be smoothly run and hassle-free, and that means thinking hard about all of the events that can occur and planning ahead.

I have 5 separate flights, 5 different hotels to check in and out of and 2 nights out in Morocco that is still TBD. Perhaps a stay in the Sahara under the stars in a Berber tent? Perhaps a night in the valleys of the Todra Gorge? Who knows? We’ll be nomads. I will be journeying from 60 degree weather in Barcelona to 70’s weather in Morocco to 50’s in Amsterdam and the back to 60’s in Barcelona. Packing clothing is a nightmare. I don’t want to check in any bags but at the same time I don’t want my carry-on to be too heavy because of my injury. And I need room in my bag for all of the shopping I will do!

This trip is different than anything else I’ve done in the past. Sure, I’ve been to Europe and I’ve traveled with friends, but I have never done a 2 week tour to three non-Asian countries that is essentially 2 separate trips back-to-back. I have also never been to the continent of Africa, and Morocco is a whole new animal for me. I’ve been to poor countries before, but they were in Southeast Asia and there’s a certain affinity for the places and the people there being that I am Asian myself. I’ve also been to Europe but not with friends – except the trips to Paris and Prague that I did with my Stern Scholars class, which doesn’t really count as it is half academic related. I have a certain way of traveling in Europe that is very history and guidebook based: I like to pound every inch of the pavement as prescribed on the guidebook and discover every meaningful nook and cranny that is mentioned. I will try to visit all the recommended restaurants/cafes/dessert places and try all of the local foods and drinks and activities. I was able to do this with my parents who I went to Paris, London, Rome and Florence with (all cities with very walk-friendly streets and tons of history and culture). I would love to do Amsterdam and Barcelona in the same structured way. I was in Peru in 2007 with my friends but that was with a tour group whereas this is all self-guided tours. We book hotels and flights ourselves and do whatever we wish. All of the reasons above adds up to the reason why I feel excited and apprehensive about this trip in a way that I have never felt before – not with my numerous trips to Europe or with JX on my big China/SE Asia tour or with the gang to Peru or with the Singy friends to Laos, Cambodia, Thailand, Bali…

This will be a special trip, the first to come this year but not the last. I still have 2 weeks of vacation left this year which I plan to spend one week on a family trip and another week with friends. Both trips will be international – there is nothing left in US I really wish to see except perhaps LA. I’ve also seen all that I want to in Canada and Mexico would be a great option except that there is a travel advisory alert in effect right now warning against traveling to Mexico. That leaves Central America/South America as being the closest and most cost effective place to go. People have asked me where have I been that I enjoyed the most. The first place that comes to mind is Vietnam. There is just something about that city that I absolutely love – a perfect mixture of French bohemian and oriental earthiness, plus a dash of colonial charm. The most magnificent single phenomenon I have ever seen is, without a doubt, Macchu Picchu. It IS a phenomenon, because it boggles the mind how in the world a community could have built this structure on the top of mountains and survived here hundreds of years ago. And of course, London is close to my heart. I step out of the tube, upon my first glimpse of the city I feel like I’ve been there before, in a past life maybe. I have high hopes the souks of Fes and Marrakesh and the sand dunes will blow my socks off. Everyone I have talked to simply loves Barcelona, but just going by what’s written on paper, I feel like Amsterdam is more my cup of tea.

Oh, and also I’ve been watching Rome, that HBO series on DVD, and I can honestly say it’s the BEST TV series ever made. The highest quality, the best acting, the most interesting plotlines – the whole package! Seriously, it’s so entertaining and sizzling with explosive drama and intrigue. You will not be able to stop watching after one episode. The two main characters Titus Pullo and Lucius Vorenus is one of the best pairings on TV ever, better in fact than even Xena and Gabrielle. I’ve been trying to finish all two seasons (they were supposed to have 5 seasons altogether but due to budget issues had to cut it to only two! Wahhh!) before I leave on Thursday or I would feel very deprived!

Male Specimen Perfection

2009-03-12T23:12:00.001-04:00

Pain at a Young Age

2009-03-11T18:34:00.001-04:00

I am such a control freak!

I think you hate me already, so there is no need for me to be nice to you. It’s all black and white with me.

I feel terrible physically, my muscles and joints and tissue creaking along and groaning under all of the damage and repair, as I waddle down the street. I know how my face must look like. I look constipated. I look like I am concentrating hard to put one foot in front of the other, monitoring the sensation of pain in my buttocks, my spine. I learn to differentiate between shooting pains down my leg, pins and needles from sitting too long, sharp burning in my tailbone area and muscle aches and pains deep in my flesh. Even when I bruised my kneecap and had a cast, I had more exercise and freedom of mobility than I do now. Sounds bad? It feels a hundred times worse.

Your tailbone is important, kids. Mind it. It anchors your spine, balances your weight and you cannot bend down with out it.

Dissatisfaction

2009-03-09T11:15:00.004-04:00

I have this bad habit of constantly scanning my point in life, like a beam from a lighthouse turning round and round the empty dark waters, in search of little happenings or occurrences that either brighten or darken my day. Even when I am perfectly content in the moment, my scanning gear would kick into action like an automaton, and search for flaws to ruin the moment. But vice versa. The good and the bad do not cancel out; depending on my mood, a seemingly insignificant something would be magnified tenfold and overwhelm all other reasonable events. Today is a significantly more depressing day than most because it is Monday, I feel big and bloated from a week of inertia, I’m still hurting a lot a week after the impact, and most annoyingly of all, I am at a standstill in terms of trip planning.

But I’m not fucking calling anyone.

How do you say to someone, I don’t trust you? Someone you love and do not want to antagonize? It’s not so much that I don’t trust you as I don’t trust how well you know yourself. Sometimes the people close to you know you better than you know yourself, and they know that you will do (A) in the future, no matter how sincere you are in your belief that you will do (B). I like to prepare myself, to protect myself from loss if that situation happens. For example, I have a friend who is perpetually late for at least half an hour, but has an excuse for every late appearance and appears to really believe in those excuses. There is no arguing with her. There is only acceptance, and therefore to protect against that eventuality, I tell her a movie starts half an hour earlier than the real showtime so that we both don’t miss the movie. Would that be so wrong? She will find out the truth, and would be upset, and how do I deal with that? In case you are wondering, it is not you I’m referring to. This is just a hypothetical example…

I was reading an old entry written when I was in Singapore, and I had written: “As long as everything is okay with the boy and with my trips, I will be happy here!”

Nothing ever changes…

WorryWart

2009-03-08T00:15:00.001-05:00

OMG, I am so stressed out. I need to STOP WORRYING!!! I am so scared about how to get from Fez to Merzouga and whether we'll get to do an overnight in a bivouac in the sand dunes and not get killed by some Berber (no offense to Berbers, but you know) and how in hell are we supposed to get from Merzouga back to Marrakesh while managing to enjoy sightseeing at the Dades and Todra Gorges and and being driven by a reputable tour guide. Hire a car and guide? Join an organized tour? Arrange a tour in the US or just wing it? I love the idea of just going there and having a good ole adventure and see where it takes us, but for some reason this is not appealing to me right now. I am worried we'll be stranded in the middle of nowhere with language problems and having no transportation to go anywhere. Ahhhhh stressssssss!!! I'll feel sooo guilty if that happens because I told the girls we can DO THIS and have fun.

I'm sure we will, but those two days between Fez and Marrakesh is a COMPLETE toss-up and I have no idea how it's going to be like once we're there. I mean, yeah, I've ventured out to Laos and Cambodia and Vietnam with no pre-arranged hotels or plans or anything, but Morocco could be a completely different terrain! I am trying to arrange something on the side but it's just been driving me crazy. Let's hope this all works out. I just need to breathe and relax and remind myself that this is a vacation, not a battle.

Flexeril

2009-03-06T15:37:00.001-05:00

One of the worst things about getting sick/disabled is I miss being active! Not even active, but just being able to walk at more than an elderly grandma pace would be nice! I don’t think you truly know what you got until you’ve lost it. You really appreciate all of the neuromuscular structures in your body when you can’t perform a simple movement that you usually take for granted. Even SITTING requires tons of muscles to stay stable and balanced (I’m wincing in pain right now since I’ve been sitting for about 2 hours).

The good news is that I’m getting ever so slightly better each day, with proper home care and rest. My tailbone area sometimes feels itchy/burn which *hopefully* means some kind of healing activity is going on there. I don’t hope to do any biking/hiking thing on my trip (even though I’ve been so looking forward to biking around Amsterdam and seeing the windmills) but I do hope to be able to carry a backpack and walk around and go up and down stairs without pain and without fear that I’m damaging anything.

The bad news is that I’m getting fat. You wonder…what do I do with all my free time holed up being depressed/self-indulgent and sitting around in my room?

Okay, I’ll take the bad news if I can keep the good news going. I can re-sculpt my body whenever; but this trip is once-in-a-lifetime thing!!!! Please dear God in heaven let me be well enough to go on this trip.

I’m sooo glad it’s Friday. Why is it not 5PM yet! It’s not like I can DO anything fun after work but sit around and sulk about how miserable everything is, (oh wait, I can take Percocet and be fake-happy, great) but I am so obsessive-compulsive with planning my Morocco trip. I’ve done countless hours of research on some parts of my itinierary that needs tweaking and I’m not completely satisfied with it yet. I also need to look into Barcelona/Amsterdam and put together a to-do and to-bring list. That is something I must work at over the weekend.

Yesterday I took a Flexeril pill at 10:30AM. A prescribed muscle relaxant for muscle spasms. Never again. I swear, that drug knocked me out like I’ve never been knocked out before. Forget everything you know, or think you know. THIS IS SERIOUS SHIT > I took a 5 hour “nap” and felt so sleepy afterwards I could’ve slept until morning, got up ate breakfast, and go back to bed. Well, obviously, I had to get up to go to work but it is sooooo freakiinnngggg strong. If you are a diehard insomniac I would recommend this but don’t expect to do anything but sleep for, like, 2 days after you take this. I am glad I got sleep, but I don’t feel as refreshed as I should feel since I’m still in that drug-like reverie (yes, it’s effects last for more than 24 hours!!!). If I had taken a Percocet along with this, I am terrified to even imagine what kind of state I would be in.

Crap

2009-03-04T11:18:00.001-05:00

I have a fractured tailbone and muscle spasms in my lumbar (spine) so I need to take muscle relaxants and a lot of Percocet. Sigh. I am so freaking clumsy! And I have such low bone density I fracture my bones easily. I’m a 24 year old with a 40 year old woman’s bones.

I’m at work because I choose to. I took the past two days off because I can. But I don’t feel okay staying at home, following the increasingly dire news of the recession and seeing the Dow drop. It hurts. In these uncertain times, you’ve just gotta suck it up and suck it up good. Because if you don’t pull your weight, if you don’t GIVE IT YOUR ALL, you may be dropped. In other words, what’s a little pain now compared to a pain of a layoff? I’m scared, and I don’t want to make any missteps that will make it easier for anyone to say: Vanessa is dispensable. These are the times that you just gotta grit your teeth and get through it.

I cannot sit for long periods of time and I got a doughnut shaped inflatable cushion to sit on, not that it helps. I want to take Percocet, but I’m hesitant to do so at work. I will be happy and relaxed and relatively pain-free, but I will also be very very lethargic…

I am worried most of all about my trip. I cannot bend, cannot move, without pain. What if it doesn’t subside? My doctor says to come back in two weeks if the pain stays the same or increase, and I would have to get an MRI. I need my tailbone to heal, and what if it doesn’t because I keep moving it around? Will I have to cancel my trip? That will be the single most awful thing to ever happen to me in a loooong time, but I will fight tooth and nail to go. Even if I have to be drugged the entire trip, I NEED to go. I still have some time, and I pray with all my heart that I will heal, as much as I can heal. They say tailbone fractures may take from weeks to MONTHS to heal.

My 4th Fall: There is something wrong with the way I walk

2009-03-02T15:34:00.001-05:00

What a horrible, horrible day.

I slipped and fell in the snow on my way to work. I completely twisted/sprained/fractured my lower back, and now is in a lot of pain, even when I'm not moving. I really, really hope that it's not fractured. I'm staying home today and tomorrow. My trip will be affected, since that's coming up in less than 3 weeks!

Then I got into a huge fight with my dad. I don't want to go into details here, but it really shattered me.

Maybe this is what I have to pay for after having a great weekend.

Fighting

2009-02-27T17:15:00.001-05:00

I felt like shit last night. So I went home early. I do not want a repeat of the ER.

I’m still struggling. I have become afraid of myself. I’ve become so skilled at separating my brain from my body that it has almost become two separate entities. There is a whole lot of distrust between the two, and they fight like spoiled children. Which one has a hidden agenda? Which one will grow up first? It’s not about winning; the dichotomy will end, if ever, when they learn to trust and believe in each other.